self care Archives - Life Coaching by Christine Gipple

Give yourself permission for Reciprocity

Give yourself permission for reciprocity. Make choices for your own self-preservation and self-care.

This time of year, reciprocity often takes a back seat. With so many people in need, it may seem selfish not to give – of our time, our money, our efforts, our service, etc.

Just for a moment, however, let’s put aside the needs of others, and turn the focus onto you.

I want you to think about what you long for in your day-to-day life. What’s missing in your relationships? Where are you settling for less than what you want, and less than what you know you deserve? Where are you hiding parts of yourself to be accepted, or loved, or just to keep the status quo?

In this moment, think about what “Reciprocity” means to you.

For context:

I’m talking about reciprocity in relationships in this post. Relationships that are physically and mentally capable of meeting you where you are, and who have no disabilities prohibiting them from being in a conscious and mindful partnership with you.
I’m not talking about reciprocity in terms of social responsibility or referring to people that are reliant on you, or who are literally incapable of offering mutuality in return

Here’s my definition of reciprocity:

Reciprocity means both parties choose to be in connection, for mutual benefit, and they agree to the “terms” of the relationship. They’re making a conscious choice to be there and to show up as equal contributors – whether that’s a friend, a partner, a parent, or your adult children. They will offer respect, trust, integrity and express themselves in the most authentic version of themselves that they can, while also embodying compassion and empathy – for themselves and the other.

This is what I give, and what I want in relationship. So, I have an expectation that I can be real, honest, and direct – even emotionally messy -and I’ll be received. Because that’s our agreement.

I’m no longer willing to accept relationships that are based on anything less than that.

On Marriage…

My husband and I are coming up on 30 years in March. And we’ve had a rocky road. Feels like 6 marriages within our 3-decade relationship because with each version of our marriage, we’ve come to a deeper level of understanding within ourselves and with each other.
In essence, as we up-leveled, the version of our relationship that we had up to that point was extinguished and we began again.

On friendship…

Another relationship that taught me true reciprocity is that of my very best friend on the planet, Lisa. Lisa and I have known each other since we were babies. Literally. Over the years, we had one clip of time where we weren’t in contact. I suppose we needed that space to do our own work to grow and heal and understand ourselves better. We needed to have our own life experiences so we could return stronger, more connected, and more aligned.
When we reunited, we mutually agreed that we could show up as we were. Even if that meant it was messy, or not all put together.
It meant raw, real, and completely uncensored. Brutally honest and authentic. But also, kind, compassionate and empathetic. Even if it wasn’t what we wanted to hear. We agreed to say what the other needed to hear.

My marriage and this friendship are what reciprocity means to me. Sometimes one person may have something come up in their lives where they need a little more support. But it’s always balanced out with equal time being given to each other throughout the relationship.

I’m reminded of “Chosen Family.”

We can’t choose the family we’re born into. But we can choose the family that brings out the best in us, that supports us, and that allows us to be ourselves.

I found this instagram post this morning by elephantjournal that expands on this.

On Self-worth and burnout…

Reciprocity didn’t used to be so important to me. My worth used to be measured by how much I gave to others – at work, at home, with volunteering, and in my family and extended family – pretty much everywhere.
There’s a saying – “How we do one thing is how we do everything.” And I saw my pattern to run full steam ahead with my selfless acts in multiple areas. I took responsibility for situations that weren’t mine to begin with.
Then I burned out. I noticed certain relationships were tipping too far in one direction. I allowed my outdated core belief of “I don’t matter” to run the show. That belief had me take the backseat to my life, letting others get their needs met before me, often instead of me, and letting others take up space, which left me feeling isolated, empty, and resentful.

Reciprocity is NOT:

Over-giving and feeling resentment
Giving what we think we “should” (a word I’ve deleted from my vocabulary because “should” infers obligation, guilt and “have to” leaving us with zero choice)
Giving because it’s what’s always been done.

On boundaries…

I’m no longer willing to tolerate relationships that aren’t reciprocal. Where there’s only take and no give.
I’m no longer willing to be the only one to make the effort to repair any disconnect that may have happened, when in the end, the relationship was not reciprocal to begin with.

Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of nonviolent communication, talks about giving in the context of willingness in his poem, “The Hungry Duck.” This poem basically says that we want to give from a place of willingness, like that of a child feeding a hungry duck. Because when we’re giving from any other place (obligation, have-to, resentment), we and others will pay a price.

