What to do when doing the *Right Thing* feels hard

First, Happy Mother’s Day!

Second, I want to share a story from yesterday when it was really challenging to do the “right” thing. And at the end I’ll share my process for making choices in the moment when I feel challenged.

I don’t like to look at things from a right/wrong perspective. Instead, I choose to see things from a lens of what is aligned with my values and what isn’t.

Yesterday, it took all of my focus to reframe a situation – as it was happening – when a driver did something that was way out of integrity with my values. In the moment, I felt like I couldn’t do anything about it.

If you prefer to listen to this story, click below. It’s in 2 parts because I didn’t figure out how to combine them – yet! 😉

​Part 1 is here – 7min listen​.

​Part 2 is here – 5 min listen​.

We were leaving the college campus after my 18 yr old’s graduation. She entered the college at 15 as a high school student (proud homeschooling mama moment).

The parking lot looked like a Taylor Swift concert. When we finally got on the main road out, this black shiny Honda with blacked out windows was trying to get in front of my husband (husband was driving).

I don’t know about you, but I drive with the unspoken car etiquette that when in traffic, we let the car in front of us in, then we go, then the car behind us lets a car in and they go, etc…

Well, after my husband lets the car in front of us in, Mr. Honda wants to move in, too. So my husband moves up a tad in the still jammed lane.

But then Mr. Honda gets close enough to the car in front of him that he taps the bumper of it. Lightly. But still makes contact.

As soon as I see that, and my husband again starts to inch forward, I’m telling him to STOP because #1) it’s clear to me this guy doesn’t give a shit if he hits our car or not, and #2) it’s not worth getting into an altercation or accident over this. 

After much persuasion (and we had time to talk because, again, the lot was like a Swiftie concert), my husband lets the car in.

Mr Honda then rolls down his blacked out windows and makes direct eye contact with both of us in his mirror. He’s smiling, laughing and gesturing with his hands as if to say, “Haha – I got you. I got what I wanted” as his rap music blared from his souped up Honda Civic. That’s the nice version. He was probably saying something totally different!

What I didn’t know until we got home was that this punk (yes, I have total judgment) had rolled down his window and made faces and hand gestures to my husband while we were in the parking lot. But I didn’t see it because I was looking at my husband and trying to convince him to let it go, and let the guy in front of us. 

My husband left that part out, in the moment. And it’s probably a good thing he did, as I may have gotten out of my car and wanted to “educate” this young punk, and this story might’ve had a different ending.

Through his own rage, my husband was just trying to “do the right thing.”

This brought up a conversation around how difficult it can feel to do the *right thing* when others are acting in ways that are so out of alignment with our values.

We want to react. We want them to see how their actions aren’t showing respect or consideration for others. And tell them how their actions are impacting us. Or we want to scream at them to “Just just do the *right* fu#%ing thing!”

We realized it can seem like we don’t have another choice in these situations, or like we have to give up our values in order to do what’s right.

However, being “right” is subjective, so we have to find *our* right. We have to know what matters to us, and what feels important. And if we want any kind of connection with others, we want to find out what matters to them as well.

Questions to ask yourself when presented with a challenge like this:

  1. How would your 2-hours-later-version-of-you handle this?
  2. What matters most to you in this moment?

If something like this happens to you, I suggest you tune in to what matters to you in that moment. What would the 2-hours-later-version-of-you wish you’d done or said?

For me, I was concerned for our safety. I hadn’t seen the driver, so I didn’t know who was behind the wheel. Though, I’ll be honest, I expected it to be some young punk like it was (total judgment). But I was also thinking I don’t want the hassle of dealing with an “accident” if this turns into an altercation.

We’d just gotten our new car after replacing it with a previous new car that was totaled 6 days after we got it when a guy ran an intersection. I’m still dealing with the details of that.

So, I also valued my time and didn’t want to waste any more energy resulting from some kid that had zero respect for others.

My husband also wanted respect, and was feeling furious that he was having to step down and stay quiet because speaking up could cause a major issue. And I get it. He wanted to express his rage. So, on the way home I invited him to let the jackals run (In nonviolent communication we refer to our judgments as jackals since they’re judgy, critical and condemning).

