What to do when doing the *Right Thing* feels hard

First, Happy Mother’s Day!

Second, I want to share a story from yesterday when it was really challenging to do the “right” thing. And at the end I’ll share my process for making choices in the moment when I feel challenged.

I don’t like to look at things from a right/wrong perspective. Instead, I choose to see things from a lens of what is aligned with my values and what isn’t.

Yesterday, it took all of my focus to reframe a situation – as it was happening – when a driver did something that was way out of integrity with my values. In the moment, I felt like I couldn’t do anything about it.

If you prefer to listen to this story, click below. It’s in 2 parts because I didn’t figure out how to combine them – yet! 😉

​Part 1 is here – 7min listen​.

​Part 2 is here – 5 min listen​.

We were leaving the college campus after my 18 yr old’s graduation. She entered the college at 15 as a high school student (proud homeschooling mama moment).

The parking lot looked like a Taylor Swift concert. When we finally got on the main road out, this black shiny Honda with blacked out windows was trying to get in front of my husband (husband was driving).

I don’t know about you, but I drive with the unspoken car etiquette that when in traffic, we let the car in front of us in, then we go, then the car behind us lets a car in and they go, etc…

Well, after my husband lets the car in front of us in, Mr. Honda wants to move in, too. So my husband moves up a tad in the still jammed lane.

But then Mr. Honda gets close enough to the car in front of him that he taps the bumper of it. Lightly. But still makes contact.

As soon as I see that, and my husband again starts to inch forward, I’m telling him to STOP because #1) it’s clear to me this guy doesn’t give a shit if he hits our car or not, and #2) it’s not worth getting into an altercation or accident over this. 

After much persuasion (and we had time to talk because, again, the lot was like a Swiftie concert), my husband lets the car in.

Mr Honda then rolls down his blacked out windows and makes direct eye contact with both of us in his mirror. He’s smiling, laughing and gesturing with his hands as if to say, “Haha – I got you. I got what I wanted” as his rap music blared from his souped up Honda Civic. That’s the nice version. He was probably saying something totally different!

What I didn’t know until we got home was that this punk (yes, I have total judgment) had rolled down his window and made faces and hand gestures to my husband while we were in the parking lot. But I didn’t see it because I was looking at my husband and trying to convince him to let it go, and let the guy in front of us. 

My husband left that part out, in the moment. And it’s probably a good thing he did, as I may have gotten out of my car and wanted to “educate” this young punk, and this story might’ve had a different ending.

Through his own rage, my husband was just trying to “do the right thing.”

This brought up a conversation around how difficult it can feel to do the *right thing* when others are acting in ways that are so out of alignment with our values.

We want to react. We want them to see how their actions aren’t showing respect or consideration for others. And tell them how their actions are impacting us. Or we want to scream at them to “Just just do the *right* fu#%ing thing!”

We realized it can seem like we don’t have another choice in these situations, or like we have to give up our values in order to do what’s right.

However, being “right” is subjective, so we have to find *our* right. We have to know what matters to us, and what feels important. And if we want any kind of connection with others, we want to find out what matters to them as well.

Questions to ask yourself when presented with a challenge like this:

  1. How would your 2-hours-later-version-of-you handle this?
  2. What matters most to you in this moment?

If something like this happens to you, I suggest you tune in to what matters to you in that moment. What would the 2-hours-later-version-of-you wish you’d done or said?

For me, I was concerned for our safety. I hadn’t seen the driver, so I didn’t know who was behind the wheel. Though, I’ll be honest, I expected it to be some young punk like it was (total judgment). But I was also thinking I don’t want the hassle of dealing with an “accident” if this turns into an altercation.

We’d just gotten our new car after replacing it with a previous new car that was totaled 6 days after we got it when a guy ran an intersection. I’m still dealing with the details of that.

So, I also valued my time and didn’t want to waste any more energy resulting from some kid that had zero respect for others.

My husband also wanted respect, and was feeling furious that he was having to step down and stay quiet because speaking up could cause a major issue. And I get it. He wanted to express his rage. So, on the way home I invited him to let the jackals run (In nonviolent communication we refer to our judgments as jackals since they’re judgy, critical and condemning).