So, circling back to the first questions I asked.

What’s missing in your relationship(s)?
Where are you allowing yourself to settle for less than what you want?
Where are you settling for less than you deserve?
Where are you hiding parts of yourself to be loved, accepted or to keep the status quo?

And I’ll add, what’s it going to take for you to put your own needs and self-care on your list?

Wishing you the courage and strength to no longer settle, no longer accept the unacceptable, and to bring yourself into alignment with your most authentic self that honors your needs, your boundaries and your own self-care.

With love,

Chris

By Christine Gipple|2022-11-25T15:59:05-05:00November 25th, 2022|Uncategorized|0 Comments

Pretending, Avoidance & Addiction – 5 Questions to Navigate Change

It’s 2005. I’m sitting in circle with 15 women and the discussion is being led my long term mentor, Cheryl Richardson, who asks the question, “What are you pretending?” Each woman answers in turn. When it comes to me, my answer surprises me. I respond with, “I’m pretending that my life is OK when it isn’t.” Thirteen years and a 12-year old daughter later, my answer is similar. This time though, there’s a slight but significant variation with my response. This time, I’m not hiding in my discontent. This time I’m not hoping things around me will change. This time, I’m changing me.

Getting Unstuck…

How many times do you stay stuck in situations you don’t love? You tolerate them; you pray; you wish for the people or the situation to change; you hope someone will see your perspective; or you hope the other person will “step-up” to communicate with you in a way that fills your need for connection and attention. Then, when none of this happens, you stay in the same spiral of disconnect within yourself, ruminating over details and data, living in the same circumstances, wearing a façade of acceptance. Pretending.

When we choose to stay, in anything that’s less than what we desire or require, we must ask ourselves what we’re getting by not making the changes we know we need to make. We must acknowledge that we’re getting something or we wouldn’t do it. Some need is being met, some benefit is coming from our action or we wouldn’t continue with the same pattern or behavior.

So what are you getting by not changing what you know you need to change?

Do you get to avoid discomfort? Do you avoid exposure of a truth that’s too embarrassing for you, or that you think is too upsetting for others to hear? Or maybe you get to tell yourself, it’s for “the kids?” Let me clue you in. The kids know what’s going on anyway. You’re not sparing them any pain by staying in a situation you’d rather not be in. They see the upset, the disconnection, the hugs that aren’t happening, the conversations being avoided, the looks not being exchanged. Even if they’re little, they sense it energetically.

Perhaps you get to stay on auto-pilot. You get to do what’s familiar. You get to stay in your routines and habits which feels safer and more secure than changing. You get to avoid feeling pain. You get to numb out. You get to say you “have to” do whatever it is, and you continue to not think, not feel, not process what’s really happening around you. Maybe you get to not have to do the work in your relationships. Or maybe you get to hide in your addictions.

Addictions

Addictions show up in all of us, not just in those drawn to alcohol or drugs. We are addicted to alcohol, books, clutter, computer games, drugs, education, exercise, food, learning, Netflix, people, porn, sex, shopping, strategies, work, or even the recovery process. Our addictions allow us to numb out and avoid the pain we don’t want to feel.

The strategy is avoidance. The payoff is we get temporary relief by avoiding the pain of change.

What’s the cost of avoiding making the changes you need to make?

Costs of our Avoidance

Maybe it’s disconnection to those you really care about, drama, emotional pain and turmoil, physical pain in your body like arthritis, auto-immune disorders, colds, migraines, cancer or any multitude of other manifestations. Whether it’s ruminating negative thoughts that dominate your choices and behaviors, one thing is certain. We can be sure that our bodies will detox pain however they can. They’ll take us out when we need to reset – I’ve learned this first hand more than once. In physical form, unprocessed pain might come out as disease. Emotionally, unprocessed pain is likely to come out sideways through our toxic behaviors and patterns having the potential to destroy relationships. The question becomes, what are you willing to do about it?

Pain…

Here’s the deal. We all feel pain. We all feel sadness and despair at some point in our lives. No one is spared from pain or change.. Change is the one constant we can depend on.

Change can feel hard and scary and messy.

Change brings up anger, discomfort, discord, fear, resentment, and vulnerability. Even if you like change, it’s still awkward, especially when we don’t know what’s on the other side.

