shadow beliefs Archives - Life Coaching by Christine Gipple

How to Build Trust and Intimacy In Relationships – A TED Talk to Share

I heard this TED talk with Louise Evans a while back, and when it came to me a 2^nd time, I had to share it with you!

This reminded me of an exercise from nonviolent communication (NVC for short), called, “The Four Ears.”

Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of NVC, says we have four options for receiving negative messages, and they are:

We judge ourselves.
We judge others.
We empathize with ourselves.
We empathize with others.

Our response largely depends on how we hear and interpret these messages.

In other words, our response will depend on what we’re making the situation mean – about ourselves, others, or the world.

So, depending on how we interpret something, we potentially create calm or chaos.

It’s our choice. But it’s often an unconscious one.

Louise says, “in every moment, we’re making choices about our behaviors that we’re bringing into the world.” And, she shares a step we can take before reacting that supports us in making those choices consciously.

In this TED Talk of “The 5 Chairs”, Louise calls this step, WAIT. It’s the transition step between judgment and empathy where she invites us to ask ourselves, “What Am I Thinking?”, before we react.

How many times has something happened and we immediately go to judgment, and we react, based on our own perception of what we just heard or saw?

And, how many times is our perception off, and we jump to a conclusion that isn’t even true?

This is the power of the Pause.

I love how she reminds herself to hang on for a second, noting that she needs more data because she doesn’t have all the puzzle pieces yet. She consciously decides to check the meaning making in her head against what’s really in front of her.

When we pause here, we allow ourselves to consider, just for that brief moment, what else might be going on, besides the story we’re telling ourselves.

Pausing gives us space to mindfully choose our next step.
Pausing gives us time to carefully respond, instead of instantly react.
Pausing gives us clarity because we’re checking in with our own internal dialogue.

If you find that you’re reacting more than you’d like in your relationships, whether it’s at home, at work, in your family dynamics, with your partner or children, you’re not alone.

See if you can integrate WAIT before reacting.

Ask yourself what you are thinking.

Ask yourself what you’re making this situation mean, and if it’s even true.

See if you need more information before you respond.

And then, watch your relationships begin to shift.

Because they will shift!

When you Pause to ask yourself what you are thinking, what you are making this mean, and what story you’re telling yourself, you then have the opportunity to check it out with the other person to see if any of that was even true.

If you’re feeling confused and needing clarity around your best next move, here’s a few bonus questions to support you in seeing if your actions are aligned with your values:

What’s important here?
What matters most to me?
What do I want?
What do I need?

Connecting to our needs and values FIRST allows us to make conscious choices that will bring us closer to our desires.

Drop me a line. I’d love to know how this impacts you!

Wishing you love and connection,

Chris

P.S. I also loved the cost of “being right” (8m22 into video). See if you can relate. I know I could see a previous version of myself where my detail oriented perfectionist ran the show. 😉

By Christine Gipple|2023-02-24T23:57:09-05:00February 24th, 2023|Uncategorized|0 Comments

Give yourself permission for Reciprocity

Give yourself permission for reciprocity. Make choices for your own self-preservation and self-care.

This time of year, reciprocity often takes a back seat. With so many people in need, it may seem selfish not to give – of our time, our money, our efforts, our service, etc.

Just for a moment, however, let’s put aside the needs of others, and turn the focus onto you.

I want you to think about what you long for in your day-to-day life. What’s missing in your relationships? Where are you settling for less than what you want, and less than what you know you deserve? Where are you hiding parts of yourself to be accepted, or loved, or just to keep the status quo?

In this moment, think about what “Reciprocity” means to you.

For context:

I’m talking about reciprocity in relationships in this post. Relationships that are physically and mentally capable of meeting you where you are, and who have no disabilities prohibiting them from being in a conscious and mindful partnership with you.
I’m not talking about reciprocity in terms of social responsibility or referring to people that are reliant on you, or who are literally incapable of offering mutuality in return

Here’s my definition of reciprocity:

Reciprocity means both parties choose to be in connection, for mutual benefit, and they agree to the “terms” of the relationship. They’re making a conscious choice to be there and to show up as equal contributors – whether that’s a friend, a partner, a parent, or your adult children. They will offer respect, trust, integrity and express themselves in the most authentic version of themselves that they can, while also embodying compassion and empathy – for themselves and the other.

This is what I give, and what I want in relationship. So, I have an expectation that I can be real, honest, and direct – even emotionally messy -and I’ll be received. Because that’s our agreement.

