Mastering Discernment: Navigating life’s choices with clarity and wisdom

It’s common for us to judge. As humans, we’re wired to want to make sense of situations, which involves making judgments. We judge ourselves, others, and the world at large. However, our judgments are often unconscious and can come across as blame, shame or attack. Our judgments can be swift and harsh when we’re not paying attention. 

Discernment, on the other hand, allows for conscious and careful consideration of a situation. Like the scales pictured above, discernment allows us to gather data, weigh our options, and make informed choices. For example, when we’re deciding what to say, what to do, what to keep, what to let go of, or even whether to stay in a relationship or not, we need discernment.

This article explores seven (7) ways to infuse discernment into your daily practices so you can live a more intentional life.

The 7 Steps

Here’s the short or TLDR version (Too Long Didn’t Read)

  1. Practice Pausing
  2. Elicit Self-Trust
  3. Cultivate Self-Awareness
  4. Learn through Reflection
  5. Embody Empathy
  6. Find Shared Values (Values = Needs = What Matters Most)
  7. Listen Actively + Express Honestly

Longer version ↓ for how to apply each step ♥

Step 1.  Practice Pausing

  • When you’re making a choice and it’s not an absolute yes, pause. If there’s doubt, it’s a NO in this moment. You might need more information, or just time to process the info you do have before choosing. Give yourself time to sit in the space of no longer and not yet. For example, when a situation changes, it’s no longer what it used to be, and it’s also not yet what it will become. This can feel messy.
  • Discernment requires space to ponder, especially when it comes to life’s bigger decisions like a job change, a move, choosing a college or leaving a marriage. Without discernment, you might make impulsive decisions that you regret. Pausing creates space for you to feel your emotions coming up around the choice. Pausing takes you off of autopilot and brings you back into your body. If you want to make choices that align with your values, pausing is an essential step to creating that clarity.
  • However, when pondering becomes rumination, it may be time to act. For me, if I’m ruminating, I’m starting to do overthink and obsess, which takes more energy and mental space than I want. Rumination tells me it’s time to trust, to decide, and to let the outcome be what it will.

Step 2. Elicit Self-Trust

  • Trust that whatever the outcome of your choice, you (and those impacted by your choice) can handle it. It may not be “perfect.” Perfection doesn’t exist. Maybe you’ll say something that you wish you could take back or you’ll do something that you later regret. That’s ok. Even in those choices, there will be growth. You’ll learn something that you didn’t know prior, and this allows you to evolve. You’ll gain wisdom, and the next time you’re making a similar choice, it’s likely you’ll choose slightly differently, if you’re paying attention. Which brings us to number three. Self-Awareness.

Step 3. Cultivate Self-Awareness

  • Without awareness, our judgements and assessments of others cause us to project onto others. We blame, don’t do our own internal work, and we may walk around on autopilot, making assumptions about why others did what they did, without having any facts to truly back it up.
  • Instead of judging ourselves and others unconsciously, make it a point to notice your judgments when they come up. This takes practice.
  • Each time you hear yourself making a judgment of yourself or someone else, you could pause and say to yourself, “This is me making a judgment. I’m telling myself ________”, and fill in the blank with whatever story or narrative that you believe in the moment. Challenge these thoughts by asking if this is true, or if it’s just the story you’ve been telling yourself. It may or may not be true. What data do you have that has you making this judgment? Is it an old story that you’ve been carrying around? Discernment allows us to carefully weigh data objectively without our own personal bias.
  • Unexamined judgments are unconscious biases formed when we were too young to know what was happening. Our job as consciously evolving adult humans is to do our inner work so we’re not projecting our inner wounds onto those around us.

Step 4. Learn through Reflection

  • To get to the place of wisdom, where “When you know better, you do better” (thank you Maya Angelou), you must reflect on what worked and what didn’t. Reflecting allows us to pivot when needed because we’ve assessed something objectively. To develop your own reflective practice, you could journal, meditate, keep notes on your phone, or talk into a recorder if journaling isn’t your thing. Whatever will support you in gaining clarity about what worked and what didn’t is what you’re looking for.
  • Therapy and coaching are also excellent tools to support inner work. Therapy is helpful to explore and manage emotions. Coaching takes it a step further and holds you accountable to the changes you say you want to make. It allows you to create an intentional destination vs. a habitual one.
  • Two questions to play with: 1) When things worked out the way you hoped, reflect and ask yourself, “In this situation, what went the way I wanted, and what choices did I make that supported that outcome?” 2) For things that didn’t work out the way you wanted, ask yourself the same question above, and then add, “In this situation, what choices did I make that, next time, I’ll do differently?” Allowing space for reflection invites more aligned choices in your future.