My daughter, now frustrated with both of us for continuing our jackal show said, “Omg are you done yet?!”

But no, we weren’t. We were still processing and expressing.

I’ll end this by asking a question and offer a suggestion. Can you relate to this? 

What have you done in this kind of situation, and what do you wish you would have done? And what would the 2-hours-later-version-of-you have done if they would’ve connected to what was most important to them in that moment?

THAT’s the place I want to respond from. The place where I’m connecting to what matters most to me, so I know I’m in integrity with my values, with each choice I make.

Hope this helps you tune into what’s in alignment with you. It reminded me how I want to show up in the world. And it’s not like that little punk! Yes, I’m still in judgment. 😉

Would love to hear what comes up for you in reading or listening to this. Simply click reply and let me know!

PS- Photo credit is from johnhain.com

By |2024-05-12T16:35:39-04:00May 12th, 2024|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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How to Build Trust and Intimacy In Relationships – A TED Talk to Share

I heard this TED talk with Louise Evans a while back, and when it came to me a 2nd time, I had to share it with you!

This reminded me of an exercise from nonviolent communication (NVC for short), called, “The Four Ears.”

Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of NVC, says we have four options for receiving negative messages, and they are:

  1. We judge ourselves.
  2. We judge others.
  3. We empathize with ourselves.
  4. We empathize with others.

Our response largely depends on how we hear and interpret these messages.

In other words, our response will depend on what we’re making the situation mean – about ourselves, others, or the world. 

So, depending on how we interpret something, we potentially create calm or chaos.

It’s our choice.  But it’s often an unconscious one.

Louise says, “in every moment, we’re making choices about our behaviors that we’re bringing into the world.”  And, she shares a step we can take before reacting that supports us in making those choices consciously.

In this TED Talk of “The 5 Chairs”, Louise calls this step, WAIT. It’s the transition step between judgment and empathy where she invites us to ask ourselves, “What Am I Thinking?”, before we react.

How many times has something happened and we immediately go to judgment, and we react, based on our own perception of what we just heard or saw?

And, how many times is our perception off, and we jump to a conclusion that isn’t even true?

This is the power of the Pause.

I love how she reminds herself to hang on for a second, noting that she needs more data because she doesn’t have all the puzzle pieces yet. She consciously decides to check the meaning making in her head against what’s really in front of her.

When we pause here, we allow ourselves to consider, just for that brief moment, what else might be going on, besides the story we’re telling ourselves.

  • Pausing gives us space to mindfully choose our next step.
  • Pausing gives us time to carefully respond, instead of instantly react.
  • Pausing gives us clarity because we’re checking in with our own internal dialogue.

If you find that you’re reacting more than you’d like in your relationships, whether it’s at home, at work, in your family dynamics, with your partner or children, you’re not alone.

See if you can integrate WAIT before reacting.

Ask yourself what you are thinking.

Ask yourself what you’re making this situation mean, and if it’s even true.

See if you need more information before you respond.

And then, watch your relationships begin to shift.

Because they will shift!

When you Pause to ask yourself what you are thinking, what you are making this mean, and what story you’re telling yourself, you then have the opportunity to check it out with the other person to see if any of that was even true.

If you’re feeling confused and needing clarity around your best next move, here’s a few bonus questions to support you in seeing if your actions are aligned with your values:

  • What’s important here?
  • What matters most to me?
  • What do I want?
  • What do I need?

Connecting to our needs and values FIRST allows us to make conscious choices that will bring us closer to our desires.

Drop me a line. I’d love to know how this impacts you!

Wishing you love and connection,

Chris

P.S.  I also loved the cost of “being right” (8m22 into video). See if you can relate. I know I could see a previous version of myself where my detail oriented perfectionist ran the show. 😉

By |2023-02-24T23:57:09-05:00February 24th, 2023|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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Give yourself permission for Reciprocity

Give yourself permission for reciprocity. Make choices for your own self-preservation and self-care.

This time of year, reciprocity often takes a back seat. With so many people in need, it may seem selfish not to give – of our time, our money, our efforts, our service, etc.

Just for a moment, however, let’s put aside the needs of others, and turn the focus onto you.

