What to do when doing the *Right Thing* feels hard

First, Happy Mother’s Day!

Second, I want to share a story from yesterday when it was really challenging to do the “right” thing. And at the end I’ll share my process for making choices in the moment when I feel challenged.

I don’t like to look at things from a right/wrong perspective. Instead, I choose to see things from a lens of what is aligned with my values and what isn’t.

Yesterday, it took all of my focus to reframe a situation – as it was happening – when a driver did something that was way out of integrity with my values. In the moment, I felt like I couldn’t do anything about it.

If you prefer to listen to this story, click below. It’s in 2 parts because I didn’t figure out how to combine them – yet! 😉

​Part 1 is here – 7min listen​.

​Part 2 is here – 5 min listen​.

We were leaving the college campus after my 18 yr old’s graduation. She entered the college at 15 as a high school student (proud homeschooling mama moment).

The parking lot looked like a Taylor Swift concert. When we finally got on the main road out, this black shiny Honda with blacked out windows was trying to get in front of my husband (husband was driving).

I don’t know about you, but I drive with the unspoken car etiquette that when in traffic, we let the car in front of us in, then we go, then the car behind us lets a car in and they go, etc…

Well, after my husband lets the car in front of us in, Mr. Honda wants to move in, too. So my husband moves up a tad in the still jammed lane.

But then Mr. Honda gets close enough to the car in front of him that he taps the bumper of it. Lightly. But still makes contact.

As soon as I see that, and my husband again starts to inch forward, I’m telling him to STOP because #1) it’s clear to me this guy doesn’t give a shit if he hits our car or not, and #2) it’s not worth getting into an altercation or accident over this. 

After much persuasion (and we had time to talk because, again, the lot was like a Swiftie concert), my husband lets the car in.

Mr Honda then rolls down his blacked out windows and makes direct eye contact with both of us in his mirror. He’s smiling, laughing and gesturing with his hands as if to say, “Haha – I got you. I got what I wanted” as his rap music blared from his souped up Honda Civic. That’s the nice version. He was probably saying something totally different!

What I didn’t know until we got home was that this punk (yes, I have total judgment) had rolled down his window and made faces and hand gestures to my husband while we were in the parking lot. But I didn’t see it because I was looking at my husband and trying to convince him to let it go, and let the guy in front of us. 

My husband left that part out, in the moment. And it’s probably a good thing he did, as I may have gotten out of my car and wanted to “educate” this young punk, and this story might’ve had a different ending.

Through his own rage, my husband was just trying to “do the right thing.”

This brought up a conversation around how difficult it can feel to do the *right thing* when others are acting in ways that are so out of alignment with our values.

We want to react. We want them to see how their actions aren’t showing respect or consideration for others. And tell them how their actions are impacting us. Or we want to scream at them to “Just just do the *right* fu#%ing thing!”

We realized it can seem like we don’t have another choice in these situations, or like we have to give up our values in order to do what’s right.

However, being “right” is subjective, so we have to find *our* right. We have to know what matters to us, and what feels important. And if we want any kind of connection with others, we want to find out what matters to them as well.

Questions to ask yourself when presented with a challenge like this:

  1. How would your 2-hours-later-version-of-you handle this?
  2. What matters most to you in this moment?

If something like this happens to you, I suggest you tune in to what matters to you in that moment. What would the 2-hours-later-version-of-you wish you’d done or said?

For me, I was concerned for our safety. I hadn’t seen the driver, so I didn’t know who was behind the wheel. Though, I’ll be honest, I expected it to be some young punk like it was (total judgment). But I was also thinking I don’t want the hassle of dealing with an “accident” if this turns into an altercation.

We’d just gotten our new car after replacing it with a previous new car that was totaled 6 days after we got it when a guy ran an intersection. I’m still dealing with the details of that.

So, I also valued my time and didn’t want to waste any more energy resulting from some kid that had zero respect for others.

