How to Build Trust and Intimacy In Relationships – A TED Talk to Share

I heard this TED talk with Louise Evans a while back, and when it came to me a 2nd time, I had to share it with you!

This reminded me of an exercise from nonviolent communication (NVC for short), called, “The Four Ears.”

Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of NVC, says we have four options for receiving negative messages, and they are:

  1. We judge ourselves.
  2. We judge others.
  3. We empathize with ourselves.
  4. We empathize with others.

Our response largely depends on how we hear and interpret these messages.

In other words, our response will depend on what we’re making the situation mean – about ourselves, others, or the world. 

So, depending on how we interpret something, we potentially create calm or chaos.

It’s our choice.  But it’s often an unconscious one.

Louise says, “in every moment, we’re making choices about our behaviors that we’re bringing into the world.”  And, she shares a step we can take before reacting that supports us in making those choices consciously.

In this TED Talk of “The 5 Chairs”, Louise calls this step, WAIT. It’s the transition step between judgment and empathy where she invites us to ask ourselves, “What Am I Thinking?”, before we react.

How many times has something happened and we immediately go to judgment, and we react, based on our own perception of what we just heard or saw?

And, how many times is our perception off, and we jump to a conclusion that isn’t even true?

This is the power of the Pause.

I love how she reminds herself to hang on for a second, noting that she needs more data because she doesn’t have all the puzzle pieces yet. She consciously decides to check the meaning making in her head against what’s really in front of her.

When we pause here, we allow ourselves to consider, just for that brief moment, what else might be going on, besides the story we’re telling ourselves.

  • Pausing gives us space to mindfully choose our next step.
  • Pausing gives us time to carefully respond, instead of instantly react.
  • Pausing gives us clarity because we’re checking in with our own internal dialogue.

If you find that you’re reacting more than you’d like in your relationships, whether it’s at home, at work, in your family dynamics, with your partner or children, you’re not alone.

See if you can integrate WAIT before reacting.

Ask yourself what you are thinking.

Ask yourself what you’re making this situation mean, and if it’s even true.

See if you need more information before you respond.

And then, watch your relationships begin to shift.

Because they will shift!

When you Pause to ask yourself what you are thinking, what you are making this mean, and what story you’re telling yourself, you then have the opportunity to check it out with the other person to see if any of that was even true.

If you’re feeling confused and needing clarity around your best next move, here’s a few bonus questions to support you in seeing if your actions are aligned with your values:

  • What’s important here?
  • What matters most to me?
  • What do I want?
  • What do I need?

Connecting to our needs and values FIRST allows us to make conscious choices that will bring us closer to our desires.

Drop me a line. I’d love to know how this impacts you!

Wishing you love and connection,

Chris

P.S.  I also loved the cost of “being right” (8m22 into video). See if you can relate. I know I could see a previous version of myself where my detail oriented perfectionist ran the show. 😉

By |2023-02-24T23:57:09-05:00February 24th, 2023|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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Pretending, Avoidance & Addiction – 5 Questions to Navigate Change

It’s 2005.  I’m sitting in circle with 15 women and the discussion is being led my long term mentor, Cheryl Richardson, who asks the question, “What are you pretending?”  Each woman answers in turn.  When it comes to me, my answer surprises me.   I respond with, “I’m pretending that my life is OK when it isn’t.”     Thirteen years and a 12-year old daughter later, my answer is similar.  This time though, there’s a slight but significant variation with my response.  This time, I’m not hiding in my discontent.  This time I’m not hoping things around me will change.   This time, I’m changing me.

Getting Unstuck…

How many times do you stay stuck in situations you don’t love?   You tolerate them; you pray; you wish for the people or the situation to change; you hope someone will see your perspective; or you hope the other person will “step-up” to communicate with you in a way that fills your need for connection and attention.  Then, when none of this happens, you stay in the same spiral of disconnect within yourself, ruminating over details and data, living in the same circumstances, wearing a façade of acceptance.  Pretending.

When we choose to stay, in anything that’s less than what we desire or require, we must ask ourselves what we’re getting by not making the changes we know we need to make.  We must acknowledge that we’re getting something or we wouldn’t do it.  Some need is being met, some benefit is coming from our action or we wouldn’t continue with the same pattern or behavior.

So what are you getting by not changing what you know you need to change?