Step 5. Embody Empathy

  • Discernment goes hand in hand with empathy. Take time to consider the person or situation you’re judging. If you’re judging yourself, did you make the best choice you could with the information you had? Can you give yourself some grace? If you’re judging another, are you able to imagine what you might have done in their shoes? Or how they might be feeling about the situation? Examine how your own preconceived ideas or biases are contributing to your judgment. Embodying empathy allows for compassion and kindness. The kinder we are to ourselves, the better able we are to make self-honoring choices instead of self-sabotaging ones.

Step 6. Find Shared Values (Needs/What matters to you)

  • When you’re judging, look for places where your core values intersect with another. It’s in these intersections that we’re more inclined, and more willing, to collaborate with others. Finding shared values is deeply connected to empathy. You might find it challenging to recognize someone else’s needs or values if you aren’t able to empathize with them.
  • However, when we are able to uncover our similarities and connect to the motivation (their need) beneath another’s behavior, it’s easier to see the humanity of another, vs. the label that we’ve cast upon them.
  • Releasing the label releases the judgment, and allows us to make clearer decisions from a conscious, discerning place.

Step 7. Listen Actively + Express Honestly

  • Listening to others is nuanced. We all have our biases, so when we’re in judgment, it’s tough to truly hear another person. In fact, it’s close to impossible. If we can’t hear them, how can we make discerning choices that honor both of us? Active listening involves coming into a conversation clean, without an agenda to fix, heal, change or have the other person do anything differently.
  • Alongside listening is expressing ourselves honestly. To do this, it’s helpful to know what activates us, or what sets us off.  It’s even better when we’re aware where that comes from. Louise Hay used to say, “you can’t clean the house if you can’t see the dirt.” In other words, we can’t fix or change something if we refuse to look at it.
  • Hearing yourself is also an art. Sometimes, the voices inside our own heads are not our own. Old tapes played from family members, authority figures, or some other internal critical voice might override our own, drowning out our intuition.
  • Learning to listen to your own voice is critical to making discerning choices that align with your I’ve made many choices where I ignored my intuition, and each time, it’s been a massive growth opportunity, or AFGO (another fucking growth opportunity!). Just a few years ago I had back surgery. Walking into the hospital, I had an intuitive hit that told me not to have the surgery. I ignored my intuition to pause; I wasn’t an absolute yes. But I didn’t let myself pause and I had the surgery. And it’s been AFGO, which is a story for another time.

A final note about judgment. Judgment isn’t right or wrong, good, or bad. It just is. We’re human. We judge. It’s when we go through life judging without our own internal examination to see where our judgments are coming from that creates external havoc. We can’t change what we don’t want to see. (think of Louise Hay with the dirt). Being aware of our judgment is the best way to shift our judgment.

In conclusion, when you practice discernment in these areas, you deepen the connections with yourself and those around you. When you’re discerning in your choices, you’re living an intentional life. Living an intentional life enables you to set clear boundaries, do what you love, and have fewer regrets.

Here’s to operating from a place of internal alignment, where we’ll cultivate gratifying relationships that nourish us, which in turn allow us to serve others in a more impactful way.

A discerning life creates a more intentional life.

May 2024 be intentional and filled with all that matter to you!

Love,

Chris

Additional Resources:

Watch on YouTube:  Taylor Swift’s 2022 Commencement address to NYU graduates, where she discusses life choices and practicing discernment. 28m4s watch. It’s well worth watching!

Listen on YouTube: Alanis Morissette’s song, Tapes (about critical inner voices / self-judgment)

Read lyrics to Alanis’s Tapes.