My husband also wanted respect, and was feeling furious that he was having to step down and stay quiet because speaking up could cause a major issue. And I get it. He wanted to express his rage. So, on the way home I invited him to let the jackals run (In nonviolent communication we refer to our judgments as jackals since they’re judgy, critical and condemning).

My daughter, now frustrated with both of us for continuing our jackal show said, “Omg are you done yet?!”

But no, we weren’t. We were still processing and expressing.

I’ll end this by asking a question and offer a suggestion. Can you relate to this? 

What have you done in this kind of situation, and what do you wish you would have done? And what would the 2-hours-later-version-of-you have done if they would’ve connected to what was most important to them in that moment?

THAT’s the place I want to respond from. The place where I’m connecting to what matters most to me, so I know I’m in integrity with my values, with each choice I make.

Hope this helps you tune into what’s in alignment with you. It reminded me how I want to show up in the world. And it’s not like that little punk! Yes, I’m still in judgment. 😉

Would love to hear what comes up for you in reading or listening to this. Simply click reply and let me know!

PS- Photo credit is from johnhain.com

By |2024-05-12T16:35:39-04:00May 12th, 2024|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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Mastering Discernment: Navigating life’s choices with clarity and wisdom

It’s common for us to judge. As humans, we’re wired to want to make sense of situations, which involves making judgments. We judge ourselves, others, and the world at large. However, our judgments are often unconscious and can come across as blame, shame or attack. Our judgments can be swift and harsh when we’re not paying attention. 

Discernment, on the other hand, allows for conscious and careful consideration of a situation. Like the scales pictured above, discernment allows us to gather data, weigh our options, and make informed choices. For example, when we’re deciding what to say, what to do, what to keep, what to let go of, or even whether to stay in a relationship or not, we need discernment.

This article explores seven (7) ways to infuse discernment into your daily practices so you can live a more intentional life.

The 7 Steps

Here’s the short or TLDR version (Too Long Didn’t Read)

  1. Practice Pausing
  2. Elicit Self-Trust
  3. Cultivate Self-Awareness
  4. Learn through Reflection
  5. Embody Empathy
  6. Find Shared Values (Values = Needs = What Matters Most)
  7. Listen Actively + Express Honestly

Longer version ↓ for how to apply each step ♥

Step 1.  Practice Pausing

  • When you’re making a choice and it’s not an absolute yes, pause. If there’s doubt, it’s a NO in this moment. You might need more information, or just time to process the info you do have before choosing. Give yourself time to sit in the space of no longer and not yet. For example, when a situation changes, it’s no longer what it used to be, and it’s also not yet what it will become. This can feel messy.
  • Discernment requires space to ponder, especially when it comes to life’s bigger decisions like a job change, a move, choosing a college or leaving a marriage. Without discernment, you might make impulsive decisions that you regret. Pausing creates space for you to feel your emotions coming up around the choice. Pausing takes you off of autopilot and brings you back into your body. If you want to make choices that align with your values, pausing is an essential step to creating that clarity.
  • However, when pondering becomes rumination, it may be time to act. For me, if I’m ruminating, I’m starting to do overthink and obsess, which takes more energy and mental space than I want. Rumination tells me it’s time to trust, to decide, and to let the outcome be what it will.

Step 2. Elicit Self-Trust

  • Trust that whatever the outcome of your choice, you (and those impacted by your choice) can handle it. It may not be “perfect.” Perfection doesn’t exist. Maybe you’ll say something that you wish you could take back or you’ll do something that you later regret. That’s ok. Even in those choices, there will be growth. You’ll learn something that you didn’t know prior, and this allows you to evolve. You’ll gain wisdom, and the next time you’re making a similar choice, it’s likely you’ll choose slightly differently, if you’re paying attention. Which brings us to number three. Self-Awareness.