I’m no longer willing to accept relationships that are based on anything less than that.

On Marriage…

My husband and I are coming up on 30 years in March. And we’ve had a rocky road. Feels like 6 marriages within our 3-decade relationship because with each version of our marriage, we’ve come to a deeper level of understanding within ourselves and with each other.
In essence, as we up-leveled, the version of our relationship that we had up to that point was extinguished and we began again.

On friendship…

Another relationship that taught me true reciprocity is that of my very best friend on the planet, Lisa. Lisa and I have known each other since we were babies. Literally. Over the years, we had one clip of time where we weren’t in contact. I suppose we needed that space to do our own work to grow and heal and understand ourselves better. We needed to have our own life experiences so we could return stronger, more connected, and more aligned.
When we reunited, we mutually agreed that we could show up as we were. Even if that meant it was messy, or not all put together.
It meant raw, real, and completely uncensored. Brutally honest and authentic. But also, kind, compassionate and empathetic. Even if it wasn’t what we wanted to hear. We agreed to say what the other needed to hear.

My marriage and this friendship are what reciprocity means to me. Sometimes one person may have something come up in their lives where they need a little more support. But it’s always balanced out with equal time being given to each other throughout the relationship.

I’m reminded of “Chosen Family.”

We can’t choose the family we’re born into. But we can choose the family that brings out the best in us, that supports us, and that allows us to be ourselves.

I found this instagram post this morning by elephantjournal that expands on this.

On Self-worth and burnout…

Reciprocity didn’t used to be so important to me. My worth used to be measured by how much I gave to others – at work, at home, with volunteering, and in my family and extended family – pretty much everywhere.
There’s a saying – “How we do one thing is how we do everything.” And I saw my pattern to run full steam ahead with my selfless acts in multiple areas. I took responsibility for situations that weren’t mine to begin with.
Then I burned out. I noticed certain relationships were tipping too far in one direction. I allowed my outdated core belief of “I don’t matter” to run the show. That belief had me take the backseat to my life, letting others get their needs met before me, often instead of me, and letting others take up space, which left me feeling isolated, empty, and resentful.

Reciprocity is NOT:

Over-giving and feeling resentment
Giving what we think we “should” (a word I’ve deleted from my vocabulary because “should” infers obligation, guilt and “have to” leaving us with zero choice)
Giving because it’s what’s always been done.

On boundaries…

I’m no longer willing to tolerate relationships that aren’t reciprocal. Where there’s only take and no give.
I’m no longer willing to be the only one to make the effort to repair any disconnect that may have happened, when in the end, the relationship was not reciprocal to begin with.

Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of nonviolent communication, talks about giving in the context of willingness in his poem, “The Hungry Duck.” This poem basically says that we want to give from a place of willingness, like that of a child feeding a hungry duck. Because when we’re giving from any other place (obligation, have-to, resentment), we and others will pay a price.

So, circling back to the first questions I asked.

What’s missing in your relationship(s)?
Where are you allowing yourself to settle for less than what you want?
Where are you settling for less than you deserve?
Where are you hiding parts of yourself to be loved, accepted or to keep the status quo?

And I’ll add, what’s it going to take for you to put your own needs and self-care on your list?

Wishing you the courage and strength to no longer settle, no longer accept the unacceptable, and to bring yourself into alignment with your most authentic self that honors your needs, your boundaries and your own self-care.

With love,

Chris

By Christine Gipple|2022-11-25T15:59:05-05:00November 25th, 2022|Uncategorized|0 Comments

3 Tips to Keep Your Boundaries in Check

Setting Boundaries can be uncomfortable. But not setting them can create havoc.

Hold onto your Boundaries because 2022 is Yang Tiger Water Energy!

My friend, Karen Alber Carrasco, wrote this great article and I had to share it! It’s called, 2022 Tiger Wave: Surfing with the Yang Water Tiger. What struck me was the importance of keeping our boundaries in place, especially after the past two years of up-leveling our lives as we created, and re-created, ourselves to be in alignment with our values.

The past two years were ruled by the metal element, and metal represents details, the fine print, analysis of what is working, and what isn’t. Think of really getting inside the box and critiquing every detail. That requires metal energy.

This year’s element is water. And with water, things can become dark and murky, confusing, or uncertain. Think about decisions you made when you weren’t clear, when your choices weren’t an absolute yes. I imagine those particular choices might have brought about an unwanted result. Yes?