My daughter, now frustrated with both of us for continuing our jackal show said, “Omg are you done yet?!”

But no, we weren’t. We were still processing and expressing.

I’ll end this by asking a question and offer a suggestion. Can you relate to this? 

What have you done in this kind of situation, and what do you wish you would have done? And what would the 2-hours-later-version-of-you have done if they would’ve connected to what was most important to them in that moment?

THAT’s the place I want to respond from. The place where I’m connecting to what matters most to me, so I know I’m in integrity with my values, with each choice I make.

Hope this helps you tune into what’s in alignment with you. It reminded me how I want to show up in the world. And it’s not like that little punk! Yes, I’m still in judgment. 😉

Would love to hear what comes up for you in reading or listening to this. Simply click reply and let me know!

PS- Photo credit is from johnhain.com

By |2024-05-12T16:35:39-04:00May 12th, 2024|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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Mastering Discernment: Navigating life’s choices with clarity and wisdom

It’s common for us to judge. As humans, we’re wired to want to make sense of situations, which involves making judgments. We judge ourselves, others, and the world at large. However, our judgments are often unconscious and can come across as blame, shame or attack. Our judgments can be swift and harsh when we’re not paying attention. 

Discernment, on the other hand, allows for conscious and careful consideration of a situation. Like the scales pictured above, discernment allows us to gather data, weigh our options, and make informed choices. For example, when we’re deciding what to say, what to do, what to keep, what to let go of, or even whether to stay in a relationship or not, we need discernment.

This article explores seven (7) ways to infuse discernment into your daily practices so you can live a more intentional life.

The 7 Steps

Here’s the short or TLDR version (Too Long Didn’t Read)

  1. Practice Pausing
  2. Elicit Self-Trust
  3. Cultivate Self-Awareness
  4. Learn through Reflection
  5. Embody Empathy
  6. Find Shared Values (Values = Needs = What Matters Most)
  7. Listen Actively + Express Honestly

Longer version ↓ for how to apply each step ♥

Step 1.  Practice Pausing

  • When you’re making a choice and it’s not an absolute yes, pause. If there’s doubt, it’s a NO in this moment. You might need more information, or just time to process the info you do have before choosing. Give yourself time to sit in the space of no longer and not yet. For example, when a situation changes, it’s no longer what it used to be, and it’s also not yet what it will become. This can feel messy.
  • Discernment requires space to ponder, especially when it comes to life’s bigger decisions like a job change, a move, choosing a college or leaving a marriage. Without discernment, you might make impulsive decisions that you regret. Pausing creates space for you to feel your emotions coming up around the choice. Pausing takes you off of autopilot and brings you back into your body. If you want to make choices that align with your values, pausing is an essential step to creating that clarity.
  • However, when pondering becomes rumination, it may be time to act. For me, if I’m ruminating, I’m starting to do overthink and obsess, which takes more energy and mental space than I want. Rumination tells me it’s time to trust, to decide, and to let the outcome be what it will.

Step 2. Elicit Self-Trust

  • Trust that whatever the outcome of your choice, you (and those impacted by your choice) can handle it. It may not be “perfect.” Perfection doesn’t exist. Maybe you’ll say something that you wish you could take back or you’ll do something that you later regret. That’s ok. Even in those choices, there will be growth. You’ll learn something that you didn’t know prior, and this allows you to evolve. You’ll gain wisdom, and the next time you’re making a similar choice, it’s likely you’ll choose slightly differently, if you’re paying attention. Which brings us to number three. Self-Awareness.

Step 3. Cultivate Self-Awareness

  • Without awareness, our judgements and assessments of others cause us to project onto others. We blame, don’t do our own internal work, and we may walk around on autopilot, making assumptions about why others did what they did, without having any facts to truly back it up.
  • Instead of judging ourselves and others unconsciously, make it a point to notice your judgments when they come up. This takes practice.
  • Each time you hear yourself making a judgment of yourself or someone else, you could pause and say to yourself, “This is me making a judgment. I’m telling myself ________”, and fill in the blank with whatever story or narrative that you believe in the moment. Challenge these thoughts by asking if this is true, or if it’s just the story you’ve been telling yourself. It may or may not be true. What data do you have that has you making this judgment? Is it an old story that you’ve been carrying around? Discernment allows us to carefully weigh data objectively without our own personal bias.
  • Unexamined judgments are unconscious biases formed when we were too young to know what was happening. Our job as consciously evolving adult humans is to do our inner work so we’re not projecting our inner wounds onto those around us.