Step 3. Cultivate Self-Awareness

  • Without awareness, our judgements and assessments of others cause us to project onto others. We blame, don’t do our own internal work, and we may walk around on autopilot, making assumptions about why others did what they did, without having any facts to truly back it up.
  • Instead of judging ourselves and others unconsciously, make it a point to notice your judgments when they come up. This takes practice.
  • Each time you hear yourself making a judgment of yourself or someone else, you could pause and say to yourself, “This is me making a judgment. I’m telling myself ________”, and fill in the blank with whatever story or narrative that you believe in the moment. Challenge these thoughts by asking if this is true, or if it’s just the story you’ve been telling yourself. It may or may not be true. What data do you have that has you making this judgment? Is it an old story that you’ve been carrying around? Discernment allows us to carefully weigh data objectively without our own personal bias.
  • Unexamined judgments are unconscious biases formed when we were too young to know what was happening. Our job as consciously evolving adult humans is to do our inner work so we’re not projecting our inner wounds onto those around us.

Step 4. Learn through Reflection

  • To get to the place of wisdom, where “When you know better, you do better” (thank you Maya Angelou), you must reflect on what worked and what didn’t. Reflecting allows us to pivot when needed because we’ve assessed something objectively. To develop your own reflective practice, you could journal, meditate, keep notes on your phone, or talk into a recorder if journaling isn’t your thing. Whatever will support you in gaining clarity about what worked and what didn’t is what you’re looking for.
  • Therapy and coaching are also excellent tools to support inner work. Therapy is helpful to explore and manage emotions. Coaching takes it a step further and holds you accountable to the changes you say you want to make. It allows you to create an intentional destination vs. a habitual one.
  • Two questions to play with: 1) When things worked out the way you hoped, reflect and ask yourself, “In this situation, what went the way I wanted, and what choices did I make that supported that outcome?” 2) For things that didn’t work out the way you wanted, ask yourself the same question above, and then add, “In this situation, what choices did I make that, next time, I’ll do differently?” Allowing space for reflection invites more aligned choices in your future.

Step 5. Embody Empathy

  • Discernment goes hand in hand with empathy. Take time to consider the person or situation you’re judging. If you’re judging yourself, did you make the best choice you could with the information you had? Can you give yourself some grace? If you’re judging another, are you able to imagine what you might have done in their shoes? Or how they might be feeling about the situation? Examine how your own preconceived ideas or biases are contributing to your judgment. Embodying empathy allows for compassion and kindness. The kinder we are to ourselves, the better able we are to make self-honoring choices instead of self-sabotaging ones.

Step 6. Find Shared Values (Needs/What matters to you)

  • When you’re judging, look for places where your core values intersect with another. It’s in these intersections that we’re more inclined, and more willing, to collaborate with others. Finding shared values is deeply connected to empathy. You might find it challenging to recognize someone else’s needs or values if you aren’t able to empathize with them.
  • However, when we are able to uncover our similarities and connect to the motivation (their need) beneath another’s behavior, it’s easier to see the humanity of another, vs. the label that we’ve cast upon them.
  • Releasing the label releases the judgment, and allows us to make clearer decisions from a conscious, discerning place.

Step 7. Listen Actively + Express Honestly

  • Listening to others is nuanced. We all have our biases, so when we’re in judgment, it’s tough to truly hear another person. In fact, it’s close to impossible. If we can’t hear them, how can we make discerning choices that honor both of us? Active listening involves coming into a conversation clean, without an agenda to fix, heal, change or have the other person do anything differently.
  • Alongside listening is expressing ourselves honestly. To do this, it’s helpful to know what activates us, or what sets us off.  It’s even better when we’re aware where that comes from. Louise Hay used to say, “you can’t clean the house if you can’t see the dirt.” In other words, we can’t fix or change something if we refuse to look at it.
  • Hearing yourself is also an art. Sometimes, the voices inside our own heads are not our own. Old tapes played from family members, authority figures, or some other internal critical voice might override our own, drowning out our intuition.
  • Learning to listen to your own voice is critical to making discerning choices that align with your I’ve made many choices where I ignored my intuition, and each time, it’s been a massive growth opportunity, or AFGO (another fucking growth opportunity!). Just a few years ago I had back surgery. Walking into the hospital, I had an intuitive hit that told me not to have the surgery. I ignored my intuition to pause; I wasn’t an absolute yes. But I didn’t let myself pause and I had the surgery. And it’s been AFGO, which is a story for another time.