I want you to think about what you long for in your day-to-day life. What’s missing in your relationships? Where are you settling for less than what you want, and less than what you know you deserve? Where are you hiding parts of yourself to be accepted, or loved, or just to keep the status quo?

In this moment, think about what “Reciprocity” means to you.

For context:

  • I’m talking about reciprocity in relationships in this post. Relationships that are physically and mentally capable of meeting you where you are, and who have no disabilities prohibiting them from being in a conscious and mindful partnership with you.
  • I’m not talking about reciprocity in terms of social responsibility or referring to people that are reliant on you, or who are literally incapable of offering mutuality in return

Here’s my definition of reciprocity:

  • Reciprocity means both parties choose to be in connection, for mutual benefit, and they agree to the “terms” of the relationship. They’re making a conscious choice to be there and to show up as equal contributors – whether that’s a friend, a partner, a parent, or your adult children. They will offer respect, trust, integrity and express themselves in the most authentic version of themselves that they can, while also embodying compassion and empathy – for themselves and the other.

This is what I give, and what I want in relationship. So, I have an expectation that I can be real, honest, and direct – even emotionally messy -and I’ll be received. Because that’s our agreement.

I’m no longer willing to accept relationships that are based on anything less than that.

On Marriage…

  • My husband and I are coming up on 30 years in March. And we’ve had a rocky road. Feels like 6 marriages within our 3-decade relationship because with each version of our marriage, we’ve come to a deeper level of understanding within ourselves and with each other.
  • In essence, as we up-leveled, the version of our relationship that we had up to that point was extinguished and we began again.

On friendship…

  • Another relationship that taught me true reciprocity is that of my very best friend on the planet, Lisa. Lisa and I have known each other since we were babies. Literally. Over the years, we had one clip of time where we weren’t in contact. I suppose we needed that space to do our own work to grow and heal and understand ourselves better. We needed to have our own life experiences so we could return stronger, more connected, and more aligned.
  • When we reunited, we mutually agreed that we could show up as we were. Even if that meant it was messy, or not all put together.
  • It meant raw, real, and completely uncensored. Brutally honest and authentic. But also, kind, compassionate and empathetic. Even if it wasn’t what we wanted to hear. We agreed to say what the other needed to hear.

My marriage and this friendship are what reciprocity means to me.  Sometimes one person may have something come up in their lives where they need a little more support. But it’s always balanced out with equal time being given to each other throughout the relationship.

I’m reminded of “Chosen Family.”

We can’t choose the family we’re born into. But we can choose the family that brings out the best in us, that supports us, and that allows us to be ourselves.

I found this instagram post this morning by elephantjournal that expands on this.

On Self-worth and burnout…

  • Reciprocity didn’t used to be so important to me. My worth used to be measured by how much I gave to others – at work, at home, with volunteering, and in my family and extended family – pretty much everywhere.
  • There’s a saying – “How we do one thing is how we do everything.” And I saw my pattern to run full steam ahead with my selfless acts in multiple areas. I took responsibility for situations that weren’t mine to begin with.
  • Then I burned out. I noticed certain relationships were tipping too far in one direction. I allowed my outdated core belief of “I don’t matter” to run the show. That belief had me take the backseat to my life, letting others get their needs met before me, often instead of me, and letting others take up space, which left me feeling isolated, empty, and resentful.

Reciprocity is NOT:

  • Over-giving and feeling resentment
  • Giving what we think we “should” (a word I’ve deleted from my vocabulary because “should” infers obligation, guilt and “have to” leaving us with zero choice)
  • Giving because it’s what’s always been done.

On boundaries…

  • I’m no longer willing to tolerate relationships that aren’t reciprocal. Where there’s only take and no give.
  • I’m no longer willing to be the only one to make the effort to repair any disconnect that may have happened, when in the end, the relationship was not reciprocal to begin with.

Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of nonviolent communication, talks about giving in the context of willingness in his poem, “The Hungry Duck.”  This poem basically says that we want to give from a place of willingness, like that of a child feeding a hungry duck. Because when we’re giving from any other place (obligation, have-to, resentment), we and others will pay a price.

So, circling back to the first questions I asked.