While I love ritual and routine, I also love freedom and spontaneity, so at times I feel in conflict with my own needs. In the past I’ve seen myself pass by opportunities out of fear, and I’ve jumped impulsively into a heartfelt YES without knowing where it was taking me. I’ve experienced situations where anything was better than were I was, so I jumped into the unknown trusting I’d be held in the uncertainty.

Life can be feel hard and impossible sometimes. These past few months, I’ve learned when I show up as vulnerable and real, unseen doors open that allow more growth and more healing. I’m learning to trust myself and speak my truths, even if it means people might leave, or not like me, and even if my words might land in someone else in a way I didn’t intend. How my words land isn’t my responsibility, how I deliver them is. I can only control my presence in which I offer myself.

You might be surprised at how others show up FOR you when you show up AS YOU.

My invitation to you is this: Stop pretending your life is ok if it isn’t. Speak your truth. Say what you feel. Ask for what you need. Take off your mask.

Action Challenge:

This week, take 5 minutes to close your eyes and ask yourself these five (5) questions.

Where are you hiding?
What are you pretending?
What’s one change you’d like to have made 3 months from now?
What’s one doable, small, achievable and realistic thing you can do this week, to take a step toward that change?
Are you willing to make this commitment to yourself? If so, when?

Did you like this article and challenge? Let me know what shifted as a result of this challenge or even just from reading this article. I love hearing from you. Email me here, or leave a message in the comments below.

Sending you so much love…

xo

Chris

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By Christine Gipple|2018-12-15T22:55:03-05:00December 15th, 2018|Uncategorized|3 Comments

When you don’t recognize yourself, it’s time for a [RESET]

Today, I had a brief, but intense conversation with someone, after which I found myself blurring around a wooded path like Jason Bourne on amphetamines. I’d crossed my own line, again.

After replaying the conversation in my head, I thought, “Who WAS that?”, and I was referring to myself. I made a request that immediately left me with regret, and in retrospect I knew if the same was asked of me, if I’d had the same information this person had at the time of my request, I may have responded with confusion too.

If communication feels confusing (or infuriating!) during this Mercury retrograde, I’m right there with you. Perhaps life feels like it’s unraveling, turning you upside down and you can’t seem to get a grip, or maybe you’ve left your house without your keys or something critical you needed, or you blew through a red light or turned the wrong way down a street you’re on every day. During this retrograde, take the time to slow down, give yourself the gift of breathing. Mercury is the planet that rules communication and when it’s retrograde, you can expect the unexpected.

I’ve made a whirlwind of choices and decisions this past month that left me second guessing, doubting myself, and not paying attention to my own needs, boundaries, and desires. I’ve been in reaction mode, and ignoring my intuition, not making conscious choices.

Today was my final catapult back to me, and to trusting myself. The retrograde is a time for reflection, and it brings up stuff to be healed. I don’t need to be an astrologer to know when it’s in retrograde – my body and my emotional state reminds me, if I’m paying attention. And I realized I haven’t been paying attention.

I’ve been spreading myself thin, running from one activity to another, not handling priorities that needed to be handled, and have been reactive to emotions that have been overflowing in me. Though my sun sign is a Capricorn, my rising sign is Scorpio and, somehow, I know that’s adding some intensity to what’s already here.

When you notice you’re on auto-pilot, you’re showing up in ways you don’t even recognize, you’re hearing words escape your mouth that you immediately regret, be gentle with yourself.

The real “gifts” of a retrograde, any retrograde are to remind us to slow down. So, give yourself a little extra compassion. Know that you can reset. You can always reset.

Every moment is another opportunity to connect within.

I’m going to take my own advice.

I’m pressing the big fat PAUSE button.

By Christine Gipple|2018-12-15T19:38:00-05:00November 20th, 2018|Uncategorized|0 Comments

Feelings & Needs, Part II – What’s driving your behavior?

How do you help someone when they’re out of touch with their own needs?

What if it’s your child, and they’re laying on the floor, with tears running down their face, and they’re so overwhelmed they can’t tell you what they need? Like it was for my daughter last weekend. How do you invite connection, intimacy and interaction?