Step 4. Learn through Reflection

  • To get to the place of wisdom, where “When you know better, you do better” (thank you Maya Angelou), you must reflect on what worked and what didn’t. Reflecting allows us to pivot when needed because we’ve assessed something objectively. To develop your own reflective practice, you could journal, meditate, keep notes on your phone, or talk into a recorder if journaling isn’t your thing. Whatever will support you in gaining clarity about what worked and what didn’t is what you’re looking for.
  • Therapy and coaching are also excellent tools to support inner work. Therapy is helpful to explore and manage emotions. Coaching takes it a step further and holds you accountable to the changes you say you want to make. It allows you to create an intentional destination vs. a habitual one.
  • Two questions to play with: 1) When things worked out the way you hoped, reflect and ask yourself, “In this situation, what went the way I wanted, and what choices did I make that supported that outcome?” 2) For things that didn’t work out the way you wanted, ask yourself the same question above, and then add, “In this situation, what choices did I make that, next time, I’ll do differently?” Allowing space for reflection invites more aligned choices in your future.

Step 5. Embody Empathy

  • Discernment goes hand in hand with empathy. Take time to consider the person or situation you’re judging. If you’re judging yourself, did you make the best choice you could with the information you had? Can you give yourself some grace? If you’re judging another, are you able to imagine what you might have done in their shoes? Or how they might be feeling about the situation? Examine how your own preconceived ideas or biases are contributing to your judgment. Embodying empathy allows for compassion and kindness. The kinder we are to ourselves, the better able we are to make self-honoring choices instead of self-sabotaging ones.

Step 6. Find Shared Values (Needs/What matters to you)

  • When you’re judging, look for places where your core values intersect with another. It’s in these intersections that we’re more inclined, and more willing, to collaborate with others. Finding shared values is deeply connected to empathy. You might find it challenging to recognize someone else’s needs or values if you aren’t able to empathize with them.
  • However, when we are able to uncover our similarities and connect to the motivation (their need) beneath another’s behavior, it’s easier to see the humanity of another, vs. the label that we’ve cast upon them.
  • Releasing the label releases the judgment, and allows us to make clearer decisions from a conscious, discerning place.

Step 7. Listen Actively + Express Honestly

  • Listening to others is nuanced. We all have our biases, so when we’re in judgment, it’s tough to truly hear another person. In fact, it’s close to impossible. If we can’t hear them, how can we make discerning choices that honor both of us? Active listening involves coming into a conversation clean, without an agenda to fix, heal, change or have the other person do anything differently.
  • Alongside listening is expressing ourselves honestly. To do this, it’s helpful to know what activates us, or what sets us off.  It’s even better when we’re aware where that comes from. Louise Hay used to say, “you can’t clean the house if you can’t see the dirt.” In other words, we can’t fix or change something if we refuse to look at it.
  • Hearing yourself is also an art. Sometimes, the voices inside our own heads are not our own. Old tapes played from family members, authority figures, or some other internal critical voice might override our own, drowning out our intuition.
  • Learning to listen to your own voice is critical to making discerning choices that align with your I’ve made many choices where I ignored my intuition, and each time, it’s been a massive growth opportunity, or AFGO (another fucking growth opportunity!). Just a few years ago I had back surgery. Walking into the hospital, I had an intuitive hit that told me not to have the surgery. I ignored my intuition to pause; I wasn’t an absolute yes. But I didn’t let myself pause and I had the surgery. And it’s been AFGO, which is a story for another time.

A final note about judgment. Judgment isn’t right or wrong, good, or bad. It just is. We’re human. We judge. It’s when we go through life judging without our own internal examination to see where our judgments are coming from that creates external havoc. We can’t change what we don’t want to see. (think of Louise Hay with the dirt). Being aware of our judgment is the best way to shift our judgment.