Do you get to avoid discomfort?  Do you avoid exposure of a truth that’s too embarrassing for you, or that you think is too upsetting for others to hear?   Or maybe you get to tell yourself, it’s for “the kids?”  Let me clue you in.  The kids know what’s going on anyway. You’re not sparing them any pain by staying in a situation you’d rather not be in.   They see the upset, the disconnection, the hugs that aren’t happening, the conversations being avoided, the looks not being exchanged.  Even if they’re little, they sense it energetically.

Perhaps you get to stay on auto-pilot.  You get to do what’s familiar. You get to stay in your routines and habits which feels safer and more secure than changing.   You get to avoid feeling pain.  You get to numb out.   You get to say you “have to” do whatever it is, and you continue to not think, not feel, not process what’s really happening around you.   Maybe you get to not have to do the work in your relationships.  Or maybe you get to hide in your addictions.

Addictions

Addictions show up in all of us, not just in those drawn to alcohol or drugs.   We are addicted to alcohol, books, clutter, computer games, drugs, education, exercise, food, learning, Netflix, people, porn, sex, shopping, strategies, work, or even the recovery process.  Our addictions allow us to numb out and avoid the pain we don’t want to feel.

The strategy is avoidance.  The payoff is we get temporary relief by avoiding the pain of change.

What’s the cost of avoiding making the changes you need to make?

Costs of our Avoidance

Maybe it’s disconnection to those you really care about, drama, emotional pain and turmoil, physical pain in your body like arthritis, auto-immune disorders, colds, migraines, cancer or any multitude of other manifestations.   Whether it’s ruminating negative thoughts that dominate your choices and behaviors, one thing is certain.   We can be sure that our bodies will detox pain however they can.  They’ll take us out when we need to reset – I’ve learned this first hand more than once.  In physical form, unprocessed pain might come out as disease.  Emotionally, unprocessed pain is likely to come out sideways through our toxic behaviors and patterns having the potential to destroy relationships.  The question becomes, what are you willing to do about it?

Pain…

Here’s the deal.   We all feel pain.  We all feel sadness and despair at some point in our lives.   No one is spared from pain or change..  Change is the one constant we can depend on.

Change can feel hard and scary and messy.

Change brings up anger, discomfort, discord, fear, resentment, and vulnerability.   Even if you like change, it’s still awkward, especially when we don’t know what’s on the other side.

While I love ritual and routine, I also love freedom and spontaneity, so at times I feel in conflict with my own needs.  In the past I’ve seen myself pass by opportunities out of fear, and I’ve jumped impulsively into a heartfelt YES without knowing where it was taking me.  I’ve experienced situations where anything was better than were I was, so I jumped into the unknown trusting I’d be held in the uncertainty.

Life can be feel hard and impossible sometimes.  These past few months, I’ve learned when I show up as vulnerable and real, unseen doors open that allow more growth and more healing.  I’m learning to trust myself and speak my truths, even if it means people might leave, or not like me, and even if my words might land in someone else in a way I didn’t intend.  How my words land isn’t my responsibility, how I deliver them is.  I can only control my presence in which I offer myself.

You might be surprised at how others show up FOR you when you show up AS YOU.

My invitation to you is this:    Stop pretending your life is ok if it isn’t.  Speak your truth.  Say what you feel.   Ask for what you need.  Take off your mask.

Action Challenge:

This week, take 5 minutes to close your eyes and ask yourself these five (5) questions.

  1. Where are you hiding?
  2. What are you pretending?
  3. What’s one change you’d like to have made 3 months from now?
  4. What’s one doable, small, achievable and realistic thing you can do this week, to take a step toward that change?
  5. Are you willing to make this commitment to yourself? If so, when?

Did you like this article and challenge?   Let me know what shifted as a result of this challenge or even just from reading this article.  I love hearing from you.  Email me here, or leave a message in the comments below.

Sending you so much love…

xo

Chris

Sharing is caring!  If you know someone who would love this article, please share it with them.  🙂

Want to stay connected?   Join my community of change makers here.

By |2018-12-15T22:55:03-05:00December 15th, 2018|Uncategorized|3 Comments
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Retrogrades, Relationships & Resetting Priorities

Are the retrogrades messing with your relationships? Do you feel like you and your partner might actually be on different planets?