That’s why being clear on our boundaries becomes critical. The thing is, a lot of us may not even know what our boundaries are, let alone being able to hold them in place.

3 Tips to Keep Your Boundaries In Check:

First, Have a self-honoring practice or ritual in place – this is for you and only you. Whether it’s meditating, writing, exercising, knitting, taking a hot bath once a week, etc. Find what connects you to you.
- When you take the time to self-connect, your choices will be in alignment with what feels true and right for you, in each moment.
Second, before making a choice – any choice – check in with yourself and ask yourself these questions:
- What do I want?
- What do I need?
- How do I feel?
- What do I think?
- Because when we are coming from a place of knowing how we feel, and what we need, we are more likely to have our needs met, which allows us to make clear requests of someone else. Its when we haven’t taken the time to figure out what we want and need that things get murky.
- And this year’s Yang Tiger Water energy will be powerful and passionate, and has the potential to uproot us if we’re not firmly planted in our own boundary foundation.
Third, and this might be hard to hear, but I’m going to invite you to embrace being ‘selfish.’ I know selfish gets a bad wrap because of old programming of what not to be. However, when we put everyone else’s needs before our own, we swing to the other side of the pendulum to self-less, and end up feeling obligated and resentful. This reminds me of Marshall Rosenberg’s poem, The Hungry Duck, where the intention is strive to give from a place of willingness, vs. obligation.

As the first month of 2022 is almost behind us, and this new water energy is upon us, I encourage you to pay attention to your needs, your wants, your desires, and make sure you feet are planted firmly in your own personal boundaries.

Have a question or comment? Reach out to me here.

You can find upcoming events here. There are only a few spots left for the Feb 5th Grok Party, where we play games with Grok Cards to connect more deeply to our own emotions and needs. And, registration for my group boundary coaching program will be opening soon. 🙂

Wishing you clarity and courage to choose YOU!

Love,
Chris

If you know of someone that would appreciate this newsletter, please share it with them. 🙂

By Christine Gipple|2022-01-28T13:52:12-05:00January 28th, 2022|Uncategorized|0 Comments

Retrogrades, Relationships & Resetting Priorities

Are the retrogrades messing with your relationships? Do you feel like you and your partner might actually be on different planets?

Considering six, yes, SIX planets are in retrograde right now, it’s a good time to press pause on the panic button.

So what exactly is happening?

Right now, Mercury, Mars, Jupiter, Neptune, Saturn & Pluto are in retrograde. In a retrograde, things come up for review, processing, digesting and completing. It’s a time for tying up loose ends and details, and not necessarily a time to start a slew of new projects. You’re invited to complete those incompletions once and for all. When one planet is in retrograde, we can feel off, rushed, like things are more out of control than we’d like, but when six are in retrograde, it’s even more important to pause.

Even if you don’t believe in astrology, it may be hard for you to ignore some of the events that have been transpiring for the past few months. Things might feel more amped up or intensified than usual.

Personally, I’ve found it increasingly difficult to feel productive, clear, to stay on task with projects, or to have any type of communication with my partner that doesn’t end with us walking away frustrated and frazzled, and feeling unheard.

Here’s a little scoop on each of the planets and how they might be affecting you:

Mercury Retrograde – (6/26 to 8/19/18) Since Mercury is the ruler of communication, it’s definitely a great time to double check details. Have a spare key in your wallet, fill your gas tank, check your oil and fluids in your car, make sure you have a few bucks cash on you, etc. Just the other day, I walked out of the house without my keys, left the house with $1 in my wallet, and got to a show without tickets I already purchased, and it was “cash only” at the door. (Thankfully, I had a spare key in my wallet, and the girl at the desk knew and trusted me when I told her I purchased tickets, and she let me in.)
Mars Retrograde (6/26 to 8/27/18) When Mars is direct, we typically can communicate more clearly, take direct decisive action and more fully trust ourselves. But when in retrograde, we can doubt, not trust our instincts, and internalize emotions and events, feeling more pressure. Be gentle with yourself if you need more rest than usual, if you need more time to think about things and process what’s happening around you. Good self-care is critical right now. Here’s a little more on the Mars Retrograde.
Jupiter Retrograde – (3/9 to 7/10/18) Consider this to be the Yin/Yang for change. Change can be scary, especially when we don’t see it coming, yet, change is often the very thing we need to get us to our next level. Since everything is energy, and energy is always changing, it makes sense to surrender a bit and go with the flow. With Jupiter in intense Scorpio, you may experience your own upleveling so just observe what’s here for you, change what you can, and let go of what you cannot. There’s no rule that says change has to be painful.
Pluto Retrograde – (4/22 to 9/30/18) Pluto is all about looking at what needs to be healed, what’s lurking beneath what’s really going on, and what needs to be transformed. Pluto is the peeling back of our subconscious layers. Since retrogrades are a review of the past events, when Pluto is in retrograde, we’re invited to look at all those subconscious behaviors, shadow beliefs, choices, and patterns that are calling us to change. You may feel challenged beyond your comfort zone. That’s ok. It’s a time of review. So, Review, Re-Evaluate and if needed, Re-direct your energy and focus.
Saturn Retrograde – (4/18 to 9/6/18) As a Cappy (Capricorn), this is my ruling planet. Saturn is all about perseverance, tenacity and growth, and setting things right on the karmic path. What we put out is what we get back, so this lesson is amplified during a retrograde. We’re given the opportunity to really set things right if we’ve been off course.
Neptune Retrograde (6/19 to 9/26/18) Emotions may seem to be too intense for you right now. Neptune is one of the rulers of Pisces, a water sign that can be emotionally charged. During a retrograde, and especially if this happens to be your ruling planet or your rising sign, you may feel a bit more pressure to dive into the uncomfortable waters of the unknown. Trust. Stay with it. There’s growth here. If you feel the urge to run from this intensity, understand what’s here for you is an invitation to go a little deeper to resolve what’s been hidden. It’s also an excellent time to call on your creativity and intuition which may feel heightened. Trust your gut by going within and making the changes you need to make.

Action Challenge:

Two steps to prepare yourself physically and emotionally during the retrograde

Take 20 minute power naps to reset yourself as you need to. I can hear you saying, “But I don’t have 20 minutes….”, so I challenge you…Instead of surfing social media for 20 minutes, or eating when you’re not hungry, or starting a “conversation” with your partner when you’re already tired or spent, excuse yourself. Set your phone timer for 20 minutes and nap. I guarantee you’ll feel a new perspective when you re-engage. Just notice if you start to spiral, if you’re not breathing, or if you feel particularly uneasy with the changes happening around you. If so, nap, nap, nap. Every day. 20 minutes. And let me know what shifts you notice.
Take Action with any or all of these. Put an extra spare key in your wallet. Allow plenty of time for travel. Double and triple check details before clicking “send”. Have back up directions printed before going on the road to a new destination. Make sure you have at least $5 to $10 in your wallet of cash before leaving your house. Charge your phone or devices before leaving the house. Purchase a charger for your car and keep it there. Press the mental pause button before replying to a heated conversation. Let go of something you’ve been holding onto (a grudge, a personal belonging, an issue that’s causing you anguish, a belief that’s not serving).

Leave a comment below or email me telling me what you did, and what happened as a result. 🙂

Like this article, and want more like it? Follow me here.

Until next time, Press Pause on the panic button. Breathe. And trust. You’re right where you need to be.

x’s and o’s

Chris

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Want to learn more about this particular retrograde cycle? You can do that here and here.

By Christine Gipple|2018-07-01T21:53:59-04:00July 1st, 2018|Uncategorized|0 Comments

[Stop Crossing Your Own Line!] Are you staying when you need to leave?

Are you staying in a job, relationship, or situation you should’ve left a long time ago?

Have you received intuitive hits, inner nudges, or had dreams about the situation, and ignored them?

I call it crossing my own line.

I can tell you what NOT to do.

Don’t stay when everything in you knows it’s not what you need, and not aligned with your values.

Don’t cross your own line.

That’s exactly what I did in 2015. I stayed in a job that crossed my line in every way. Employees talked behind people’s backs, bosses screamed at employees or other bosses, and there was no one I felt I could trust. Yet, I stayed. For the first time since having my daughter 8 years prior, I felt financial ease, and I liked it.

That financial ease came at a cost. In April 2015, I fell at work permanently changing my physical health.

I ignored my own voice. I ignored those inner nudges. I was so clouded that I didn’t even see the connection to my intuition until after the fall when I read an older journal entry. In Feb 2015, I’d written about how I was “completely out of alignment with this job and company’s values”. I didn’t listen. Post fall, I was physically out of alignment with a back, knee and hip injury.

A couple shadow beliefs surfaced with this fall. One was that, “I don’t matter”, and I really needed to matter. I told myself a story that if the bosses knew how badly I was hurt, they’d care; they’d make changes to insure no one else got hurt, or at the very least, they’d take precautions so that I wouldn’t get re-injured. But the truth was, they did know and nothing changed.