A final note about judgment. Judgment isn’t right or wrong, good, or bad. It just is. We’re human. We judge. It’s when we go through life judging without our own internal examination to see where our judgments are coming from that creates external havoc. We can’t change what we don’t want to see. (think of Louise Hay with the dirt). Being aware of our judgment is the best way to shift our judgment.

In conclusion, when you practice discernment in these areas, you deepen the connections with yourself and those around you. When you’re discerning in your choices, you’re living an intentional life. Living an intentional life enables you to set clear boundaries, do what you love, and have fewer regrets.

Here’s to operating from a place of internal alignment, where we’ll cultivate gratifying relationships that nourish us, which in turn allow us to serve others in a more impactful way.

A discerning life creates a more intentional life.

May 2024 be intentional and filled with all that matter to you!

Love,

Chris

Additional Resources:

Watch on YouTube:  Taylor Swift’s 2022 Commencement address to NYU graduates, where she discusses life choices and practicing discernment. 28m4s watch. It’s well worth watching!

Listen on YouTube: Alanis Morissette’s song, Tapes (about critical inner voices / self-judgment)

Read lyrics to Alanis’s Tapes.

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By |2024-01-04T19:22:59-05:00January 1st, 2024|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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How to Build Trust and Intimacy In Relationships – A TED Talk to Share

I heard this TED talk with Louise Evans a while back, and when it came to me a 2nd time, I had to share it with you!

This reminded me of an exercise from nonviolent communication (NVC for short), called, “The Four Ears.”

Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of NVC, says we have four options for receiving negative messages, and they are:

  1. We judge ourselves.
  2. We judge others.
  3. We empathize with ourselves.
  4. We empathize with others.

Our response largely depends on how we hear and interpret these messages.

In other words, our response will depend on what we’re making the situation mean – about ourselves, others, or the world. 

So, depending on how we interpret something, we potentially create calm or chaos.

It’s our choice.  But it’s often an unconscious one.

Louise says, “in every moment, we’re making choices about our behaviors that we’re bringing into the world.”  And, she shares a step we can take before reacting that supports us in making those choices consciously.

In this TED Talk of “The 5 Chairs”, Louise calls this step, WAIT. It’s the transition step between judgment and empathy where she invites us to ask ourselves, “What Am I Thinking?”, before we react.

How many times has something happened and we immediately go to judgment, and we react, based on our own perception of what we just heard or saw?

And, how many times is our perception off, and we jump to a conclusion that isn’t even true?

This is the power of the Pause.

I love how she reminds herself to hang on for a second, noting that she needs more data because she doesn’t have all the puzzle pieces yet. She consciously decides to check the meaning making in her head against what’s really in front of her.

When we pause here, we allow ourselves to consider, just for that brief moment, what else might be going on, besides the story we’re telling ourselves.

  • Pausing gives us space to mindfully choose our next step.
  • Pausing gives us time to carefully respond, instead of instantly react.
  • Pausing gives us clarity because we’re checking in with our own internal dialogue.

If you find that you’re reacting more than you’d like in your relationships, whether it’s at home, at work, in your family dynamics, with your partner or children, you’re not alone.

See if you can integrate WAIT before reacting.

Ask yourself what you are thinking.

Ask yourself what you’re making this situation mean, and if it’s even true.

See if you need more information before you respond.

And then, watch your relationships begin to shift.

Because they will shift!

When you Pause to ask yourself what you are thinking, what you are making this mean, and what story you’re telling yourself, you then have the opportunity to check it out with the other person to see if any of that was even true.

If you’re feeling confused and needing clarity around your best next move, here’s a few bonus questions to support you in seeing if your actions are aligned with your values:

  • What’s important here?
  • What matters most to me?
  • What do I want?
  • What do I need?