  • What’s missing in your relationship(s)?
  • Where are you allowing yourself to settle for less than what you want?
  • Where are you settling for less than you deserve?
  • Where are you hiding parts of yourself to be loved, accepted or to keep the status quo?

And I’ll add, what’s it going to take for you to put your own needs and self-care on your list?

Wishing you the courage and strength to no longer settle, no longer accept the unacceptable, and to bring yourself into alignment with your most authentic self that honors your needs, your boundaries and your own self-care.

With love,

Chris

By |2022-11-25T15:59:05-05:00November 25th, 2022|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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Fall into Connection – with YOURSELF! Two Upcoming Classes

Fall is my favorite season ever – I LOVE this time of year! Even though Fall is what has kept me in Jersey, Winter makes me want to leave. But, we’re not there just yet…

I took a few pictures of the fall foliage today, so I’m sharing here.  No filter. Just my phone.   I breathe easier just looking at these!

Fall invites us to slow down and pay attention to our inner nudges. It invites us to listen to those quiet whispers before they turn to screams.

If you have a self-reflection or self-connection practice, you know what I mean. When we slow down enough, we can actually hear what matters to us.

So, I thought I’d also share a couple intimate online events that I’ll be doing in the next few weeks – both of which foster deeper self-connection. ♥

  • The first event is happening THIS Friday, October 28th, (2022) from 1pm-3:30pm ET.  A small group of us (around 15-20 people max) will play connecting games to support us in saying what we mean. We’ll also show you how to get to the heart of what matters, and how to avoid circular conversations that can send us over our edge. You can learn more and register for the GROK party event here.

Past participants have found these parties extremely connecting and they keep coming back for more!

  • Which brings me to the second event – The “After GROK party”, taking place on Thursday, Nov 10th (2022) from 11am-12pm ET  Some of you have asked, “what comes next?” after attending the initial GROK party, and this is it!  You can learn more and register for the After Grok Party here.
  • The After Grok Party is likely to be a smaller, more intimate group.
  • (**Note**To attend the After Grok Party, please make sure you’ve either attended a GROK party before, or that you have a working knowledge of nonviolent communication before registering for the event.)
  • In both events, you’ll be supported in a safe environment to receive/give empathy and to experience connection and fun!
  • The Zoom link will be provided once you register.

You’ll want to have GROK cards available for our call. While not mandatory, having the physical cards creates more ease in following along. If you need cards and you’re local to me, please email me (I have some on hand). Otherwise, this link will connect you directly with Claire Schwartz who will get them shipped out to you!

Action Challenge:

Drop me a line and share what’s ONE thing you’re eager to let go of in 2022, and what’s ONE thing you’re excited to bring in for 2023?  These can be people, things, beliefs, habits, routines, etc. It’s YOUR choice. Sometimes the act of writing them down or sharing them with someone assists in making them happen, so do share!

 

 

 

By |2022-10-26T00:09:32-04:00October 25th, 2022|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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Pretending, Avoidance & Addiction – 5 Questions to Navigate Change

It’s 2005.  I’m sitting in circle with 15 women and the discussion is being led my long term mentor, Cheryl Richardson, who asks the question, “What are you pretending?”  Each woman answers in turn.  When it comes to me, my answer surprises me.   I respond with, “I’m pretending that my life is OK when it isn’t.”     Thirteen years and a 12-year old daughter later, my answer is similar.  This time though, there’s a slight but significant variation with my response.  This time, I’m not hiding in my discontent.  This time I’m not hoping things around me will change.   This time, I’m changing me.

Getting Unstuck…

How many times do you stay stuck in situations you don’t love?   You tolerate them; you pray; you wish for the people or the situation to change; you hope someone will see your perspective; or you hope the other person will “step-up” to communicate with you in a way that fills your need for connection and attention.  Then, when none of this happens, you stay in the same spiral of disconnect within yourself, ruminating over details and data, living in the same circumstances, wearing a façade of acceptance.  Pretending.

When we choose to stay, in anything that’s less than what we desire or require, we must ask ourselves what we’re getting by not making the changes we know we need to make.  We must acknowledge that we’re getting something or we wouldn’t do it.  Some need is being met, some benefit is coming from our action or we wouldn’t continue with the same pattern or behavior.

