children Archives - Life Coaching by Christine Gipple

Give yourself permission for Reciprocity

Give yourself permission for reciprocity. Make choices for your own self-preservation and self-care.

This time of year, reciprocity often takes a back seat. With so many people in need, it may seem selfish not to give – of our time, our money, our efforts, our service, etc.

Just for a moment, however, let’s put aside the needs of others, and turn the focus onto you.

I want you to think about what you long for in your day-to-day life. What’s missing in your relationships? Where are you settling for less than what you want, and less than what you know you deserve? Where are you hiding parts of yourself to be accepted, or loved, or just to keep the status quo?

In this moment, think about what “Reciprocity” means to you.

For context:

I’m talking about reciprocity in relationships in this post. Relationships that are physically and mentally capable of meeting you where you are, and who have no disabilities prohibiting them from being in a conscious and mindful partnership with you.
I’m not talking about reciprocity in terms of social responsibility or referring to people that are reliant on you, or who are literally incapable of offering mutuality in return

Here’s my definition of reciprocity:

Reciprocity means both parties choose to be in connection, for mutual benefit, and they agree to the “terms” of the relationship. They’re making a conscious choice to be there and to show up as equal contributors – whether that’s a friend, a partner, a parent, or your adult children. They will offer respect, trust, integrity and express themselves in the most authentic version of themselves that they can, while also embodying compassion and empathy – for themselves and the other.

This is what I give, and what I want in relationship. So, I have an expectation that I can be real, honest, and direct – even emotionally messy -and I’ll be received. Because that’s our agreement.

I’m no longer willing to accept relationships that are based on anything less than that.

On Marriage…

My husband and I are coming up on 30 years in March. And we’ve had a rocky road. Feels like 6 marriages within our 3-decade relationship because with each version of our marriage, we’ve come to a deeper level of understanding within ourselves and with each other.
In essence, as we up-leveled, the version of our relationship that we had up to that point was extinguished and we began again.

On friendship…

Another relationship that taught me true reciprocity is that of my very best friend on the planet, Lisa. Lisa and I have known each other since we were babies. Literally. Over the years, we had one clip of time where we weren’t in contact. I suppose we needed that space to do our own work to grow and heal and understand ourselves better. We needed to have our own life experiences so we could return stronger, more connected, and more aligned.
When we reunited, we mutually agreed that we could show up as we were. Even if that meant it was messy, or not all put together.
It meant raw, real, and completely uncensored. Brutally honest and authentic. But also, kind, compassionate and empathetic. Even if it wasn’t what we wanted to hear. We agreed to say what the other needed to hear.

My marriage and this friendship are what reciprocity means to me. Sometimes one person may have something come up in their lives where they need a little more support. But it’s always balanced out with equal time being given to each other throughout the relationship.

I’m reminded of “Chosen Family.”

We can’t choose the family we’re born into. But we can choose the family that brings out the best in us, that supports us, and that allows us to be ourselves.

I found this instagram post this morning by elephantjournal that expands on this.

On Self-worth and burnout…

Reciprocity didn’t used to be so important to me. My worth used to be measured by how much I gave to others – at work, at home, with volunteering, and in my family and extended family – pretty much everywhere.
There’s a saying – “How we do one thing is how we do everything.” And I saw my pattern to run full steam ahead with my selfless acts in multiple areas. I took responsibility for situations that weren’t mine to begin with.
Then I burned out. I noticed certain relationships were tipping too far in one direction. I allowed my outdated core belief of “I don’t matter” to run the show. That belief had me take the backseat to my life, letting others get their needs met before me, often instead of me, and letting others take up space, which left me feeling isolated, empty, and resentful.

Reciprocity is NOT:

Over-giving and feeling resentment
Giving what we think we “should” (a word I’ve deleted from my vocabulary because “should” infers obligation, guilt and “have to” leaving us with zero choice)
Giving because it’s what’s always been done.

On boundaries…

I’m no longer willing to tolerate relationships that aren’t reciprocal. Where there’s only take and no give.
I’m no longer willing to be the only one to make the effort to repair any disconnect that may have happened, when in the end, the relationship was not reciprocal to begin with.

Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of nonviolent communication, talks about giving in the context of willingness in his poem, “The Hungry Duck.” This poem basically says that we want to give from a place of willingness, like that of a child feeding a hungry duck. Because when we’re giving from any other place (obligation, have-to, resentment), we and others will pay a price.

So, circling back to the first questions I asked.

What’s missing in your relationship(s)?
Where are you allowing yourself to settle for less than what you want?
Where are you settling for less than you deserve?
Where are you hiding parts of yourself to be loved, accepted or to keep the status quo?