In conclusion, when you practice discernment in these areas, you deepen the connections with yourself and those around you. When you’re discerning in your choices, you’re living an intentional life. Living an intentional life enables you to set clear boundaries, do what you love, and have fewer regrets.

Here’s to operating from a place of internal alignment, where we’ll cultivate gratifying relationships that nourish us, which in turn allow us to serve others in a more impactful way.

A discerning life creates a more intentional life.

May 2024 be intentional and filled with all that matter to you!

Love,

Chris

Additional Resources:

Watch on YouTube:  Taylor Swift’s 2022 Commencement address to NYU graduates, where she discusses life choices and practicing discernment. 28m4s watch. It’s well worth watching!

Listen on YouTube: Alanis Morissette’s song, Tapes (about critical inner voices / self-judgment)

Read lyrics to Alanis’s Tapes.

Enjoy this article? Please share it with your friends and family. 🙂

If you’d like to be notified of new articles or events, please click here to join my newsletter community.

 

By |2024-01-04T19:22:59-05:00January 1st, 2024|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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Give yourself permission for Reciprocity

Give yourself permission for reciprocity. Make choices for your own self-preservation and self-care.

This time of year, reciprocity often takes a back seat. With so many people in need, it may seem selfish not to give – of our time, our money, our efforts, our service, etc.

Just for a moment, however, let’s put aside the needs of others, and turn the focus onto you.

I want you to think about what you long for in your day-to-day life. What’s missing in your relationships? Where are you settling for less than what you want, and less than what you know you deserve? Where are you hiding parts of yourself to be accepted, or loved, or just to keep the status quo?

In this moment, think about what “Reciprocity” means to you.

For context:

  • I’m talking about reciprocity in relationships in this post. Relationships that are physically and mentally capable of meeting you where you are, and who have no disabilities prohibiting them from being in a conscious and mindful partnership with you.
  • I’m not talking about reciprocity in terms of social responsibility or referring to people that are reliant on you, or who are literally incapable of offering mutuality in return

Here’s my definition of reciprocity:

  • Reciprocity means both parties choose to be in connection, for mutual benefit, and they agree to the “terms” of the relationship. They’re making a conscious choice to be there and to show up as equal contributors – whether that’s a friend, a partner, a parent, or your adult children. They will offer respect, trust, integrity and express themselves in the most authentic version of themselves that they can, while also embodying compassion and empathy – for themselves and the other.

This is what I give, and what I want in relationship. So, I have an expectation that I can be real, honest, and direct – even emotionally messy -and I’ll be received. Because that’s our agreement.

I’m no longer willing to accept relationships that are based on anything less than that.

On Marriage…

  • My husband and I are coming up on 30 years in March. And we’ve had a rocky road. Feels like 6 marriages within our 3-decade relationship because with each version of our marriage, we’ve come to a deeper level of understanding within ourselves and with each other.
  • In essence, as we up-leveled, the version of our relationship that we had up to that point was extinguished and we began again.

On friendship…

  • Another relationship that taught me true reciprocity is that of my very best friend on the planet, Lisa. Lisa and I have known each other since we were babies. Literally. Over the years, we had one clip of time where we weren’t in contact. I suppose we needed that space to do our own work to grow and heal and understand ourselves better. We needed to have our own life experiences so we could return stronger, more connected, and more aligned.
  • When we reunited, we mutually agreed that we could show up as we were. Even if that meant it was messy, or not all put together.
  • It meant raw, real, and completely uncensored. Brutally honest and authentic. But also, kind, compassionate and empathetic. Even if it wasn’t what we wanted to hear. We agreed to say what the other needed to hear.

My marriage and this friendship are what reciprocity means to me.  Sometimes one person may have something come up in their lives where they need a little more support. But it’s always balanced out with equal time being given to each other throughout the relationship.

I’m reminded of “Chosen Family.”

We can’t choose the family we’re born into. But we can choose the family that brings out the best in us, that supports us, and that allows us to be ourselves.

I found this instagram post this morning by elephantjournal that expands on this.