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By |2024-01-04T19:22:59-05:00January 1st, 2024|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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How to Build Trust and Intimacy In Relationships – A TED Talk to Share

I heard this TED talk with Louise Evans a while back, and when it came to me a 2nd time, I had to share it with you!

This reminded me of an exercise from nonviolent communication (NVC for short), called, “The Four Ears.”

Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of NVC, says we have four options for receiving negative messages, and they are:

  1. We judge ourselves.
  2. We judge others.
  3. We empathize with ourselves.
  4. We empathize with others.

Our response largely depends on how we hear and interpret these messages.

In other words, our response will depend on what we’re making the situation mean – about ourselves, others, or the world. 

So, depending on how we interpret something, we potentially create calm or chaos.

It’s our choice.  But it’s often an unconscious one.

Louise says, “in every moment, we’re making choices about our behaviors that we’re bringing into the world.”  And, she shares a step we can take before reacting that supports us in making those choices consciously.

In this TED Talk of “The 5 Chairs”, Louise calls this step, WAIT. It’s the transition step between judgment and empathy where she invites us to ask ourselves, “What Am I Thinking?”, before we react.

How many times has something happened and we immediately go to judgment, and we react, based on our own perception of what we just heard or saw?

And, how many times is our perception off, and we jump to a conclusion that isn’t even true?

This is the power of the Pause.

I love how she reminds herself to hang on for a second, noting that she needs more data because she doesn’t have all the puzzle pieces yet. She consciously decides to check the meaning making in her head against what’s really in front of her.

When we pause here, we allow ourselves to consider, just for that brief moment, what else might be going on, besides the story we’re telling ourselves.

  • Pausing gives us space to mindfully choose our next step.
  • Pausing gives us time to carefully respond, instead of instantly react.
  • Pausing gives us clarity because we’re checking in with our own internal dialogue.

If you find that you’re reacting more than you’d like in your relationships, whether it’s at home, at work, in your family dynamics, with your partner or children, you’re not alone.

See if you can integrate WAIT before reacting.

Ask yourself what you are thinking.

Ask yourself what you’re making this situation mean, and if it’s even true.

See if you need more information before you respond.

And then, watch your relationships begin to shift.

Because they will shift!

When you Pause to ask yourself what you are thinking, what you are making this mean, and what story you’re telling yourself, you then have the opportunity to check it out with the other person to see if any of that was even true.

If you’re feeling confused and needing clarity around your best next move, here’s a few bonus questions to support you in seeing if your actions are aligned with your values:

  • What’s important here?
  • What matters most to me?
  • What do I want?
  • What do I need?

Connecting to our needs and values FIRST allows us to make conscious choices that will bring us closer to our desires.

Drop me a line. I’d love to know how this impacts you!

Wishing you love and connection,

Chris

P.S.  I also loved the cost of “being right” (8m22 into video). See if you can relate. I know I could see a previous version of myself where my detail oriented perfectionist ran the show. 😉

By |2023-02-24T23:57:09-05:00February 24th, 2023|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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Give yourself permission for Reciprocity

Give yourself permission for reciprocity. Make choices for your own self-preservation and self-care.

This time of year, reciprocity often takes a back seat. With so many people in need, it may seem selfish not to give – of our time, our money, our efforts, our service, etc.

Just for a moment, however, let’s put aside the needs of others, and turn the focus onto you.

I want you to think about what you long for in your day-to-day life. What’s missing in your relationships? Where are you settling for less than what you want, and less than what you know you deserve? Where are you hiding parts of yourself to be accepted, or loved, or just to keep the status quo?

In this moment, think about what “Reciprocity” means to you.

For context:

  • I’m talking about reciprocity in relationships in this post. Relationships that are physically and mentally capable of meeting you where you are, and who have no disabilities prohibiting them from being in a conscious and mindful partnership with you.
  • I’m not talking about reciprocity in terms of social responsibility or referring to people that are reliant on you, or who are literally incapable of offering mutuality in return

Here’s my definition of reciprocity:

  • Reciprocity means both parties choose to be in connection, for mutual benefit, and they agree to the “terms” of the relationship. They’re making a conscious choice to be there and to show up as equal contributors – whether that’s a friend, a partner, a parent, or your adult children. They will offer respect, trust, integrity and express themselves in the most authentic version of themselves that they can, while also embodying compassion and empathy – for themselves and the other.