And I’ll add, what’s it going to take for you to put your own needs and self-care on your list?

Wishing you the courage and strength to no longer settle, no longer accept the unacceptable, and to bring yourself into alignment with your most authentic self that honors your needs, your boundaries and your own self-care.

With love,

Chris

By Christine Gipple|2022-11-25T15:59:05-05:00November 25th, 2022|Uncategorized|0 Comments

Pretending, Avoidance & Addiction – 5 Questions to Navigate Change

It’s 2005. I’m sitting in circle with 15 women and the discussion is being led my long term mentor, Cheryl Richardson, who asks the question, “What are you pretending?” Each woman answers in turn. When it comes to me, my answer surprises me. I respond with, “I’m pretending that my life is OK when it isn’t.” Thirteen years and a 12-year old daughter later, my answer is similar. This time though, there’s a slight but significant variation with my response. This time, I’m not hiding in my discontent. This time I’m not hoping things around me will change. This time, I’m changing me.

Getting Unstuck…

How many times do you stay stuck in situations you don’t love? You tolerate them; you pray; you wish for the people or the situation to change; you hope someone will see your perspective; or you hope the other person will “step-up” to communicate with you in a way that fills your need for connection and attention. Then, when none of this happens, you stay in the same spiral of disconnect within yourself, ruminating over details and data, living in the same circumstances, wearing a façade of acceptance. Pretending.

When we choose to stay, in anything that’s less than what we desire or require, we must ask ourselves what we’re getting by not making the changes we know we need to make. We must acknowledge that we’re getting something or we wouldn’t do it. Some need is being met, some benefit is coming from our action or we wouldn’t continue with the same pattern or behavior.

So what are you getting by not changing what you know you need to change?

Do you get to avoid discomfort? Do you avoid exposure of a truth that’s too embarrassing for you, or that you think is too upsetting for others to hear? Or maybe you get to tell yourself, it’s for “the kids?” Let me clue you in. The kids know what’s going on anyway. You’re not sparing them any pain by staying in a situation you’d rather not be in. They see the upset, the disconnection, the hugs that aren’t happening, the conversations being avoided, the looks not being exchanged. Even if they’re little, they sense it energetically.

Perhaps you get to stay on auto-pilot. You get to do what’s familiar. You get to stay in your routines and habits which feels safer and more secure than changing. You get to avoid feeling pain. You get to numb out. You get to say you “have to” do whatever it is, and you continue to not think, not feel, not process what’s really happening around you. Maybe you get to not have to do the work in your relationships. Or maybe you get to hide in your addictions.

Addictions

Addictions show up in all of us, not just in those drawn to alcohol or drugs. We are addicted to alcohol, books, clutter, computer games, drugs, education, exercise, food, learning, Netflix, people, porn, sex, shopping, strategies, work, or even the recovery process. Our addictions allow us to numb out and avoid the pain we don’t want to feel.

The strategy is avoidance. The payoff is we get temporary relief by avoiding the pain of change.

What’s the cost of avoiding making the changes you need to make?

Costs of our Avoidance

Maybe it’s disconnection to those you really care about, drama, emotional pain and turmoil, physical pain in your body like arthritis, auto-immune disorders, colds, migraines, cancer or any multitude of other manifestations. Whether it’s ruminating negative thoughts that dominate your choices and behaviors, one thing is certain. We can be sure that our bodies will detox pain however they can. They’ll take us out when we need to reset – I’ve learned this first hand more than once. In physical form, unprocessed pain might come out as disease. Emotionally, unprocessed pain is likely to come out sideways through our toxic behaviors and patterns having the potential to destroy relationships. The question becomes, what are you willing to do about it?

Pain…

Here’s the deal. We all feel pain. We all feel sadness and despair at some point in our lives. No one is spared from pain or change.. Change is the one constant we can depend on.

Change can feel hard and scary and messy.

Change brings up anger, discomfort, discord, fear, resentment, and vulnerability. Even if you like change, it’s still awkward, especially when we don’t know what’s on the other side.

While I love ritual and routine, I also love freedom and spontaneity, so at times I feel in conflict with my own needs. In the past I’ve seen myself pass by opportunities out of fear, and I’ve jumped impulsively into a heartfelt YES without knowing where it was taking me. I’ve experienced situations where anything was better than were I was, so I jumped into the unknown trusting I’d be held in the uncertainty.