Connecting to our needs and values FIRST allows us to make conscious choices that will bring us closer to our desires.

Drop me a line. I’d love to know how this impacts you!

Wishing you love and connection,

Chris

P.S.  I also loved the cost of “being right” (8m22 into video). See if you can relate. I know I could see a previous version of myself where my detail oriented perfectionist ran the show. 😉

By |2023-02-24T23:57:09-05:00February 24th, 2023|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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Pretending, Avoidance & Addiction – 5 Questions to Navigate Change

It’s 2005.  I’m sitting in circle with 15 women and the discussion is being led my long term mentor, Cheryl Richardson, who asks the question, “What are you pretending?”  Each woman answers in turn.  When it comes to me, my answer surprises me.   I respond with, “I’m pretending that my life is OK when it isn’t.”     Thirteen years and a 12-year old daughter later, my answer is similar.  This time though, there’s a slight but significant variation with my response.  This time, I’m not hiding in my discontent.  This time I’m not hoping things around me will change.   This time, I’m changing me.

Getting Unstuck…

How many times do you stay stuck in situations you don’t love?   You tolerate them; you pray; you wish for the people or the situation to change; you hope someone will see your perspective; or you hope the other person will “step-up” to communicate with you in a way that fills your need for connection and attention.  Then, when none of this happens, you stay in the same spiral of disconnect within yourself, ruminating over details and data, living in the same circumstances, wearing a façade of acceptance.  Pretending.

When we choose to stay, in anything that’s less than what we desire or require, we must ask ourselves what we’re getting by not making the changes we know we need to make.  We must acknowledge that we’re getting something or we wouldn’t do it.  Some need is being met, some benefit is coming from our action or we wouldn’t continue with the same pattern or behavior.

So what are you getting by not changing what you know you need to change?

Do you get to avoid discomfort?  Do you avoid exposure of a truth that’s too embarrassing for you, or that you think is too upsetting for others to hear?   Or maybe you get to tell yourself, it’s for “the kids?”  Let me clue you in.  The kids know what’s going on anyway. You’re not sparing them any pain by staying in a situation you’d rather not be in.   They see the upset, the disconnection, the hugs that aren’t happening, the conversations being avoided, the looks not being exchanged.  Even if they’re little, they sense it energetically.

Perhaps you get to stay on auto-pilot.  You get to do what’s familiar. You get to stay in your routines and habits which feels safer and more secure than changing.   You get to avoid feeling pain.  You get to numb out.   You get to say you “have to” do whatever it is, and you continue to not think, not feel, not process what’s really happening around you.   Maybe you get to not have to do the work in your relationships.  Or maybe you get to hide in your addictions.

Addictions

Addictions show up in all of us, not just in those drawn to alcohol or drugs.   We are addicted to alcohol, books, clutter, computer games, drugs, education, exercise, food, learning, Netflix, people, porn, sex, shopping, strategies, work, or even the recovery process.  Our addictions allow us to numb out and avoid the pain we don’t want to feel.

The strategy is avoidance.  The payoff is we get temporary relief by avoiding the pain of change.

What’s the cost of avoiding making the changes you need to make?

Costs of our Avoidance

Maybe it’s disconnection to those you really care about, drama, emotional pain and turmoil, physical pain in your body like arthritis, auto-immune disorders, colds, migraines, cancer or any multitude of other manifestations.   Whether it’s ruminating negative thoughts that dominate your choices and behaviors, one thing is certain.   We can be sure that our bodies will detox pain however they can.  They’ll take us out when we need to reset – I’ve learned this first hand more than once.  In physical form, unprocessed pain might come out as disease.  Emotionally, unprocessed pain is likely to come out sideways through our toxic behaviors and patterns having the potential to destroy relationships.  The question becomes, what are you willing to do about it?

Pain…

Here’s the deal.   We all feel pain.  We all feel sadness and despair at some point in our lives.   No one is spared from pain or change..  Change is the one constant we can depend on.