As a parent to a highly sensitive child, it’s been a delicate dance of knowing when to ask questions, when to give space, and when to hold space. I know for me, when my daughter starts to get overwhelmed, I need to start looking at where I am. What am I feeling, what am I needing? How am I contributing to her own stress levels, if at all?

This where self-empathy comes in. In order to tune in to the needs of someone else, we have to do self-connection first.

When we’re meeting our own needs, we increase the capacity to hear others’ needs. I admit, it’s not always easy to pause, especially if we’re feeling stressed out, have too much on our plates, or are running on little sleep. Combine those factors with a highly sensitive person (HSP), and you have a recipe for disconnect and discord.

As I mentioned last week in Feelings and Needs, Part I, in our family dynamic, peaceful resolution to conflict is always the goal. Hearing the needs of everyone in the house is a priority. It’s our way of being. When I was growing up, the mindset of my parents was the kids were to be seen and not heard. We did what we were told, without invitation for conversation or discussion. Needs or Feelings weren’t considered, and I almost laugh when I think about what would’ve happened if I’d tried to express back then. I heard, “Do as I say, not as I do” more times than I can count. The silent message was, “Your needs don’t matter. Be quiet. Do what you’re told. Don’t ask questions, and if you have an opinion, keep it to yourself – you’re just a kid – I’M the parent.”

If you look at the logic of that, it doesn’t really make sense. When you think of a kid speaking their mind, what do you think of? I hear the saying, “Out of the mouths of babes…” – in other words, kids are uncensored, honest. They don’t filter what they say or how, and often they have incredible insight and wisdom. That’s a gift.

Consider this: When a need is met, it goes away.

When we can truly hear a person and connect to what’s going on for them, that’s often what they desire most – to be heard, to feel valued, to be seen. So when you consider the concept that all behavior is an attempt to fulfill a need, it makes sense to find the need under the behavior. Whether your child is curled up in a ball crying, or someone’s lashing out, screaming, or hurling things across the room, there’s a need underneath the behavior. Looking past the behavior to understand what’s driving it is key. That’s where the truth is. And where there’s truth, we can be vulnerable, connected, and move on.

However you’re celebrating this season, if you’re feeling obligated, stressed out, or like you can’t give anymore, press your own “Pause” button. Close your eyes. Take a breath. And ask yourself, “What do I most need?” If you can’t name the need, ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” And work your way to the need that’s driving your behavior. Find your way to your own truth.

The best gift you can give is your presence. You’ll feel happier, lighter, and so will the people around you.

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Much love and Merry Christmas,

Chris

xo

By Christine Gipple|2018-01-07T01:50:02-05:00December 25th, 2017|Uncategorized|0 Comments

Soul Space Decluttering

Soul Space…

Spaces where you find what you want when you want it.

Where you have what you need at your fingertips.

Space to think, to be, to feel, to connect.

To feel alive, to breathe deeply, have restful sleep, connect with yourself, and those you love.

To realign with what matters most…

Three of my core values are for Order, Ease and Simplicity.

When those needs are met, I’m calm, present, connected. I’m aligned. It’s easy to follow through on commitments, take action toward what I want, to say yes when I mean yes, and no when I mean no when my actions are internally aligned with my values and needs.

One way for us to stay aligned is to consistently reevaluate what we keep.

So yesterday I did a challenge (Link at end) to Declutter 100 items in less than an hour. The intent of this challenge is to set your timer for 60 minutes and go room to room gathering 10 items, 20 items etc, from each space until you have 100. You don’t stop until the timer goes off, or until you have 100.

I didn’t do it the same way as recommended, not by design totally. My somewhat OCD self – not really, but kinda – needed to have order amidst the self-induced clutter clearing challenge.

I started in my kitchen. And stayed there for 60 minutes. I cleaned, wiped, and organized as I decluttered – not part of the challenge. When the timer went off, I wasn’t done, nor did I have 100 items. So I set it for another 30 minutes, and this time stopped cleaning, organizing and wiping, kinda. I really am “Monica” from Friends, so it’s my own niche to clean, sort & organize as I go. But I did make it out of my kitchen, and into my bathroom. This time, when the timer went off, I had 160 items total and I even managed to find two missing items that had fallen underneath a drawer and were laying at the bottom of a cabinet. So 90 minutes, 160 items, not too bad. Still, I’ll redo the challenge and do it as designed.