Another shadow belief was, “I can’t depend on anyone else.” I stayed out of fear. I feared I’d lose my financial freedom if I didn’t have the same income. It’s true my finances would change. But I was living in a state of fear anyway. Everything in my life was different. I couldn’t do my job, yoga, exercise, climb steps, walk, sit for a period of time, or sleep without pain. Nothing in my life was the same. So how much freedom was I really going to lose?

Anger, righteousness and denial were all pieces of this puzzle that it took me the next two years to unravel and let go of. If I’m being honest, I held onto these far longer than I want to admit. Truth was, I chose to stay – even when this company showed me who they were, and I knew it was out of alignment with who I was. I wasn’t making the changes I needed to make, so the universe stepped in to assist, taking me out at the knees.

This is what happens. If we’re not listening, the messages get louder. The whispers become screams. The intuitive hits aren’t so subtle anymore. We repeat patterns by drawing in those exact people, circumstances and situations that will have us play out the exact message we’re refusing to see. Whether it’s a relationship, a job, a boundary issue with someone you love, (or someone you don’t), or disconnection from a partner we’re refusing to see. Solutions come out sideways. Often, the choices would’ve been far easier to just make the change in the first place.

Embrace the conflict.

What’s one core belief you’ve had that hasn’t served you? I’m curious how willing you are to hold onto that belief? Is it serving you? Holding on can be a form of resistance, denial, or anger, or a combination of these things. Do you know your threshold on when it’s time to leave?

Today I invite you to look at your life objectively.

Is there something you need to change? Is there a nagging little voice inside that isn’t going away?

Sending you big love as you walk the path of alignment,

Chris

xo

P.S. If you’d like to follow my blog and receive my newsletter on simplifying, letting go and creating more ease, you can do that here .

By Christine Gipple|2018-01-07T01:59:51-05:00November 26th, 2017|Uncategorized|0 Comments

Being tired is a Choice: Shift from exhausted to energetic :)

Happy Sunday!

For the past 5 days, we hosted two girls from The Young Americans (YA) while our daughter did her first YA workshop. We chose to be a “home-stay” family (aka host) in hopes it would do two things – deepen the experience for my daughter, making her feel more comfortable trying something new, and support a great community. It did those things.

We also became very attached to *our* YA girls, Sasha and Moriah. 😉 This morning, I felt like I was sending my own children off to college as they loaded the tour bus for their next stop. Which I suppose I was – The YA school of performing arts is based in California where both the girls attend and live.

When I asked the girls how they keep their energy high on tour, Sasha laughed and said, “Well, sometimes coffee”, then added, “The way I see it is, being tired is a choice.” They also added that when we think we’re tired, sometimes it’s important to push through it and get to that edge, to go beyond where you think you can go.

Doing what we think we can’t takes courage.

How often do we stop doing something because we feel tired, or because something feels “too hard”? I know for me, I’ll procrastinate, telling myself a story that I either don’t know how to do something, it’ll take too long, or I don’t have what I need to complete it, etc. Then I waste mental energy ruminating over details in my head, making myself “tired”.

Truth is, if I simply DO that one thing that I think I “can’t”, or that I tell myself I’m not ready to do, it opens up a whole other level of energy.

Without knowing it, Sasha & Moriah gifted me this morning. They reminded me time is energy. And energy can be a feeling. A belief. A choice. Granted, I’m not advocating to push past healthy boundaries, where we ignore our need for sleep, rest and rejuvenation. I am saying sometimes we give up too soon. We tell ourselves we can’t do something, when in fact, we may not even try. Maybe we *could* accomplish it – if we chose to try.

Next time you feel tired, ask yourself what’s underneath that mindset. Do you really need sleep or rest, or is there some action you need to take, or some small step you could complete that would boost your energy?

I’d be remiss if I didn’t share our experience with YA. If you know children that love music and performing, definitely check out a YA workshop. There are still a couple stops left on this tour. After that, the next tour is in 3 years.

Sending a big hug to you on this gorgeous November day,

Chris

xo

If you know someone who’d benefit from reading this, feel free to share it out! 🙂

P.S. If you’d like to follow my blog and receive my newsletter on simplifying, letting go and creating more ease, you can do that here .

By Christine Gipple|2018-01-07T02:01:41-05:00November 12th, 2017|Uncategorized|0 Comments