On Self-worth and burnout…

  • Reciprocity didn’t used to be so important to me. My worth used to be measured by how much I gave to others – at work, at home, with volunteering, and in my family and extended family – pretty much everywhere.
  • There’s a saying – “How we do one thing is how we do everything.” And I saw my pattern to run full steam ahead with my selfless acts in multiple areas. I took responsibility for situations that weren’t mine to begin with.
  • Then I burned out. I noticed certain relationships were tipping too far in one direction. I allowed my outdated core belief of “I don’t matter” to run the show. That belief had me take the backseat to my life, letting others get their needs met before me, often instead of me, and letting others take up space, which left me feeling isolated, empty, and resentful.

Reciprocity is NOT:

  • Over-giving and feeling resentment
  • Giving what we think we “should” (a word I’ve deleted from my vocabulary because “should” infers obligation, guilt and “have to” leaving us with zero choice)
  • Giving because it’s what’s always been done.

On boundaries…

  • I’m no longer willing to tolerate relationships that aren’t reciprocal. Where there’s only take and no give.
  • I’m no longer willing to be the only one to make the effort to repair any disconnect that may have happened, when in the end, the relationship was not reciprocal to begin with.

Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of nonviolent communication, talks about giving in the context of willingness in his poem, “The Hungry Duck.”  This poem basically says that we want to give from a place of willingness, like that of a child feeding a hungry duck. Because when we’re giving from any other place (obligation, have-to, resentment), we and others will pay a price.

So, circling back to the first questions I asked.

  • What’s missing in your relationship(s)?
  • Where are you allowing yourself to settle for less than what you want?
  • Where are you settling for less than you deserve?
  • Where are you hiding parts of yourself to be loved, accepted or to keep the status quo?

And I’ll add, what’s it going to take for you to put your own needs and self-care on your list?

Wishing you the courage and strength to no longer settle, no longer accept the unacceptable, and to bring yourself into alignment with your most authentic self that honors your needs, your boundaries and your own self-care.

With love,

Chris

By |2022-11-25T15:59:05-05:00November 25th, 2022|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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Fall into Connection – with YOURSELF! Two Upcoming Classes

Fall is my favorite season ever – I LOVE this time of year! Even though Fall is what has kept me in Jersey, Winter makes me want to leave. But, we’re not there just yet…

I took a few pictures of the fall foliage today, so I’m sharing here.  No filter. Just my phone.   I breathe easier just looking at these!

Fall invites us to slow down and pay attention to our inner nudges. It invites us to listen to those quiet whispers before they turn to screams.

If you have a self-reflection or self-connection practice, you know what I mean. When we slow down enough, we can actually hear what matters to us.

So, I thought I’d also share a couple intimate online events that I’ll be doing in the next few weeks – both of which foster deeper self-connection. ♥

  • The first event is happening THIS Friday, October 28th, (2022) from 1pm-3:30pm ET.  A small group of us (around 15-20 people max) will play connecting games to support us in saying what we mean. We’ll also show you how to get to the heart of what matters, and how to avoid circular conversations that can send us over our edge. You can learn more and register for the GROK party event here.

Past participants have found these parties extremely connecting and they keep coming back for more!

  • Which brings me to the second event – The “After GROK party”, taking place on Thursday, Nov 10th (2022) from 11am-12pm ET  Some of you have asked, “what comes next?” after attending the initial GROK party, and this is it!  You can learn more and register for the After Grok Party here.
  • The After Grok Party is likely to be a smaller, more intimate group.
  • (**Note**To attend the After Grok Party, please make sure you’ve either attended a GROK party before, or that you have a working knowledge of nonviolent communication before registering for the event.)
  • In both events, you’ll be supported in a safe environment to receive/give empathy and to experience connection and fun!
  • The Zoom link will be provided once you register.

You’ll want to have GROK cards available for our call. While not mandatory, having the physical cards creates more ease in following along. If you need cards and you’re local to me, please email me (I have some on hand). Otherwise, this link will connect you directly with Claire Schwartz who will get them shipped out to you!

Action Challenge:

Drop me a line and share what’s ONE thing you’re eager to let go of in 2022, and what’s ONE thing you’re excited to bring in for 2023?  These can be people, things, beliefs, habits, routines, etc. It’s YOUR choice. Sometimes the act of writing them down or sharing them with someone assists in making them happen, so do share!