Life can be feel hard and impossible sometimes. These past few months, I’ve learned when I show up as vulnerable and real, unseen doors open that allow more growth and more healing. I’m learning to trust myself and speak my truths, even if it means people might leave, or not like me, and even if my words might land in someone else in a way I didn’t intend. How my words land isn’t my responsibility, how I deliver them is. I can only control my presence in which I offer myself.

You might be surprised at how others show up FOR you when you show up AS YOU.

My invitation to you is this: Stop pretending your life is ok if it isn’t. Speak your truth. Say what you feel. Ask for what you need. Take off your mask.

Action Challenge:

This week, take 5 minutes to close your eyes and ask yourself these five (5) questions.

Where are you hiding?
What are you pretending?
What’s one change you’d like to have made 3 months from now?
What’s one doable, small, achievable and realistic thing you can do this week, to take a step toward that change?
Are you willing to make this commitment to yourself? If so, when?

Did you like this article and challenge? Let me know what shifted as a result of this challenge or even just from reading this article. I love hearing from you. Email me here, or leave a message in the comments below.

Sending you so much love…

xo

Chris

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By Christine Gipple|2018-12-15T22:55:03-05:00December 15th, 2018|Uncategorized|3 Comments

Feelings & Needs, Part II – What’s driving your behavior?

How do you help someone when they’re out of touch with their own needs?

What if it’s your child, and they’re laying on the floor, with tears running down their face, and they’re so overwhelmed they can’t tell you what they need? Like it was for my daughter last weekend. How do you invite connection, intimacy and interaction?

As a parent to a highly sensitive child, it’s been a delicate dance of knowing when to ask questions, when to give space, and when to hold space. I know for me, when my daughter starts to get overwhelmed, I need to start looking at where I am. What am I feeling, what am I needing? How am I contributing to her own stress levels, if at all?

This where self-empathy comes in. In order to tune in to the needs of someone else, we have to do self-connection first.

When we’re meeting our own needs, we increase the capacity to hear others’ needs. I admit, it’s not always easy to pause, especially if we’re feeling stressed out, have too much on our plates, or are running on little sleep. Combine those factors with a highly sensitive person (HSP), and you have a recipe for disconnect and discord.

As I mentioned last week in Feelings and Needs, Part I, in our family dynamic, peaceful resolution to conflict is always the goal. Hearing the needs of everyone in the house is a priority. It’s our way of being. When I was growing up, the mindset of my parents was the kids were to be seen and not heard. We did what we were told, without invitation for conversation or discussion. Needs or Feelings weren’t considered, and I almost laugh when I think about what would’ve happened if I’d tried to express back then. I heard, “Do as I say, not as I do” more times than I can count. The silent message was, “Your needs don’t matter. Be quiet. Do what you’re told. Don’t ask questions, and if you have an opinion, keep it to yourself – you’re just a kid – I’M the parent.”

If you look at the logic of that, it doesn’t really make sense. When you think of a kid speaking their mind, what do you think of? I hear the saying, “Out of the mouths of babes…” – in other words, kids are uncensored, honest. They don’t filter what they say or how, and often they have incredible insight and wisdom. That’s a gift.

Consider this: When a need is met, it goes away.

When we can truly hear a person and connect to what’s going on for them, that’s often what they desire most – to be heard, to feel valued, to be seen. So when you consider the concept that all behavior is an attempt to fulfill a need, it makes sense to find the need under the behavior. Whether your child is curled up in a ball crying, or someone’s lashing out, screaming, or hurling things across the room, there’s a need underneath the behavior. Looking past the behavior to understand what’s driving it is key. That’s where the truth is. And where there’s truth, we can be vulnerable, connected, and move on.

However you’re celebrating this season, if you’re feeling obligated, stressed out, or like you can’t give anymore, press your own “Pause” button. Close your eyes. Take a breath. And ask yourself, “What do I most need?” If you can’t name the need, ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” And work your way to the need that’s driving your behavior. Find your way to your own truth.

The best gift you can give is your presence. You’ll feel happier, lighter, and so will the people around you.

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Much love and Merry Christmas,

Chris

xo

By Christine Gipple|2018-01-07T01:50:02-05:00December 25th, 2017|Uncategorized|0 Comments

Being tired is a Choice: Shift from exhausted to energetic :)

Happy Sunday!

For the past 5 days, we hosted two girls from The Young Americans (YA) while our daughter did her first YA workshop. We chose to be a “home-stay” family (aka host) in hopes it would do two things – deepen the experience for my daughter, making her feel more comfortable trying something new, and support a great community. It did those things.

We also became very attached to *our* YA girls, Sasha and Moriah. 😉 This morning, I felt like I was sending my own children off to college as they loaded the tour bus for their next stop. Which I suppose I was – The YA school of performing arts is based in California where both the girls attend and live.