Considering six, yes, SIX planets are in retrograde right now, it’s a good time to press pause on the panic button.

So what exactly is happening?

Right now, Mercury, Mars, Jupiter, Neptune, Saturn & Pluto are in retrograde.  In a retrograde, things come up for review, processing, digesting and completing.  It’s a time for tying up loose ends and details, and not necessarily a time to start a slew of new projects.   You’re invited to complete those incompletions once and for all.  When one planet is in retrograde, we can feel off, rushed, like things are more out of control than we’d like, but when six are in retrograde, it’s even more important to pause.

Even if you don’t believe in astrology, it may be hard for you to ignore some of the events that have been transpiring for the past few months. Things might feel more amped up or intensified than usual.

Personally, I’ve found it increasingly difficult to feel productive, clear, to stay on task with projects, or to have any type of communication with my partner that doesn’t end with us walking away frustrated and frazzled, and feeling unheard.

Here’s a little scoop on each of the planets and how they might be affecting you:

  • Mercury Retrograde – (6/26 to 8/19/18)  Since Mercury is the ruler of communication, it’s definitely a great time to double check details.  Have a spare key in your wallet, fill your gas tank, check your oil and fluids in your car, make sure you have a few bucks cash on you, etc.   Just the other day, I walked out of the house without my keys, left the house with $1 in my wallet, and got to a show without tickets I already purchased, and it was “cash only” at the door.  (Thankfully, I had a spare key in my wallet, and the girl at the desk knew and trusted me when I told her I purchased tickets, and she let me in.)
  • Mars Retrograde (6/26 to 8/27/18)   When Mars is direct, we typically can communicate more clearly, take direct decisive action and more fully trust ourselves.  But when in retrograde, we can doubt, not trust our instincts, and internalize emotions and events, feeling more pressure.  Be gentle with yourself if you need more rest than usual, if you need more time to think about things and process what’s happening around you.   Good self-care is critical right now.    Here’s a little more on the Mars Retrograde.
  • Jupiter Retrograde – (3/9  to 7/10/18)  Consider this to be the Yin/Yang for change.   Change can be scary, especially when we don’t see it coming, yet, change is often the very thing we need to get us to our next level.  Since everything is energy, and energy is always changing, it makes sense to surrender a bit and go with the flow.  With Jupiter in intense Scorpio, you may experience your own upleveling so just observe what’s here for you, change what you can, and let go of what you cannot.  There’s no rule that says change has to be painful.
  • Pluto Retrograde – (4/22 to 9/30/18)  Pluto is all about looking at what needs to be healed, what’s lurking beneath what’s really going on, and what needs to be transformed.   Pluto is the peeling back of our subconscious layers.   Since retrogrades are a review of the past events, when Pluto is in retrograde, we’re invited to look at all those subconscious behaviors, shadow beliefs, choices, and patterns that are calling us to change.  You may feel challenged beyond your comfort zone.  That’s ok.  It’s a time of review.  So, Review, Re-Evaluate and if needed, Re-direct your energy and focus.
  • Saturn Retrograde – (4/18  to  9/6/18) As a Cappy (Capricorn), this is my ruling planet.  Saturn is all about perseverance, tenacity and growth, and setting things right on the karmic path.  What we put out is what we get back, so this lesson is amplified during a retrograde.  We’re given the opportunity to really set things right if we’ve been off course.
  • Neptune Retrograde (6/19 to 9/26/18)  Emotions may seem to be too intense for you right now.  Neptune is one of the rulers of Pisces, a water sign that can be emotionally charged.  During a retrograde, and especially if this happens to be your ruling planet or your rising sign, you may feel a bit more pressure to dive into the uncomfortable waters of the unknown.  Trust.  Stay with it. There’s growth here.  If you feel the urge to run from this intensity, understand what’s here for you is an invitation to go a little deeper to resolve what’s been hidden.  It’s also an excellent time to call on your creativity and intuition which may feel heightened.   Trust your gut by going within and making the changes you need to make.

