How to Build Trust and Intimacy In Relationships – A TED Talk to Share

I heard this TED talk with Louise Evans a while back, and when it came to me a 2nd time, I had to share it with you!

This reminded me of an exercise from nonviolent communication (NVC for short), called, “The Four Ears.”

Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of NVC, says we have four options for receiving negative messages, and they are:

  1. We judge ourselves.
  2. We judge others.
  3. We empathize with ourselves.
  4. We empathize with others.

Our response largely depends on how we hear and interpret these messages.

In other words, our response will depend on what we’re making the situation mean – about ourselves, others, or the world. 

So, depending on how we interpret something, we potentially create calm or chaos.

It’s our choice.  But it’s often an unconscious one.

Louise says, “in every moment, we’re making choices about our behaviors that we’re bringing into the world.”  And, she shares a step we can take before reacting that supports us in making those choices consciously.

In this TED Talk of “The 5 Chairs”, Louise calls this step, WAIT. It’s the transition step between judgment and empathy where she invites us to ask ourselves, “What Am I Thinking?”, before we react.

How many times has something happened and we immediately go to judgment, and we react, based on our own perception of what we just heard or saw?

And, how many times is our perception off, and we jump to a conclusion that isn’t even true?

This is the power of the Pause.

I love how she reminds herself to hang on for a second, noting that she needs more data because she doesn’t have all the puzzle pieces yet. She consciously decides to check the meaning making in her head against what’s really in front of her.

When we pause here, we allow ourselves to consider, just for that brief moment, what else might be going on, besides the story we’re telling ourselves.

  • Pausing gives us space to mindfully choose our next step.
  • Pausing gives us time to carefully respond, instead of instantly react.
  • Pausing gives us clarity because we’re checking in with our own internal dialogue.

If you find that you’re reacting more than you’d like in your relationships, whether it’s at home, at work, in your family dynamics, with your partner or children, you’re not alone.

See if you can integrate WAIT before reacting.

Ask yourself what you are thinking.

Ask yourself what you’re making this situation mean, and if it’s even true.

See if you need more information before you respond.

And then, watch your relationships begin to shift.

Because they will shift!

When you Pause to ask yourself what you are thinking, what you are making this mean, and what story you’re telling yourself, you then have the opportunity to check it out with the other person to see if any of that was even true.

If you’re feeling confused and needing clarity around your best next move, here’s a few bonus questions to support you in seeing if your actions are aligned with your values:

  • What’s important here?
  • What matters most to me?
  • What do I want?
  • What do I need?

Connecting to our needs and values FIRST allows us to make conscious choices that will bring us closer to our desires.

Drop me a line. I’d love to know how this impacts you!

Wishing you love and connection,

Chris

P.S.  I also loved the cost of “being right” (8m22 into video). See if you can relate. I know I could see a previous version of myself where my detail oriented perfectionist ran the show. 😉

By |2023-02-24T23:57:09-05:00February 24th, 2023|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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Avoiding the spiral of mental chatter ♥

We did a street-long yard sale yesterday, and after the sale I noticed myself engaging in mental chatter about lost time.  I spent time prepping for it, organizing it, physically being at the sale, then packing up the remainders for the various charities that will receive them.  Then this morning, I woke with similar thoughts on how this sale took time away from other things that needed to happen, but thankfully, I shifted quickly.

Truth is, yes, it did take time, and, the items are gone, which was my goal.  Our intentions were to make this our last sale, to have fun with family and neighbors, and to let my daughter have a lemonade stand with her friend.  We released unneeded belongings, and created space for things and activities we do want!

So if my goals were met, why the constant inner banter about what I could’ve been doing instead of the sale?  Because my to-do list is reallllly long and my mind chatter never stops.  I desire order, ease, and simplicity.  Letting go brings me these things, and it also takes work for me to get them.  As much as I love to feel at ease, to have order, and for life to be simple, I need the structures in place to have those things.  I also need good boundaries around my time.

How about you?   Does your mental to-do list overwhelm you and stop you from achieving what you say you want to do?   How do you move forward when mental chatter is in overdrive?

Here’s 3 things to do when mental chatter is spinning you into overwhelm.

#1 Start…Something.  Pick one thing and just start.  It doesn’t have to be perfect, and it mostly won’t be, but the act of movement will motivate you to keep going.  This morning, I considered my mental list, wrote out all that I wanted to get done, then narrowed it down to what was most important, and what would feel most productive by simply being started.  I slotted myself a specific amount of time and when that time was up, I stopped and moved on with my day.  I’m putting time and attention to my priorities, which feels gratifying, energizing, and productive.