Change can feel hard and scary and messy.

Change brings up anger, discomfort, discord, fear, resentment, and vulnerability.   Even if you like change, it’s still awkward, especially when we don’t know what’s on the other side.

While I love ritual and routine, I also love freedom and spontaneity, so at times I feel in conflict with my own needs.  In the past I’ve seen myself pass by opportunities out of fear, and I’ve jumped impulsively into a heartfelt YES without knowing where it was taking me.  I’ve experienced situations where anything was better than were I was, so I jumped into the unknown trusting I’d be held in the uncertainty.

Life can be feel hard and impossible sometimes.  These past few months, I’ve learned when I show up as vulnerable and real, unseen doors open that allow more growth and more healing.  I’m learning to trust myself and speak my truths, even if it means people might leave, or not like me, and even if my words might land in someone else in a way I didn’t intend.  How my words land isn’t my responsibility, how I deliver them is.  I can only control my presence in which I offer myself.

You might be surprised at how others show up FOR you when you show up AS YOU.

My invitation to you is this:    Stop pretending your life is ok if it isn’t.  Speak your truth.  Say what you feel.   Ask for what you need.  Take off your mask.

Action Challenge:

This week, take 5 minutes to close your eyes and ask yourself these five (5) questions.

  1. Where are you hiding?
  2. What are you pretending?
  3. What’s one change you’d like to have made 3 months from now?
  4. What’s one doable, small, achievable and realistic thing you can do this week, to take a step toward that change?
  5. Are you willing to make this commitment to yourself? If so, when?

Did you like this article and challenge?   Let me know what shifted as a result of this challenge or even just from reading this article.  I love hearing from you.  Email me here, or leave a message in the comments below.

Sending you so much love…

xo

Chris

Sharing is caring!  If you know someone who would love this article, please share it with them.  🙂

Want to stay connected?   Join my community of change makers here.

By |2018-12-15T22:55:03-05:00December 15th, 2018|Uncategorized|3 Comments
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Feelings & Needs – Part I [PLUS: FREE RESOURCE]

What if I said it’s possible not only to get your needs met, but to also meet the needs and desires of those around you, without sacrificing your own values or desires?  Would you think it’s possible?  Would you want some insight as to how?

Here’s the thing.  We all want connection.  We all want to be heard, to feel valued, to know we matter, and be seen.  The essence of Non-violent communication (NVC) is peaceful resolution to conflict.  It’s understanding that we all have needs, and all human needs are universal.

FACT:  Every action we take, and every choice we make is an attempt to fulfill a need. 

Let me repeat that….. E V E R Y    A C T I O N we take, and every choice we make is an attempt to meet a need.

So wouldn’t it make sense that in order to get our needs met, it’s essential to first name what they are?  It sounds simple, but if you’re not accustomed to tuning in, to checking in with your body, with your emotions, with your own desires FIRST, it can feel impossible to name the actual need under your behavior or action.  The link I’m sharing has 3 FREE lists: feelings, needs, and body sensations.  It’s available for free download here.  Once you click on the link, you can choose which list you want to download, or download all three.  You can use these lists to help you connect to what’s going on inside you when you’re having difficulty naming the emotion or need.  If you’d like to take it a step further, check out this feelings and needs card deck.  When you click on the link, it’s the very first option shown.  Consider these new tools for your Life Toolbox.  (Disclaimer:  I’m not an affiliate for NVC. While I do teach, live and practice this way of living, I’m simply sharing this resource.  I was introduced to NVC more than a decade ago, and it was a game changer in the way our family interacted and how I approached life in general.)

WHEN we use the Feelings & Needs Card Deck:

  • When meltdowns feel imminent
  • If we miss the intuitive hits and meltdowns happen, these cards are a great way to connect from a place of love, of true desire to connect in a way that all needs are considered and valued.
  • As a way to connect to what’s going on inside you when you’re having difficulty naming the need
  • If one of us is feeling really off, tense, or irritable and unable to communicate.
  • Or if we desire deeper connection and want to enrich our experience with one another.