So what are you getting by not changing what you know you need to change?

Do you get to avoid discomfort?  Do you avoid exposure of a truth that’s too embarrassing for you, or that you think is too upsetting for others to hear?   Or maybe you get to tell yourself, it’s for “the kids?”  Let me clue you in.  The kids know what’s going on anyway. You’re not sparing them any pain by staying in a situation you’d rather not be in.   They see the upset, the disconnection, the hugs that aren’t happening, the conversations being avoided, the looks not being exchanged.  Even if they’re little, they sense it energetically.

Perhaps you get to stay on auto-pilot.  You get to do what’s familiar. You get to stay in your routines and habits which feels safer and more secure than changing.   You get to avoid feeling pain.  You get to numb out.   You get to say you “have to” do whatever it is, and you continue to not think, not feel, not process what’s really happening around you.   Maybe you get to not have to do the work in your relationships.  Or maybe you get to hide in your addictions.

Addictions

Addictions show up in all of us, not just in those drawn to alcohol or drugs.   We are addicted to alcohol, books, clutter, computer games, drugs, education, exercise, food, learning, Netflix, people, porn, sex, shopping, strategies, work, or even the recovery process.  Our addictions allow us to numb out and avoid the pain we don’t want to feel.

The strategy is avoidance.  The payoff is we get temporary relief by avoiding the pain of change.

What’s the cost of avoiding making the changes you need to make?

Costs of our Avoidance

Maybe it’s disconnection to those you really care about, drama, emotional pain and turmoil, physical pain in your body like arthritis, auto-immune disorders, colds, migraines, cancer or any multitude of other manifestations.   Whether it’s ruminating negative thoughts that dominate your choices and behaviors, one thing is certain.   We can be sure that our bodies will detox pain however they can.  They’ll take us out when we need to reset – I’ve learned this first hand more than once.  In physical form, unprocessed pain might come out as disease.  Emotionally, unprocessed pain is likely to come out sideways through our toxic behaviors and patterns having the potential to destroy relationships.  The question becomes, what are you willing to do about it?

Pain…

Here’s the deal.   We all feel pain.  We all feel sadness and despair at some point in our lives.   No one is spared from pain or change..  Change is the one constant we can depend on.

Change can feel hard and scary and messy.

Change brings up anger, discomfort, discord, fear, resentment, and vulnerability.   Even if you like change, it’s still awkward, especially when we don’t know what’s on the other side.

While I love ritual and routine, I also love freedom and spontaneity, so at times I feel in conflict with my own needs.  In the past I’ve seen myself pass by opportunities out of fear, and I’ve jumped impulsively into a heartfelt YES without knowing where it was taking me.  I’ve experienced situations where anything was better than were I was, so I jumped into the unknown trusting I’d be held in the uncertainty.

Life can be feel hard and impossible sometimes.  These past few months, I’ve learned when I show up as vulnerable and real, unseen doors open that allow more growth and more healing.  I’m learning to trust myself and speak my truths, even if it means people might leave, or not like me, and even if my words might land in someone else in a way I didn’t intend.  How my words land isn’t my responsibility, how I deliver them is.  I can only control my presence in which I offer myself.

You might be surprised at how others show up FOR you when you show up AS YOU.

My invitation to you is this:    Stop pretending your life is ok if it isn’t.  Speak your truth.  Say what you feel.   Ask for what you need.  Take off your mask.

Action Challenge:

This week, take 5 minutes to close your eyes and ask yourself these five (5) questions.

  1. Where are you hiding?
  2. What are you pretending?
  3. What’s one change you’d like to have made 3 months from now?
  4. What’s one doable, small, achievable and realistic thing you can do this week, to take a step toward that change?
  5. Are you willing to make this commitment to yourself? If so, when?

Did you like this article and challenge?   Let me know what shifted as a result of this challenge or even just from reading this article.  I love hearing from you.  Email me here, or leave a message in the comments below.

Sending you so much love…

xo

Chris

Sharing is caring!  If you know someone who would love this article, please share it with them.  🙂

Want to stay connected?   Join my community of change makers here.

By |2018-12-15T22:55:03-05:00December 15th, 2018|Uncategorized|3 Comments
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