#2 Ask for help.  I woke this morning mentally listing out all that needs to happen today, and the reality is my husband will be gone all afternoon, so it’s all on me.  In order for me to accomplish everything we need to make our home happy today and this week, I need help.  So I asked.

#3 Receive the help.  This may sound silly and obvious, but sometimes we can ask for the help, then when it comes, we find we’re still doing all the work anyway.  Give up the need for things to be perfect, and allow the support to be there for you.   Example:   My husband was grabbing some raised beds from Home Depot for me while I worked this morning.  He texted me photos with questions, and I couldn’t decide which one was best, plus I needed netting and wasn’t sure which kind.  I almost told him, “Never mind; I’ll run out later and get it.”   I wasn’t trusting that what we’ll get is fine, and we’ll work with it.  Instead I was thinking I needed to physically go there to pick it out.  I quickly caught myself, and chose to receive the help, letting it be enough so I can move on with my priorities.

These three things can catapult you into action, and give you the space and ease you need to feel productive and less stressed.

Here’s the thing.   We, particularly as women, are often the bus drivers in our home.  We drive the bus.  We’re responsible to maintain the bus with gas, oil, repairs, etc.  We create the bus schedule, and we make sure all the riders get where they need to go, on time, and they have what they need upon arrival to their destination. That’s a lot to hold, and often we fall off our own schedule.

Today, when mental overwhelm takes over, try these three things of #1, starting one thing, #2, asking for help and #3, receiving the help.  If you’re like me, your list is longer than you can do in a physical day, yet your Superwoman cape is probably pressed and ready to go!  🙂   Use this as an invitation to start something, drop the cape, and ask for (and receive) help.   You’ll be surprised at what can happen.

A 4th bonus step is to find the gold in the event that has you spinning into overwhelm.   My gold nugget from the yard sale yesterday was meeting a tow truck driver who offered to look at my 20 year old car that runs awesome, but needs an AC unit.  After looking at it, he told me it looks like an easy fix, (where my mechanic told me it wasn’t worth fixing), it shouldn’t cost much, and he referred me to guy that’s local!   Gold!  ♥

How about you?  What’s one thing you’re going to do this week after reading this?   How are you going to use your spiral to inspire you, instead of sabotage you?   

Tell me below or get in touch here.  

Until next time, my friend, put a practice in place that allows you to push that overwhelm to the curb and just start what you don’t want to start.

x’s and o’s,

Chris

If you’re not on my list to receive resources on living a simpler life and want to be, please click here.    If you’ve already joined, thanks so much for the support!

P.S. Sharing is Caring – if you know someone who would benefit from reading this, please share!

By |2018-05-07T01:12:48-04:00May 6th, 2018|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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Letting Go & Holding On

Why do we hold onto things?

What is it we hope to gain?

What are we so afraid of releasing, even if it’s things we’re not using?

It’s a loaded question, and one not easily answered because it’s subjective to each of us.

It’s subjective, and it’s also universal.

We all worry about needing things after we let go.  We all can relate to feeling overwhelmed at the amount of responsibility on our plates, clutter in our homes and in our minds.

When it comes to letting go, we often resist.  We think if we hold on, we retain a sense of control, because we know what it feels like to hold on.  Letting go creates an unknown.  It’s new territory.

Letting go means change.

Change is a form of surrender.  We may not know what’s coming next.  We may not know what to do after we release something, or someone.  Where does it go?   Where will it be used the most effectively?   When can I get it there?  Where does it go before I take it there or have it picked up?  What happens after it’s gone?  What’s next, and who am I without it?

All of these questions can lead to paralysis, so we do nothing.  We hold on. We keep it “until we have more time” to figure out all the pieces before jumping in to something new.

I’ll tell you a secret.  There’s never a perfect time.   It’s like having kids.  Or leaving a toxic job.  Or starting a diet.  Or leaving/starting a relationship.  Or losing someone.  There’s no perfect time.  You can “prepare” yourself all you want, but when change comes, we still need to adjust, allow for transition.

There’s always that unknown space between when something ends and something new begins. 

So what do you need to let go of today?   Is it mind clutter that’s been overwhelming you into submission, where you just keep doing the same thing you’ve been doing and not liking the result?  Maybe it’s physical clutter, and you just clean around it, seeing the piles around you (or not) and being energetically drained each time you pass them.