 

 

 

By |2022-10-26T00:09:32-04:00October 25th, 2022|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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Change Your Closet, Change Your Life. A TEDx Talk to Share

I’m so excited to share this TEDx talk I found on YouTube:  Change Your Closet, Change Your Life. 

In the video below, Gillian Dunn talks about her own wake-up call when she went into her closet to get a candle that she was saving for a special occasion, only to find a big ball of blue wax inside the box.  The candle had done exactly what it was supposed to do – melt – but it did it without her.  This spurred an inner exploration that changed her life.

This video had me reflecting on how we live our lives in our own self-imposed chains. 

These chains show up as limiting beliefs, excuses, fear, worry and doubt.  These chains stop us from living the life we say we want.  We find ourselves saying, “I’ll do it when…. ____.” and “Someday I’ll …____.  Fill in your blank.  We need to consciously shift our mindset and behaviors if we want to truly change.

 

Change is messy, and not always easy.

The next morning after watching the video, I leapt out of bed to start my day. During the elimination process, my 15-year-old daughter asked me why she’d never seen all these ‘fashionable’ things! She started trying them on, claiming them for her own. 😉 In the end, I donated two large bags to my favorite non-profit, and it was just the catapult I needed to re-fuel my desire to live with less.

Here’s what I want you to do:  Take the next 15 minutes (and 37 seconds) to watch this Video, and then come back and answer this question: 

What’s one thing you’re willing to commit to this week to allow yourself to step into the life you want to live?

Maybe you’re willing to….

  • Have that ‘hard’ conversation that’s been lurking over you.
  • Clear your closet of items that don’t fit (to make room for things that do).
  • Use your “good dishes” or wear your “nice clothes.”
  • Donate your excess belongings to someone in need.
  • Express your needs to someone in a loving, compassionate way.
  • Set a boundary with yourself around what you’ll no longer tolerate.

No more putting things off until “Someday.”

Life is far too short to leave our most cherished belongings tucked away in a box, or our dreams hidden in the back of our minds.

Looking for a great cause to donate to?   Here’s a non-profit I LOVE:  Katelyn started this non-profit when she was just 12 years old after being on the receiving end of an outpouring of support when her family needed it.  Now, more than a decade later, The Angels Community Outreach supports thousands.   They’re located in Pitman NJ, you can contact them here.

 

By |2022-01-30T21:44:37-05:00January 30th, 2022|Uncategorized|2 Comments
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Joyous Outrage – Embracing Peaceful Intolerance

Joyous Outrage – not words that seem to go together, right?   Stay with me…

Last night I pulled an oracle card, and my card was, “Power of Joy. ”  The card invited me to consider that when we come from a place of joy, we connect to our purpose. Even though I believe this, I found myself questioning if embracing joy was the wisest choice when we’re living with so much injustice and fear in our world right now.

In the wake of covid19, George Floyd’s murder, and a multitude of other events, I was feeling challenged to embrace joy in the face of horrific injustices. Then I realized choosing joy is the wisest choice.   The events of our world are exactly why we need to stay connected to what brings us joy.

In the saying, “time flies when you’re having fun”, we’re reminded how we wish we could stop the clock, press pause, and savor the moment, right?  Here’s a few of my moments of joy…

  1. …when I held my sleeping infant daughter in my arms and digitally recorded her tiny sounds as she breathed.
  2. …the night I pulled my wet 3-yr old out of the tub and dressed her faster than a Ninja because Santa was coming on the fire truck outside.  Her high pitched squeals of excitement literally made me cry.
  3. …and then the simple beauty of seeing flowers in a vase I love, hearing the birds chirp, witnessing children play.

Just for a moment here, close your eyes and think about what brings you true joy.  Ok, got it?  Now, hold onto that for a minute.

George Floyd’s death has both, brought our nation together, and illuminated where we’re still grossly divided.  With our peaceful protestors there are also opportunistic looters. One blurs into the other as our nation splits into what’s right, what’s wrong, as we forget the entire point of the peaceful protestors.   I stand with the protestors.  I stand up for Peaceful Intolerance.   I stand for claiming justice and joy for ALL humans.