This is what I give, and what I want in relationship. So, I have an expectation that I can be real, honest, and direct – even emotionally messy -and I’ll be received. Because that’s our agreement.

I’m no longer willing to accept relationships that are based on anything less than that.

On Marriage…

  • My husband and I are coming up on 30 years in March. And we’ve had a rocky road. Feels like 6 marriages within our 3-decade relationship because with each version of our marriage, we’ve come to a deeper level of understanding within ourselves and with each other.
  • In essence, as we up-leveled, the version of our relationship that we had up to that point was extinguished and we began again.

On friendship…

  • Another relationship that taught me true reciprocity is that of my very best friend on the planet, Lisa. Lisa and I have known each other since we were babies. Literally. Over the years, we had one clip of time where we weren’t in contact. I suppose we needed that space to do our own work to grow and heal and understand ourselves better. We needed to have our own life experiences so we could return stronger, more connected, and more aligned.
  • When we reunited, we mutually agreed that we could show up as we were. Even if that meant it was messy, or not all put together.
  • It meant raw, real, and completely uncensored. Brutally honest and authentic. But also, kind, compassionate and empathetic. Even if it wasn’t what we wanted to hear. We agreed to say what the other needed to hear.

My marriage and this friendship are what reciprocity means to me.  Sometimes one person may have something come up in their lives where they need a little more support. But it’s always balanced out with equal time being given to each other throughout the relationship.

I’m reminded of “Chosen Family.”

We can’t choose the family we’re born into. But we can choose the family that brings out the best in us, that supports us, and that allows us to be ourselves.

I found this instagram post this morning by elephantjournal that expands on this.

On Self-worth and burnout…

  • Reciprocity didn’t used to be so important to me. My worth used to be measured by how much I gave to others – at work, at home, with volunteering, and in my family and extended family – pretty much everywhere.
  • There’s a saying – “How we do one thing is how we do everything.” And I saw my pattern to run full steam ahead with my selfless acts in multiple areas. I took responsibility for situations that weren’t mine to begin with.
  • Then I burned out. I noticed certain relationships were tipping too far in one direction. I allowed my outdated core belief of “I don’t matter” to run the show. That belief had me take the backseat to my life, letting others get their needs met before me, often instead of me, and letting others take up space, which left me feeling isolated, empty, and resentful.

Reciprocity is NOT:

  • Over-giving and feeling resentment
  • Giving what we think we “should” (a word I’ve deleted from my vocabulary because “should” infers obligation, guilt and “have to” leaving us with zero choice)
  • Giving because it’s what’s always been done.

On boundaries…

  • I’m no longer willing to tolerate relationships that aren’t reciprocal. Where there’s only take and no give.
  • I’m no longer willing to be the only one to make the effort to repair any disconnect that may have happened, when in the end, the relationship was not reciprocal to begin with.

Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of nonviolent communication, talks about giving in the context of willingness in his poem, “The Hungry Duck.”  This poem basically says that we want to give from a place of willingness, like that of a child feeding a hungry duck. Because when we’re giving from any other place (obligation, have-to, resentment), we and others will pay a price.

So, circling back to the first questions I asked.

  • What’s missing in your relationship(s)?
  • Where are you allowing yourself to settle for less than what you want?
  • Where are you settling for less than you deserve?
  • Where are you hiding parts of yourself to be loved, accepted or to keep the status quo?

And I’ll add, what’s it going to take for you to put your own needs and self-care on your list?

Wishing you the courage and strength to no longer settle, no longer accept the unacceptable, and to bring yourself into alignment with your most authentic self that honors your needs, your boundaries and your own self-care.

With love,

Chris

By |2022-11-25T15:59:05-05:00November 25th, 2022|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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Change Your Closet, Change Your Life. A TEDx Talk to Share

I’m so excited to share this TEDx talk I found on YouTube:  Change Your Closet, Change Your Life. 

In the video below, Gillian Dunn talks about her own wake-up call when she went into her closet to get a candle that she was saving for a special occasion, only to find a big ball of blue wax inside the box.  The candle had done exactly what it was supposed to do – melt – but it did it without her.  This spurred an inner exploration that changed her life.