Action Challenge:

Two steps to prepare yourself physically and emotionally during the retrograde

  1. Take 20 minute power naps to reset yourself as you need to. I can hear you saying, “But I don’t have 20 minutes….”, so I challenge you…Instead of surfing social media for 20 minutes, or eating when you’re not hungry, or starting a “conversation” with your partner when you’re already tired or spent, excuse yourself.  Set your phone timer for 20 minutes and nap. I guarantee you’ll feel a new perspective when you re-engage.   Just notice if you start to spiral, if you’re not breathing, or if you feel particularly uneasy with the changes happening around you.  If so, nap, nap, nap.  Every day.  20 minutes.  And let me know what shifts you notice.
  2. Take Action with any or all of these. Put an extra spare key in your wallet.  Allow plenty of time for travel. Double and triple check details before clicking “send”.  Have back up directions printed before going on the road to a new destination.  Make sure you have at least $5 to $10 in your wallet of cash before leaving your house.  Charge your phone or devices before leaving the house.  Purchase a charger for your car and keep it there.    Press the mental pause button before replying to a heated conversation.  Let go of something you’ve been holding onto (a grudge, a personal belonging, an issue that’s causing you anguish, a belief that’s not serving).

Leave a comment below or email me telling me what you did, and what happened as a result.  🙂

Like this article, and want more like it?  Follow me here. 

Until next time, Press Pause on the panic button.   Breathe.  And trust.  You’re right where you need to be.

x’s and o’s

Chris

Sharing is caring!   If you know someone that would like to read this, please share it out.

Want to learn more about this particular retrograde cycle?    You can do that here and here.

By |2018-07-01T21:53:59-04:00July 1st, 2018|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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Letting Go & Holding On

Why do we hold onto things?

What is it we hope to gain?

What are we so afraid of releasing, even if it’s things we’re not using?

It’s a loaded question, and one not easily answered because it’s subjective to each of us.

It’s subjective, and it’s also universal.

We all worry about needing things after we let go.  We all can relate to feeling overwhelmed at the amount of responsibility on our plates, clutter in our homes and in our minds.

When it comes to letting go, we often resist.  We think if we hold on, we retain a sense of control, because we know what it feels like to hold on.  Letting go creates an unknown.  It’s new territory.

Letting go means change.

Change is a form of surrender.  We may not know what’s coming next.  We may not know what to do after we release something, or someone.  Where does it go?   Where will it be used the most effectively?   When can I get it there?  Where does it go before I take it there or have it picked up?  What happens after it’s gone?  What’s next, and who am I without it?

All of these questions can lead to paralysis, so we do nothing.  We hold on. We keep it “until we have more time” to figure out all the pieces before jumping in to something new.

I’ll tell you a secret.  There’s never a perfect time.   It’s like having kids.  Or leaving a toxic job.  Or starting a diet.  Or leaving/starting a relationship.  Or losing someone.  There’s no perfect time.  You can “prepare” yourself all you want, but when change comes, we still need to adjust, allow for transition.

There’s always that unknown space between when something ends and something new begins. 

So what do you need to let go of today?   Is it mind clutter that’s been overwhelming you into submission, where you just keep doing the same thing you’ve been doing and not liking the result?  Maybe it’s physical clutter, and you just clean around it, seeing the piles around you (or not) and being energetically drained each time you pass them.

Action Challenge:

If it’s clutter you need to clear, give yourself one hour of time today.  If an hour feels too long, make it 30 minutes.  Set a timer for 15 minutes and pick one spot to clear, with the intention of bringing in more of what you love, need, and desire by releasing what you don’t.   When the timer goes off, start putting things back so that when the ½ hour is up, your area is clear and you’re not left with chaos.   Bag up what you’ve removed, label it “donation”, and put it in your car to go to a donation site.   OR, put it in a bag or box, marked for the charity of your choice that you align with.  Call the charity, schedule the pick-up, and seal the bag or box.  Now you have a deadline for when it’s leaving.

If it’s not physical clutter, but an action step you need to take, allow yourself 30 minutes to research your options.  Maybe you need to find a contractor or service and need referrals.  Set your timer for 15 minutes making a list (an actual written list) listing out the criteria this contractor or service needs to provide.   Do the test of passing up good for great.   (Cheryl Richardson has a saying, “Pass up good for great.”).   Once you have your list, spend the next 15 minutes asking for referrals.  Maybe you can share a post on a Facebook Community Group asking for referrals.  Be specific.  Or text friends asking them who they’ve loved and used that moved them in the direction they wanted to go. When the timer goes off, thank yourself for taking a step toward creating space for you!