HOW we use the Feelings & Needs Card Deck:

We’ll simply lay out the cards, feelings first, and we’ll each pick our cards, in silence.  When we have all our cards, we then remove that deck, and lay the other cards, the needs.   We choose what’s most alive for us from this deck, again in silence, and then one person chooses to share first.  While one person is sharing, we listen with silent empathy.  We simply witness and listen to what’s being said.  Note:  This is just ONE way we use the cards, not “the only” way to use them.  😉  (Once, when I was overwhelmed with a lot of emotional attachment and charge, I used the cards to help me get clarity in writing someone a letter.)

If something is burning inside us and we’d like to respond, we ask permission.  We don’t shout out our thoughts or project our reactions when someone else is sharing.  We share with reflective listening.

Clarifying questions can be helpful to encourage someone to tune in deeper to what they need, but I encourage you to be clear of your intentions and agendas before asking questions.   This isn’t for us to fix, diagnose, or decide for anyone else.

Are you thinking, “this is too much work!”?

I’ll admit that in the moment, it does take more time, energy, patience, and willingness.   And…In the long run, it saves time, energy, patience and creates more willingness, because this practice of tuning in creates space for everyone to feel heard, which sometimes is all we need to be able to move forward in our day or life..

May you find peace, happiness, health and all of life’s blessings this holiday season.

With love,

Chris

P.S.  If you’d like to follow my blog and receive my newsletter on simplifying, letting go and creating more ease, you can do that here .

 

By |2018-01-07T01:57:48-05:00December 17th, 2017|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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[Stop Crossing Your Own Line!] Are you staying when you need to leave?

Are you staying in a job, relationship, or situation you should’ve left a long time ago?

Have you received intuitive hits, inner nudges, or had dreams about the situation, and ignored them?

I call it crossing my own line.

I can tell you what NOT to do.

Don’t stay when everything in you knows it’s not what you need, and not aligned with your values.

Don’t cross your own line.

That’s exactly what I did in 2015.  I stayed in a job that crossed my line in every way.  Employees talked behind people’s backs, bosses screamed at employees or other bosses, and there was no one I felt I could trust.  Yet, I stayed.  For the first time since having my daughter 8 years prior, I felt financial ease, and I liked it.

That financial ease came at a cost. In April 2015, I fell at work permanently changing my physical health.

I ignored my own voice.  I ignored those inner nudges.  I was so clouded that I didn’t even see the connection to my intuition until after the fall when I read an older journal entry.  In Feb 2015, I’d written about how I was “completely out of alignment with this job and company’s values”.  I didn’t listen.  Post fall, I was physically out of alignment with a back, knee and hip injury.

A couple shadow beliefs surfaced with this fall.  One was that, “I don’t matter”, and I really  needed to matter.  I told myself a story that if the bosses knew how badly I was hurt, they’d care; they’d make changes to insure no one else got hurt, or at the very least, they’d take precautions so that I wouldn’t get re-injured.  But the truth was, they did know and nothing changed.

Another shadow belief was, “I can’t depend on anyone else.”    I stayed out of fear. I feared I’d lose my financial freedom if I didn’t have the same income. It’s true my finances would change.  But I was living in a state of fear anyway.  Everything in my life was different.  I couldn’t do my job, yoga, exercise, climb steps, walk, sit for a period of time, or sleep without pain.  Nothing in my life was the same.  So how much freedom was I really going to lose?

Anger, righteousness and denial were all pieces of this puzzle that it took me the next two years to unravel and let go of.  If I’m being honest, I held onto these far longer than I want to admit.  Truth was, I chose to stay – even when this company showed me who they were, and I knew it was out of alignment with who I was.  I wasn’t making the changes I needed to make, so the universe stepped in to assist, taking me out at the knees.