Action Challenge:

If it’s clutter you need to clear, give yourself one hour of time today.  If an hour feels too long, make it 30 minutes.  Set a timer for 15 minutes and pick one spot to clear, with the intention of bringing in more of what you love, need, and desire by releasing what you don’t.   When the timer goes off, start putting things back so that when the ½ hour is up, your area is clear and you’re not left with chaos.   Bag up what you’ve removed, label it “donation”, and put it in your car to go to a donation site.   OR, put it in a bag or box, marked for the charity of your choice that you align with.  Call the charity, schedule the pick-up, and seal the bag or box.  Now you have a deadline for when it’s leaving.

If it’s not physical clutter, but an action step you need to take, allow yourself 30 minutes to research your options.  Maybe you need to find a contractor or service and need referrals.  Set your timer for 15 minutes making a list (an actual written list) listing out the criteria this contractor or service needs to provide.   Do the test of passing up good for great.   (Cheryl Richardson has a saying, “Pass up good for great.”).   Once you have your list, spend the next 15 minutes asking for referrals.  Maybe you can share a post on a Facebook Community Group asking for referrals.  Be specific.  Or text friends asking them who they’ve loved and used that moved them in the direction they wanted to go. When the timer goes off, thank yourself for taking a step toward creating space for you!

Resources to Receive Your Charitable Donations (aka Clutter):

  1. www.purpleheartpickup.org –They’ll pick up from your home
  2. https://angelsofgod.org/ – You drop off in Pitman, NJ
  3. https://www.habitat.org/ – Pickup or Drop off.  They accept larger household items.
  4. https://smartparentadvice.com/how-to-donate-stuffed-animals/  – (This is an excellent article by Parenting Experts, Ryan and Cristin Howard.  Their article offers ideas on how to donate stuffed animals, and their site is a great resource for navigating parenting as we release and let go.)

Leave a comment letting me know what worked or what didn’t.

Want to chat privately?  Message me here.

Want to receive this newsletter in your inbox with resources on letting go, decluttering, and changing your life once and for all? click here.

Sharing is Caring!  If you know someone who would benefit from reading this, please share it out!  🙂

 

By |2020-06-07T12:35:37-04:00April 29th, 2018|Uncategorized|3 Comments
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If you’re home was alive, what would it tell you?

If your home could speak to you, what would it say?  If your belongings could speak to you, what messages and words would you hear?

In Feng Shui, there are three main tenets:

  1. Everything is alive
  2. Everything has energy
  3. Everything is always changing.

In keeping with this principle, ask yourself, what’s your stuff saying about you, and to you?  Is what you’re keeping holding you hostage to old beliefs and patterns, or is it supporting you to take you to your next level. 

In my last blog, I talked about ways to release clutter so it doesn’t come back.  In this blog, I invite you to look at your home as an extension of you.

Your Home as an Extension of YOU…

Your home is simply an outer reflection of what’s going on inside you.  Further, we’re always matched energetically with our homes.  Meaning, on a vibrational level, we draw to us the very homes we need to grow and expand.  Whether it’s the layout of the land, the numerology of the home, or the history of the previous tenants that align with our life circumstance, we’re always attracting what we’re energetically matched to or aligned with.

Consider this quote:   “Our consciousness is reflected in our environment, and our environment reflects our consciousness.”  In other words, what we believe inside, we create outside.  And what we surround ourselves with outside, affects us internally.

What we keep matters. 

Imagine that each item you own could talk to you, what would your belongings say?  Would they want to be loved, respected, given a place to live?  Would they want you toss them or pass them on to some other owner?

Challenge this week:

This week, when you walk into a room of your home, notice, does your energy go up?  Or does it go down?  When you pick up your belongings, what feelings come up inside you?  Are you inspired, or are you drained? Become the observer of how you’re affected in each area of your home.  Be discerning.  If something drains you, let it go!  Give yourself permission to pass it on.  Yes, even that ceramic dog your Aunt Susie gave you that you put out every time she comes, even though you hate it.

Lastly, I need your help!  There’s a lot of noise on the internet, and I want to be sure you’re finding this information helpful.  If you liked this info, please hop over to Facebook page or email me here, to tell me what you liked, and what you’d like to see more of.  Just hit reply to this email!   I’d love to hear your comments and feedback!  If you know someone this could help, please share it. 🙂

Next week, I’ll share what each floor of our home represents on the spiritual level.

Like this info?  Follow my blog here.

A blog about living deliberately, aligned to what matters most.

By |2018-01-15T12:33:30-05:00January 15th, 2018|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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