This video had me reflecting on how we live our lives in our own self-imposed chains. 

These chains show up as limiting beliefs, excuses, fear, worry and doubt.  These chains stop us from living the life we say we want.  We find ourselves saying, “I’ll do it when…. ____.” and “Someday I’ll …____.  Fill in your blank.  We need to consciously shift our mindset and behaviors if we want to truly change.

 

Change is messy, and not always easy.

The next morning after watching the video, I leapt out of bed to start my day. During the elimination process, my 15-year-old daughter asked me why she’d never seen all these ‘fashionable’ things! She started trying them on, claiming them for her own. 😉 In the end, I donated two large bags to my favorite non-profit, and it was just the catapult I needed to re-fuel my desire to live with less.

Here’s what I want you to do:  Take the next 15 minutes (and 37 seconds) to watch this Video, and then come back and answer this question: 

What’s one thing you’re willing to commit to this week to allow yourself to step into the life you want to live?

Maybe you’re willing to….

  • Have that ‘hard’ conversation that’s been lurking over you.
  • Clear your closet of items that don’t fit (to make room for things that do).
  • Use your “good dishes” or wear your “nice clothes.”
  • Donate your excess belongings to someone in need.
  • Express your needs to someone in a loving, compassionate way.
  • Set a boundary with yourself around what you’ll no longer tolerate.

No more putting things off until “Someday.”

Life is far too short to leave our most cherished belongings tucked away in a box, or our dreams hidden in the back of our minds.

Looking for a great cause to donate to?   Here’s a non-profit I LOVE:  Katelyn started this non-profit when she was just 12 years old after being on the receiving end of an outpouring of support when her family needed it.  Now, more than a decade later, The Angels Community Outreach supports thousands.   They’re located in Pitman NJ, you can contact them here.

 

By |2022-01-30T21:44:37-05:00January 30th, 2022|Uncategorized|2 Comments
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Pretending, Avoidance & Addiction – 5 Questions to Navigate Change

It’s 2005.  I’m sitting in circle with 15 women and the discussion is being led my long term mentor, Cheryl Richardson, who asks the question, “What are you pretending?”  Each woman answers in turn.  When it comes to me, my answer surprises me.   I respond with, “I’m pretending that my life is OK when it isn’t.”     Thirteen years and a 12-year old daughter later, my answer is similar.  This time though, there’s a slight but significant variation with my response.  This time, I’m not hiding in my discontent.  This time I’m not hoping things around me will change.   This time, I’m changing me.

Getting Unstuck…

How many times do you stay stuck in situations you don’t love?   You tolerate them; you pray; you wish for the people or the situation to change; you hope someone will see your perspective; or you hope the other person will “step-up” to communicate with you in a way that fills your need for connection and attention.  Then, when none of this happens, you stay in the same spiral of disconnect within yourself, ruminating over details and data, living in the same circumstances, wearing a façade of acceptance.  Pretending.

When we choose to stay, in anything that’s less than what we desire or require, we must ask ourselves what we’re getting by not making the changes we know we need to make.  We must acknowledge that we’re getting something or we wouldn’t do it.  Some need is being met, some benefit is coming from our action or we wouldn’t continue with the same pattern or behavior.

So what are you getting by not changing what you know you need to change?

Do you get to avoid discomfort?  Do you avoid exposure of a truth that’s too embarrassing for you, or that you think is too upsetting for others to hear?   Or maybe you get to tell yourself, it’s for “the kids?”  Let me clue you in.  The kids know what’s going on anyway. You’re not sparing them any pain by staying in a situation you’d rather not be in.   They see the upset, the disconnection, the hugs that aren’t happening, the conversations being avoided, the looks not being exchanged.  Even if they’re little, they sense it energetically.

Perhaps you get to stay on auto-pilot.  You get to do what’s familiar. You get to stay in your routines and habits which feels safer and more secure than changing.   You get to avoid feeling pain.  You get to numb out.   You get to say you “have to” do whatever it is, and you continue to not think, not feel, not process what’s really happening around you.   Maybe you get to not have to do the work in your relationships.  Or maybe you get to hide in your addictions.