This is what happens.  If we’re not listening, the messages get louder.  The whispers become screams.  The intuitive hits aren’t so subtle anymore.  We repeat patterns by drawing in those exact people, circumstances and situations that will have us play out the exact message we’re refusing to see.   Whether it’s a relationship, a job, a boundary issue with someone you love, (or someone you don’t), or disconnection from a partner we’re refusing to see.  Solutions come out sideways.   Often, the choices would’ve been far easier to just make the change in the first place.

Embrace the conflict.

What’s one core belief you’ve had that hasn’t served you?   I’m curious how willing you are to hold onto that belief?  Is it serving you?   Holding on can be a form of resistance, denial, or anger, or a combination of these things.  Do you know your threshold on when it’s time to leave?

Today I invite you to look at your life objectively.

Is there something you need to change?   Is there a nagging little voice inside that isn’t going away?

Sending you big love as you walk the path of alignment,

Chris

xo

P.S.  If you’d like to follow my blog and receive my newsletter on simplifying, letting go and creating more ease, you can do that here .  

By |2018-01-07T01:59:51-05:00November 26th, 2017|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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Soul Space Decluttering

Soul Space…

Spaces where you find what you want when you want it.

Where you have what you need at your fingertips.

Space to think, to be, to feel, to connect.

To feel alive, to breathe deeply, have restful sleep, connect with yourself, and those you love.

To realign with what matters most…

Three of my core values are for Order, Ease and Simplicity.

When those needs are met, I’m calm, present, connected. I’m aligned.  It’s easy to  follow through on commitments, take action toward what I want, to say yes when I mean yes, and no when I mean no when my actions are internally aligned with my values and needs.

One way for us to stay aligned is to consistently reevaluate what we keep.

So yesterday I did a challenge (Link at end) to Declutter 100 items in less than an hour.   The intent of this challenge is to set your timer for 60 minutes and go room to room gathering 10 items, 20 items etc, from each space until you have 100.   You don’t stop until the timer goes off, or until you have 100.

I didn’t do it the same way as recommended, not by design totally.  My somewhat OCD self – not really, but kinda – needed to have order amidst the self-induced clutter clearing challenge.

I started in my kitchen.   And stayed there for 60 minutes.  I cleaned, wiped, and organized as I decluttered – not part of the challenge.  When the timer went off, I wasn’t done, nor did I have 100 items.  So I set it for another 30 minutes, and this time stopped cleaning, organizing and wiping, kinda.  I really am “Monica” from Friends, so it’s my own niche to clean, sort & organize as I go.   But I did make it out of my kitchen, and into my bathroom.   This time, when the timer went off, I had 160 items total and I even managed to find two missing items that had fallen underneath a drawer and were laying at the bottom of a cabinet.   So 90 minutes, 160 items, not too bad.  Still, I’ll redo the challenge and do it as designed.

There’s two lessons here: 1) it’s so easy to throw ourselves off track, and 2) it’s just as easy to bring us back when we have focus, awareness and intention.

Ease.  Order.  Simplicity.  Life isn’t always easy, orderly, and it’s certainly not always simple.   Which is why it’s critical to create soul spaces in your home, and habits.  Self-care, yoga, working out, eating well – whatever it is that nurtures you and keeps you feeling connected and alive – that’s what needs to be in your daily rituals.

So where do you need to create more space?  Is there a certain room?  A certain spot within a room?  Maybe a specific relationship needs a clear boundary in place?  Maybe your mind wishes for quiet so you can actually hear your own thoughts and inner desires?  What’s on your wish list?  Your #50Desires?

Does this sound fun to you?   The idea is to create incentive to let go, and to have fun in the process.  Hop on over to https://bemorewithless.com/decluttering-burst/ for Courtney Carver’s Declutter 100 Items in Less than an Hour Challenge.  Let me know what happened for you.  🙂 #bemorewithless, #100DeclutterChallenge.

Enjoy the process.  Life’s too short to stress over our stuff.  Learn to let it go!

Sending love,

 

Chris

xo

By |2017-08-20T17:37:09-04:00August 20th, 2017|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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