There’s two lessons here: 1) it’s so easy to throw ourselves off track, and 2) it’s just as easy to bring us back when we have focus, awareness and intention.

Ease. Order. Simplicity. Life isn’t always easy, orderly, and it’s certainly not always simple. Which is why it’s critical to create soul spaces in your home, and habits. Self-care, yoga, working out, eating well – whatever it is that nurtures you and keeps you feeling connected and alive – that’s what needs to be in your daily rituals.

So where do you need to create more space? Is there a certain room? A certain spot within a room? Maybe a specific relationship needs a clear boundary in place? Maybe your mind wishes for quiet so you can actually hear your own thoughts and inner desires? What’s on your wish list? Your #50Desires?

Does this sound fun to you? The idea is to create incentive to let go, and to have fun in the process. Hop on over to https://bemorewithless.com/decluttering-burst/ for Courtney Carver’s Declutter 100 Items in Less than an Hour Challenge. Let me know what happened for you. 🙂 #bemorewithless, #100DeclutterChallenge.

Enjoy the process. Life’s too short to stress over our stuff. Learn to let it go!

Sending love,

Chris

xo

By Christine Gipple|2017-08-20T17:37:09-04:00August 20th, 2017|Uncategorized|0 Comments

Are you resisting the flow? Or riding waves with ease?

I wasn’t in the flow today.

I’m not sure what tipped me off first – the guy abruptly backing into my car while I waited at the stop sign, or my windshield wiper flying off as I drove down the Black Horse Pike – in the rain. But I was definitely NOT in the flow, and felt my day spiraling into chaos.

Maybe it was the meltdown that came before I left my house after getting an upsetting call, reminding me of the conflict I feel about a decision that must be made, soon. Or being woken up by outrageously loud saws, music and voices coming from my next door neighbors roof as men installed fascia on his home. Or when my vacuum cleaner spit OUT the items it was supposed to be taking in. Maybe it was when the water spilled all over the paperwork I needed to take with me when I left the house. Or the torrential rain and winds that took down a tree near my house, causing me to drive down a different street, placing me at that stop sign so the kind gentleman could smash into me in the first place.

Yeah, it was all of that. One after another, things were happening, reminding me to stop. To slow down. To pause, and feel the emotions flooding through me.

I knew it was time to get quiet.

But my intention was clear when I woke up. We were driving to North Jersey to see the documentary, Vaxxed. “My plan” was to get out of the house – despite the prediction of rain later in the day, despite my car needing to be dropped off for service, despite seeing unfinished signs to be made for a yard sale, despite dishes in my sink, despite my printer needing fixing so I can get it to scan, despite my home needing attention, and “me” needing attention.

I wanted to stick with “the plan”.

But my daughter wasn’t embracing spending a chunk of the day in the car, which would’ve been the case. Honoring her needs as well as mine is a core value to me. So I amended the plan. But I didn’t really want to. I was all in my head thinking how important this film is, and how we can only make change if we all see the facts. I’ve seen the film in NY but my daughter hasn’t. My real resistance to cancelling our plans though had little to do with the actual film, and more to do with the mayhem I felt inside. I needed order, and going with the plan allowed me to feel in control – of something.

Here’s the truth.

Our “plan” really has no place in our day. We can plan, sure. And, we need to be aware, (for me, much more quickly), when our plans need amending. It was one of those days – I wanted to do what I intended, and I didn’t feel like being flexible.

How many times have you had days like this? Where things weren’t lining up the way you wanted, where you were resisting, and received constant blocks trying to redirect you? What will you do next time this happens?

I know what I’ll do. I’ll get on my yoga mat and meditate. Or write. Or breathe. Or cry. Or all of those.

There’s a time to plow through and stick with the plan, and there’s a time to allow things to unfold naturally. When those blocks come, it’s a reminder to slow down, to pause.

It’s not time to plow – it’s time to allow.

Because sometimes we need to allow stuff to move through us before it can leave us.

I’d love to hear what you do when this happens for you. How do you reset yourself? How do you tune back in? I often will organize or clear clutter, but that just wasn’t in my energetic field today. The universe had other plans.

Leave a comment below, and if this helped you, please share it!

With love and blessings,

Chris

By Christine Gipple|2017-04-22T19:37:36-04:00June 8th, 2016|Holistic Health, Intuition|0 Comments