Addictions

Addictions show up in all of us, not just in those drawn to alcohol or drugs.   We are addicted to alcohol, books, clutter, computer games, drugs, education, exercise, food, learning, Netflix, people, porn, sex, shopping, strategies, work, or even the recovery process.  Our addictions allow us to numb out and avoid the pain we don’t want to feel.

The strategy is avoidance.  The payoff is we get temporary relief by avoiding the pain of change.

What’s the cost of avoiding making the changes you need to make?

Costs of our Avoidance

Maybe it’s disconnection to those you really care about, drama, emotional pain and turmoil, physical pain in your body like arthritis, auto-immune disorders, colds, migraines, cancer or any multitude of other manifestations.   Whether it’s ruminating negative thoughts that dominate your choices and behaviors, one thing is certain.   We can be sure that our bodies will detox pain however they can.  They’ll take us out when we need to reset – I’ve learned this first hand more than once.  In physical form, unprocessed pain might come out as disease.  Emotionally, unprocessed pain is likely to come out sideways through our toxic behaviors and patterns having the potential to destroy relationships.  The question becomes, what are you willing to do about it?

Pain…

Here’s the deal.   We all feel pain.  We all feel sadness and despair at some point in our lives.   No one is spared from pain or change..  Change is the one constant we can depend on.

Change can feel hard and scary and messy.

Change brings up anger, discomfort, discord, fear, resentment, and vulnerability.   Even if you like change, it’s still awkward, especially when we don’t know what’s on the other side.

While I love ritual and routine, I also love freedom and spontaneity, so at times I feel in conflict with my own needs.  In the past I’ve seen myself pass by opportunities out of fear, and I’ve jumped impulsively into a heartfelt YES without knowing where it was taking me.  I’ve experienced situations where anything was better than were I was, so I jumped into the unknown trusting I’d be held in the uncertainty.

Life can be feel hard and impossible sometimes.  These past few months, I’ve learned when I show up as vulnerable and real, unseen doors open that allow more growth and more healing.  I’m learning to trust myself and speak my truths, even if it means people might leave, or not like me, and even if my words might land in someone else in a way I didn’t intend.  How my words land isn’t my responsibility, how I deliver them is.  I can only control my presence in which I offer myself.

You might be surprised at how others show up FOR you when you show up AS YOU.

My invitation to you is this:    Stop pretending your life is ok if it isn’t.  Speak your truth.  Say what you feel.   Ask for what you need.  Take off your mask.

Action Challenge:

This week, take 5 minutes to close your eyes and ask yourself these five (5) questions.

  1. Where are you hiding?
  2. What are you pretending?
  3. What’s one change you’d like to have made 3 months from now?
  4. What’s one doable, small, achievable and realistic thing you can do this week, to take a step toward that change?
  5. Are you willing to make this commitment to yourself? If so, when?

Did you like this article and challenge?   Let me know what shifted as a result of this challenge or even just from reading this article.  I love hearing from you.  Email me here, or leave a message in the comments below.

Sending you so much love…

xo

Chris

Sharing is caring!  If you know someone who would love this article, please share it with them.  🙂

Want to stay connected?   Join my community of change makers here.

By |2018-12-15T22:55:03-05:00December 15th, 2018|Uncategorized|3 Comments
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Retrogrades, Relationships & Resetting Priorities

Are the retrogrades messing with your relationships? Do you feel like you and your partner might actually be on different planets?

Considering six, yes, SIX planets are in retrograde right now, it’s a good time to press pause on the panic button.

So what exactly is happening?

Right now, Mercury, Mars, Jupiter, Neptune, Saturn & Pluto are in retrograde.  In a retrograde, things come up for review, processing, digesting and completing.  It’s a time for tying up loose ends and details, and not necessarily a time to start a slew of new projects.   You’re invited to complete those incompletions once and for all.  When one planet is in retrograde, we can feel off, rushed, like things are more out of control than we’d like, but when six are in retrograde, it’s even more important to pause.

Even if you don’t believe in astrology, it may be hard for you to ignore some of the events that have been transpiring for the past few months. Things might feel more amped up or intensified than usual.

Personally, I’ve found it increasingly difficult to feel productive, clear, to stay on task with projects, or to have any type of communication with my partner that doesn’t end with us walking away frustrated and frazzled, and feeling unheard.