When I asked the girls how they keep their energy high on tour, Sasha laughed and said, “Well, sometimes coffee”, then added, “The way I see it is, being tired is a choice.” They also added that when we think we’re tired, sometimes it’s important to push through it and get to that edge, to go beyond where you think you can go.

Doing what we think we can’t takes courage.

How often do we stop doing something because we feel tired, or because something feels “too hard”? I know for me, I’ll procrastinate, telling myself a story that I either don’t know how to do something, it’ll take too long, or I don’t have what I need to complete it, etc. Then I waste mental energy ruminating over details in my head, making myself “tired”.

Truth is, if I simply DO that one thing that I think I “can’t”, or that I tell myself I’m not ready to do, it opens up a whole other level of energy.

Without knowing it, Sasha & Moriah gifted me this morning. They reminded me time is energy. And energy can be a feeling. A belief. A choice. Granted, I’m not advocating to push past healthy boundaries, where we ignore our need for sleep, rest and rejuvenation. I am saying sometimes we give up too soon. We tell ourselves we can’t do something, when in fact, we may not even try. Maybe we *could* accomplish it – if we chose to try.

Next time you feel tired, ask yourself what’s underneath that mindset. Do you really need sleep or rest, or is there some action you need to take, or some small step you could complete that would boost your energy?

I’d be remiss if I didn’t share our experience with YA. If you know children that love music and performing, definitely check out a YA workshop. There are still a couple stops left on this tour. After that, the next tour is in 3 years.

Sending a big hug to you on this gorgeous November day,

Chris

xo

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By Christine Gipple|2018-01-07T02:01:41-05:00November 12th, 2017|Uncategorized|0 Comments

How fiberglass curtains and salsa reminded me to choose peace

Last night my daughter had a sleepover. As parents, we believe in giving children choice, permission, and freedom. We trust that with our guidance and their intuition, they’ll make wise choices that’ll give them the best learning experiences.

So when I went into the living room after the girls were all set in her room for the night, what I found surprised me.

On the wooden ledge of the futon, there was a soaking wet Handi-Wipe filled with Salsa rolled up in a ball. As I started moving pillows and blankets, I noticed a huge wet spot under one of the blankets where salsa was cleaned up, along with a few straggler chips.

I was annoyed. She knows better. Wood ledges – water drenches wood and warps it. She knows this. Food was left out in the kitchen.

As I reminded her of these things, after walking in her room with the Handi-Wipe evidenced full of salsa, she cowered, apologized. She’d tried to clean it up the best she could. She felt bad. Still, I reminded her of what I knew she was already told – water ruins wood and it’s important to clean up messes – when they happen.

Her dad stood by and listened and I saw something in his eyes that I was missing. “She tried”, he said. And she did. She’s 10.

I immediately was catapulted back to my Fairview kitchen and was 10 years old. I’d been in school all day and couldn’t wait to get home to remove my intensely itchy white uniform shirt. I didn’t know what was wrong, but all day it was burning and itching against my skin. As I stood by the washing machine in our kitchen – scratching, red, and in tears – my older brother walked in and asked me what was wrong. As I shared my day and told him about my shirt, I shared how I’d washed my shirts with our living room curtains the day before.

The living room curtains were made of fiberglass.

Ouch.

I’ll never forget his reaction – it was like, “Duh! You don’t wash fiberglass curtains with anything!

What did I know? I was 10. I just needed clean shirts for school. Why not multi-task? Yes, even at 10, I was like this.

Last night, I saw myself in my daughter’s actions. She was given the freedom to choose and she did what she thought was best. She’d cleaned up the spilled salsa and just forgot to move the rag and the wet blanket.

I was reminded of how little she is. I was reminded how delicate each learning experience can be. And how our experiences can often imprint on us for years to come.

I stopped to snuggle her, share the curtain story, and assure her I know she did her best – because she did. I hesitated because she had a friend sleeping over – but this is what we do – talk and snuggle it out.

So the next time your child does something that triggers you, I invite you to remember how little they are, and how often they’re coming from their best place of experience as they know it. They look to us for guidance on how to handle situations.

We’re not perfect. But we can create perfect relationships for us and our families, through empathy and seeing things through another set of eyes.

We just have to be willing to see.

How about you? Is there a place you need to soften? A place where you and your family could benefit from seeing something a little differently?

I’d love to hear your experiences! Share your comments below and if you liked this article, please share it!

xo

By Christine Gipple|2017-04-22T19:37:35-04:00June 18th, 2016|Lifestyle, Parenting|0 Comments