writing Archives - Life Coaching by Christine Gipple

Pretending, Avoidance & Addiction – 5 Questions to Navigate Change

It’s 2005. I’m sitting in circle with 15 women and the discussion is being led my long term mentor, Cheryl Richardson, who asks the question, “What are you pretending?” Each woman answers in turn. When it comes to me, my answer surprises me. I respond with, “I’m pretending that my life is OK when it isn’t.” Thirteen years and a 12-year old daughter later, my answer is similar. This time though, there’s a slight but significant variation with my response. This time, I’m not hiding in my discontent. This time I’m not hoping things around me will change. This time, I’m changing me.

Getting Unstuck…

How many times do you stay stuck in situations you don’t love? You tolerate them; you pray; you wish for the people or the situation to change; you hope someone will see your perspective; or you hope the other person will “step-up” to communicate with you in a way that fills your need for connection and attention. Then, when none of this happens, you stay in the same spiral of disconnect within yourself, ruminating over details and data, living in the same circumstances, wearing a façade of acceptance. Pretending.

When we choose to stay, in anything that’s less than what we desire or require, we must ask ourselves what we’re getting by not making the changes we know we need to make. We must acknowledge that we’re getting something or we wouldn’t do it. Some need is being met, some benefit is coming from our action or we wouldn’t continue with the same pattern or behavior.

So what are you getting by not changing what you know you need to change?

Do you get to avoid discomfort? Do you avoid exposure of a truth that’s too embarrassing for you, or that you think is too upsetting for others to hear? Or maybe you get to tell yourself, it’s for “the kids?” Let me clue you in. The kids know what’s going on anyway. You’re not sparing them any pain by staying in a situation you’d rather not be in. They see the upset, the disconnection, the hugs that aren’t happening, the conversations being avoided, the looks not being exchanged. Even if they’re little, they sense it energetically.

Perhaps you get to stay on auto-pilot. You get to do what’s familiar. You get to stay in your routines and habits which feels safer and more secure than changing. You get to avoid feeling pain. You get to numb out. You get to say you “have to” do whatever it is, and you continue to not think, not feel, not process what’s really happening around you. Maybe you get to not have to do the work in your relationships. Or maybe you get to hide in your addictions.

Addictions

Addictions show up in all of us, not just in those drawn to alcohol or drugs. We are addicted to alcohol, books, clutter, computer games, drugs, education, exercise, food, learning, Netflix, people, porn, sex, shopping, strategies, work, or even the recovery process. Our addictions allow us to numb out and avoid the pain we don’t want to feel.

The strategy is avoidance. The payoff is we get temporary relief by avoiding the pain of change.

What’s the cost of avoiding making the changes you need to make?

Costs of our Avoidance

Maybe it’s disconnection to those you really care about, drama, emotional pain and turmoil, physical pain in your body like arthritis, auto-immune disorders, colds, migraines, cancer or any multitude of other manifestations. Whether it’s ruminating negative thoughts that dominate your choices and behaviors, one thing is certain. We can be sure that our bodies will detox pain however they can. They’ll take us out when we need to reset – I’ve learned this first hand more than once. In physical form, unprocessed pain might come out as disease. Emotionally, unprocessed pain is likely to come out sideways through our toxic behaviors and patterns having the potential to destroy relationships. The question becomes, what are you willing to do about it?

Pain…

Here’s the deal. We all feel pain. We all feel sadness and despair at some point in our lives. No one is spared from pain or change.. Change is the one constant we can depend on.

Change can feel hard and scary and messy.

Change brings up anger, discomfort, discord, fear, resentment, and vulnerability. Even if you like change, it’s still awkward, especially when we don’t know what’s on the other side.

While I love ritual and routine, I also love freedom and spontaneity, so at times I feel in conflict with my own needs. In the past I’ve seen myself pass by opportunities out of fear, and I’ve jumped impulsively into a heartfelt YES without knowing where it was taking me. I’ve experienced situations where anything was better than were I was, so I jumped into the unknown trusting I’d be held in the uncertainty.