Here’s a little scoop on each of the planets and how they might be affecting you:

  • Mercury Retrograde – (6/26 to 8/19/18)  Since Mercury is the ruler of communication, it’s definitely a great time to double check details.  Have a spare key in your wallet, fill your gas tank, check your oil and fluids in your car, make sure you have a few bucks cash on you, etc.   Just the other day, I walked out of the house without my keys, left the house with $1 in my wallet, and got to a show without tickets I already purchased, and it was “cash only” at the door.  (Thankfully, I had a spare key in my wallet, and the girl at the desk knew and trusted me when I told her I purchased tickets, and she let me in.)
  • Mars Retrograde (6/26 to 8/27/18)   When Mars is direct, we typically can communicate more clearly, take direct decisive action and more fully trust ourselves.  But when in retrograde, we can doubt, not trust our instincts, and internalize emotions and events, feeling more pressure.  Be gentle with yourself if you need more rest than usual, if you need more time to think about things and process what’s happening around you.   Good self-care is critical right now.    Here’s a little more on the Mars Retrograde.
  • Jupiter Retrograde – (3/9  to 7/10/18)  Consider this to be the Yin/Yang for change.   Change can be scary, especially when we don’t see it coming, yet, change is often the very thing we need to get us to our next level.  Since everything is energy, and energy is always changing, it makes sense to surrender a bit and go with the flow.  With Jupiter in intense Scorpio, you may experience your own upleveling so just observe what’s here for you, change what you can, and let go of what you cannot.  There’s no rule that says change has to be painful.
  • Pluto Retrograde – (4/22 to 9/30/18)  Pluto is all about looking at what needs to be healed, what’s lurking beneath what’s really going on, and what needs to be transformed.   Pluto is the peeling back of our subconscious layers.   Since retrogrades are a review of the past events, when Pluto is in retrograde, we’re invited to look at all those subconscious behaviors, shadow beliefs, choices, and patterns that are calling us to change.  You may feel challenged beyond your comfort zone.  That’s ok.  It’s a time of review.  So, Review, Re-Evaluate and if needed, Re-direct your energy and focus.
  • Saturn Retrograde – (4/18  to  9/6/18) As a Cappy (Capricorn), this is my ruling planet.  Saturn is all about perseverance, tenacity and growth, and setting things right on the karmic path.  What we put out is what we get back, so this lesson is amplified during a retrograde.  We’re given the opportunity to really set things right if we’ve been off course.
  • Neptune Retrograde (6/19 to 9/26/18)  Emotions may seem to be too intense for you right now.  Neptune is one of the rulers of Pisces, a water sign that can be emotionally charged.  During a retrograde, and especially if this happens to be your ruling planet or your rising sign, you may feel a bit more pressure to dive into the uncomfortable waters of the unknown.  Trust.  Stay with it. There’s growth here.  If you feel the urge to run from this intensity, understand what’s here for you is an invitation to go a little deeper to resolve what’s been hidden.  It’s also an excellent time to call on your creativity and intuition which may feel heightened.   Trust your gut by going within and making the changes you need to make.

Action Challenge:

Two steps to prepare yourself physically and emotionally during the retrograde

  1. Take 20 minute power naps to reset yourself as you need to. I can hear you saying, “But I don’t have 20 minutes….”, so I challenge you…Instead of surfing social media for 20 minutes, or eating when you’re not hungry, or starting a “conversation” with your partner when you’re already tired or spent, excuse yourself.  Set your phone timer for 20 minutes and nap. I guarantee you’ll feel a new perspective when you re-engage.   Just notice if you start to spiral, if you’re not breathing, or if you feel particularly uneasy with the changes happening around you.  If so, nap, nap, nap.  Every day.  20 minutes.  And let me know what shifts you notice.
  2. Take Action with any or all of these. Put an extra spare key in your wallet.  Allow plenty of time for travel. Double and triple check details before clicking “send”.  Have back up directions printed before going on the road to a new destination.  Make sure you have at least $5 to $10 in your wallet of cash before leaving your house.  Charge your phone or devices before leaving the house.  Purchase a charger for your car and keep it there.    Press the mental pause button before replying to a heated conversation.  Let go of something you’ve been holding onto (a grudge, a personal belonging, an issue that’s causing you anguish, a belief that’s not serving).