Have the hard conversations.  Act on the social injustices you witness.  As history continues to repeat itself, I’ve felt ashamed to be a white woman when I see the inequities around me.  George Floyd death is not an isolated incident; it’s a systemic reminder of what needs to change.   Our enraged country, and our world is screaming, “Enough!”

ENOUGH!  Enough to the injustice.  Enough to the divide.   Enough to rights for some, and not for others.

What can we do if we’re not able to physically protest?   How can we bring the change we want to see? That’s what I’ve been sitting with.  What can I actually do?

As trite as it sounds, I can embrace joy.  Even in my outrage.  I can be joyously outraged as I’m reminded all lives matter.  Black lives matter.  Trans lives matter.   Children’s voices matter. Elderly voices matter.  And right now more than ever, we need to stand in solidarity that #Black Lives Matter.

Hitler divided us. Hitler decided who was worthy to live based on the color of their skin, the size or shape of their head, or the name someone had.  And now our leader is dividing us with those same criteria. I don’t know what kind of pain our president is in, but I do know we cannot afford to let his wounds lead this country anymore.

We need empathy, not tweets. 

Action Challenge:

Here’s some steps I’m taking as I’m not able to physically protest right now.  Maybe this will spark some ideas for you, too.

  1. Create a Sign to display in your window or on your lawn that promotes Peace, Social Justice, that supports equality for all lives, particularly those whose lives are marginalized in our society.
  2. Join (or create) a group to embrace and embody Anti-Racism and Social Justice as you move into activism around how to end the divide.
  3. Join the Peaceful Protestors and be Peacefully Intolerant
  4. Read books to educate yourself on racism, especially if you’re white.   Ibram X. Kendi, How to be an Anti-Racist, is a great place to start, as well as Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg.
  5. Write to your state’s leaders, your governors, your congressman, or even to The White House.
  6. Sign a variety of petitions honoring the #BlackLivesMatter movement.
  7. Watch the film Just Mercy.
  8. Support Owners of Black Owned Bookstores.

Back to joy.   If it’s true that our joy leads to our purpose, then I want to focus on what brings me joy.   Beauty.  Nature.  Space.  Writing.  My daughter.  Yoga.  Practicing compassion. Empathy. Deep Listening. Connection. Health.   As I type this, here’s my view, and it brings me joy.

What brings you joy?  What connects you to you?    When I invited you to close your eyes earlier, what joyful memories sparked in you?  Do more of that!  I hope you’ll join me in using *YOUR* voice, to step into what matters most to you.

I hope you’ll be Joyously Outraged and Peacefully Intolerant of what you’ll no longer accept when you see injustices. Here’s a quote that reminds us that an injustice anywhere is injustice everywhere.

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” Martin Luther King, Jr.

I’ll be launching an online series on Compassion, Listening and Empathy, a way to Connect You to You.  If you’re not already in my community and want to be notified of upcoming workshops, talks or events, join my community here.

I’m grateful to have you as part of my tribe.  Until we meet again…

~Chris

 

By |2020-06-07T16:43:00-04:00June 7th, 2020|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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Pretending, Avoidance & Addiction – 5 Questions to Navigate Change

It’s 2005.  I’m sitting in circle with 15 women and the discussion is being led my long term mentor, Cheryl Richardson, who asks the question, “What are you pretending?”  Each woman answers in turn.  When it comes to me, my answer surprises me.   I respond with, “I’m pretending that my life is OK when it isn’t.”     Thirteen years and a 12-year old daughter later, my answer is similar.  This time though, there’s a slight but significant variation with my response.  This time, I’m not hiding in my discontent.  This time I’m not hoping things around me will change.   This time, I’m changing me.

Getting Unstuck…

How many times do you stay stuck in situations you don’t love?   You tolerate them; you pray; you wish for the people or the situation to change; you hope someone will see your perspective; or you hope the other person will “step-up” to communicate with you in a way that fills your need for connection and attention.  Then, when none of this happens, you stay in the same spiral of disconnect within yourself, ruminating over details and data, living in the same circumstances, wearing a façade of acceptance.  Pretending.

When we choose to stay, in anything that’s less than what we desire or require, we must ask ourselves what we’re getting by not making the changes we know we need to make.  We must acknowledge that we’re getting something or we wouldn’t do it.  Some need is being met, some benefit is coming from our action or we wouldn’t continue with the same pattern or behavior.