Life can be feel hard and impossible sometimes. These past few months, I’ve learned when I show up as vulnerable and real, unseen doors open that allow more growth and more healing. I’m learning to trust myself and speak my truths, even if it means people might leave, or not like me, and even if my words might land in someone else in a way I didn’t intend. How my words land isn’t my responsibility, how I deliver them is. I can only control my presence in which I offer myself.

You might be surprised at how others show up FOR you when you show up AS YOU.

My invitation to you is this: Stop pretending your life is ok if it isn’t. Speak your truth. Say what you feel. Ask for what you need. Take off your mask.

Action Challenge:

This week, take 5 minutes to close your eyes and ask yourself these five (5) questions.

Where are you hiding?
What are you pretending?
What’s one change you’d like to have made 3 months from now?
What’s one doable, small, achievable and realistic thing you can do this week, to take a step toward that change?
Are you willing to make this commitment to yourself? If so, when?

Did you like this article and challenge? Let me know what shifted as a result of this challenge or even just from reading this article. I love hearing from you. Email me here, or leave a message in the comments below.

Sending you so much love…

Chris

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Why I’m doing a [ONE-YEAR BAN] on buying books or courses (and creating a Little Free Library)

Though I live simply, I’ve had one vice that’s been strong since my 20’s – buying books. When our family of three moved into our current home in 2009, we came with 23 bookcases – some 4’x8’, some 3’x6’, some smaller – but all filled. Some had albums in them, yes, albums, but mostly books. As my daughter has grown, so has our book collection. I wish I’d counted all the books I’ve released since then, but I’m certain it’s in the 1000’s. Yet, I’ve also continued to buy books.

One of the surviving bookcases is housed in my dining room, and I’m in the process of redoing it. By redoing, I mean re-evaluating what’s there, moving things out, creating space for what I want more of in the next 12 months. Writing is one of those things. Since my bookcase falls in the creativity section of my dining room in feng shui, it’s critical to be clear and deliberate with what’s here…if I want to manifest my desire to write more. For me, this is an area that continues to get jammed up.

While I was creating a “writing section” in one area of this bookcase, it was easy to see nothing was moving in until something else moved out.

I’d done it again.

I’d pushed aside a big vision and filled it with lots of tiny obstacles.

Things. Stuff. Obstacles to space.

I stopped the process and just sat down where I was. I started to write to get clarity on my next steps. I didn’t want to just move books around and “make room”. I needed a new way of being.

This new way of being resulted in declaring a one-year book buying ban. To hold myself accountable and to document it, I’m sharing my journey, with the hope this adds some value to you, and you can benefit from my process.

My intention for the ban is to use the resources I have. If I’m tempted to buy something, I’ll shop from my shelves. Even though Amazon Prime and I are tight – you know, on a first name basis kind of thing – I could create my own amazon.

Instead of recreating my own Amazon, I’ve decided to create a “Little Free Library”. Have you seen them? They’re those adorable little “mini-tree-house-looking” wood houses that hold books. You place it on your property and wa-lah, instant library! I’ve been wanting to do this for years, and never made time for it. While I’m just starting the research on it, I’m super excited to start! I’m seeing them popping up all over locally and I love them. More on this soon!

Lastly, in addition to the book ban, I’m also declaring a one-year ban on buying courses – online or otherwise. (Only exception is additional coaching certifications already on my radar and accounted for.) I began 2017 committed to 3 trainings, and through the year, I’ve added at least 7 others that I can recall. Everything looks good to me. I have this insatiable appetite for learning and growing. But right now, I’m letting what I know and what I have be “Enough”.

In our world of consumerism, of always looking for the next biggest thing, it’s easy to fall prey to having too much. Also, in a world where there’s so many struggling to eat, or pay their mortgage, or find a job, having “too much” feels far too wasteful to me.

Look for updated posts on the Little Free Library and updates on the bans!

Like this article, or find value? Share it with those who’ll benefit from it.

See you soon!

Chris