Leave a comment below or email me telling me what you did, and what happened as a result.  🙂

Like this article, and want more like it?  Follow me here. 

Until next time, Press Pause on the panic button.   Breathe.  And trust.  You’re right where you need to be.

x’s and o’s

Chris

Sharing is caring!   If you know someone that would like to read this, please share it out.

Want to learn more about this particular retrograde cycle?    You can do that here and here.

By |2018-07-01T21:53:59-04:00July 1st, 2018|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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Feelings & Needs – Part I [PLUS: FREE RESOURCE]

What if I said it’s possible not only to get your needs met, but to also meet the needs and desires of those around you, without sacrificing your own values or desires?  Would you think it’s possible?  Would you want some insight as to how?

Here’s the thing.  We all want connection.  We all want to be heard, to feel valued, to know we matter, and be seen.  The essence of Non-violent communication (NVC) is peaceful resolution to conflict.  It’s understanding that we all have needs, and all human needs are universal.

FACT:  Every action we take, and every choice we make is an attempt to fulfill a need. 

Let me repeat that….. E V E R Y    A C T I O N we take, and every choice we make is an attempt to meet a need.

So wouldn’t it make sense that in order to get our needs met, it’s essential to first name what they are?  It sounds simple, but if you’re not accustomed to tuning in, to checking in with your body, with your emotions, with your own desires FIRST, it can feel impossible to name the actual need under your behavior or action.  The link I’m sharing has 3 FREE lists: feelings, needs, and body sensations.  It’s available for free download here.  Once you click on the link, you can choose which list you want to download, or download all three.  You can use these lists to help you connect to what’s going on inside you when you’re having difficulty naming the emotion or need.  If you’d like to take it a step further, check out this feelings and needs card deck.  When you click on the link, it’s the very first option shown.  Consider these new tools for your Life Toolbox.  (Disclaimer:  I’m not an affiliate for NVC. While I do teach, live and practice this way of living, I’m simply sharing this resource.  I was introduced to NVC more than a decade ago, and it was a game changer in the way our family interacted and how I approached life in general.)

WHEN we use the Feelings & Needs Card Deck:

  • When meltdowns feel imminent
  • If we miss the intuitive hits and meltdowns happen, these cards are a great way to connect from a place of love, of true desire to connect in a way that all needs are considered and valued.
  • As a way to connect to what’s going on inside you when you’re having difficulty naming the need
  • If one of us is feeling really off, tense, or irritable and unable to communicate.
  • Or if we desire deeper connection and want to enrich our experience with one another.

HOW we use the Feelings & Needs Card Deck:

We’ll simply lay out the cards, feelings first, and we’ll each pick our cards, in silence.  When we have all our cards, we then remove that deck, and lay the other cards, the needs.   We choose what’s most alive for us from this deck, again in silence, and then one person chooses to share first.  While one person is sharing, we listen with silent empathy.  We simply witness and listen to what’s being said.  Note:  This is just ONE way we use the cards, not “the only” way to use them.  😉  (Once, when I was overwhelmed with a lot of emotional attachment and charge, I used the cards to help me get clarity in writing someone a letter.)

If something is burning inside us and we’d like to respond, we ask permission.  We don’t shout out our thoughts or project our reactions when someone else is sharing.  We share with reflective listening.

Clarifying questions can be helpful to encourage someone to tune in deeper to what they need, but I encourage you to be clear of your intentions and agendas before asking questions.   This isn’t for us to fix, diagnose, or decide for anyone else.

Are you thinking, “this is too much work!”?

I’ll admit that in the moment, it does take more time, energy, patience, and willingness.   And…In the long run, it saves time, energy, patience and creates more willingness, because this practice of tuning in creates space for everyone to feel heard, which sometimes is all we need to be able to move forward in our day or life..

May you find peace, happiness, health and all of life’s blessings this holiday season.

With love,

Chris

P.S.  If you’d like to follow my blog and receive my newsletter on simplifying, letting go and creating more ease, you can do that here .

 

By |2018-01-07T01:57:48-05:00December 17th, 2017|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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