So what are you getting by not changing what you know you need to change?

Do you get to avoid discomfort?  Do you avoid exposure of a truth that’s too embarrassing for you, or that you think is too upsetting for others to hear?   Or maybe you get to tell yourself, it’s for “the kids?”  Let me clue you in.  The kids know what’s going on anyway. You’re not sparing them any pain by staying in a situation you’d rather not be in.   They see the upset, the disconnection, the hugs that aren’t happening, the conversations being avoided, the looks not being exchanged.  Even if they’re little, they sense it energetically.

Perhaps you get to stay on auto-pilot.  You get to do what’s familiar. You get to stay in your routines and habits which feels safer and more secure than changing.   You get to avoid feeling pain.  You get to numb out.   You get to say you “have to” do whatever it is, and you continue to not think, not feel, not process what’s really happening around you.   Maybe you get to not have to do the work in your relationships.  Or maybe you get to hide in your addictions.

Addictions

Addictions show up in all of us, not just in those drawn to alcohol or drugs.   We are addicted to alcohol, books, clutter, computer games, drugs, education, exercise, food, learning, Netflix, people, porn, sex, shopping, strategies, work, or even the recovery process.  Our addictions allow us to numb out and avoid the pain we don’t want to feel.

The strategy is avoidance.  The payoff is we get temporary relief by avoiding the pain of change.

What’s the cost of avoiding making the changes you need to make?

Costs of our Avoidance

Maybe it’s disconnection to those you really care about, drama, emotional pain and turmoil, physical pain in your body like arthritis, auto-immune disorders, colds, migraines, cancer or any multitude of other manifestations.   Whether it’s ruminating negative thoughts that dominate your choices and behaviors, one thing is certain.   We can be sure that our bodies will detox pain however they can.  They’ll take us out when we need to reset – I’ve learned this first hand more than once.  In physical form, unprocessed pain might come out as disease.  Emotionally, unprocessed pain is likely to come out sideways through our toxic behaviors and patterns having the potential to destroy relationships.  The question becomes, what are you willing to do about it?

Pain…

Here’s the deal.   We all feel pain.  We all feel sadness and despair at some point in our lives.   No one is spared from pain or change..  Change is the one constant we can depend on.

Change can feel hard and scary and messy.

Change brings up anger, discomfort, discord, fear, resentment, and vulnerability.   Even if you like change, it’s still awkward, especially when we don’t know what’s on the other side.

While I love ritual and routine, I also love freedom and spontaneity, so at times I feel in conflict with my own needs.  In the past I’ve seen myself pass by opportunities out of fear, and I’ve jumped impulsively into a heartfelt YES without knowing where it was taking me.  I’ve experienced situations where anything was better than were I was, so I jumped into the unknown trusting I’d be held in the uncertainty.

Life can be feel hard and impossible sometimes.  These past few months, I’ve learned when I show up as vulnerable and real, unseen doors open that allow more growth and more healing.  I’m learning to trust myself and speak my truths, even if it means people might leave, or not like me, and even if my words might land in someone else in a way I didn’t intend.  How my words land isn’t my responsibility, how I deliver them is.  I can only control my presence in which I offer myself.

You might be surprised at how others show up FOR you when you show up AS YOU.

My invitation to you is this:    Stop pretending your life is ok if it isn’t.  Speak your truth.  Say what you feel.   Ask for what you need.  Take off your mask.

Action Challenge:

This week, take 5 minutes to close your eyes and ask yourself these five (5) questions.

  1. Where are you hiding?
  2. What are you pretending?
  3. What’s one change you’d like to have made 3 months from now?
  4. What’s one doable, small, achievable and realistic thing you can do this week, to take a step toward that change?
  5. Are you willing to make this commitment to yourself? If so, when?

Did you like this article and challenge?   Let me know what shifted as a result of this challenge or even just from reading this article.  I love hearing from you.  Email me here, or leave a message in the comments below.

Sending you so much love…

xo

Chris

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Want to stay connected?   Join my community of change makers here.

By |2018-12-15T22:55:03-05:00December 15th, 2018|Uncategorized|3 Comments
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