Resources to Receive Your Charitable Donations (aka Clutter):

  1. www.purpleheartpickup.org –They’ll pick up from your home
  2. https://angelsofgod.org/ – You drop off in Pitman, NJ
  3. https://www.habitat.org/ – Pickup or Drop off.  They accept larger household items.
  4. https://smartparentadvice.com/how-to-donate-stuffed-animals/  – (This is an excellent article by Parenting Experts, Ryan and Cristin Howard.  Their article offers ideas on how to donate stuffed animals, and their site is a great resource for navigating parenting as we release and let go.)

Leave a comment letting me know what worked or what didn’t.

Want to chat privately?  Message me here.

Want to receive this newsletter in your inbox with resources on letting go, decluttering, and changing your life once and for all? click here.

Sharing is Caring!  If you know someone who would benefit from reading this, please share it out!  🙂

 

By |2020-06-07T12:35:37-04:00April 29th, 2018|Uncategorized|3 Comments
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[Stop Crossing Your Own Line!] Are you staying when you need to leave?

Are you staying in a job, relationship, or situation you should’ve left a long time ago?

Have you received intuitive hits, inner nudges, or had dreams about the situation, and ignored them?

I call it crossing my own line.

I can tell you what NOT to do.

Don’t stay when everything in you knows it’s not what you need, and not aligned with your values.

Don’t cross your own line.

That’s exactly what I did in 2015.  I stayed in a job that crossed my line in every way.  Employees talked behind people’s backs, bosses screamed at employees or other bosses, and there was no one I felt I could trust.  Yet, I stayed.  For the first time since having my daughter 8 years prior, I felt financial ease, and I liked it.

That financial ease came at a cost. In April 2015, I fell at work permanently changing my physical health.

I ignored my own voice.  I ignored those inner nudges.  I was so clouded that I didn’t even see the connection to my intuition until after the fall when I read an older journal entry.  In Feb 2015, I’d written about how I was “completely out of alignment with this job and company’s values”.  I didn’t listen.  Post fall, I was physically out of alignment with a back, knee and hip injury.

A couple shadow beliefs surfaced with this fall.  One was that, “I don’t matter”, and I really  needed to matter.  I told myself a story that if the bosses knew how badly I was hurt, they’d care; they’d make changes to insure no one else got hurt, or at the very least, they’d take precautions so that I wouldn’t get re-injured.  But the truth was, they did know and nothing changed.

Another shadow belief was, “I can’t depend on anyone else.”    I stayed out of fear. I feared I’d lose my financial freedom if I didn’t have the same income. It’s true my finances would change.  But I was living in a state of fear anyway.  Everything in my life was different.  I couldn’t do my job, yoga, exercise, climb steps, walk, sit for a period of time, or sleep without pain.  Nothing in my life was the same.  So how much freedom was I really going to lose?

Anger, righteousness and denial were all pieces of this puzzle that it took me the next two years to unravel and let go of.  If I’m being honest, I held onto these far longer than I want to admit.  Truth was, I chose to stay – even when this company showed me who they were, and I knew it was out of alignment with who I was.  I wasn’t making the changes I needed to make, so the universe stepped in to assist, taking me out at the knees.

This is what happens.  If we’re not listening, the messages get louder.  The whispers become screams.  The intuitive hits aren’t so subtle anymore.  We repeat patterns by drawing in those exact people, circumstances and situations that will have us play out the exact message we’re refusing to see.   Whether it’s a relationship, a job, a boundary issue with someone you love, (or someone you don’t), or disconnection from a partner we’re refusing to see.  Solutions come out sideways.   Often, the choices would’ve been far easier to just make the change in the first place.

Embrace the conflict.

What’s one core belief you’ve had that hasn’t served you?   I’m curious how willing you are to hold onto that belief?  Is it serving you?   Holding on can be a form of resistance, denial, or anger, or a combination of these things.  Do you know your threshold on when it’s time to leave?

Today I invite you to look at your life objectively.

Is there something you need to change?   Is there a nagging little voice inside that isn’t going away?

Sending you big love as you walk the path of alignment,

Chris

xo

P.S.  If you’d like to follow my blog and receive my newsletter on simplifying, letting go and creating more ease, you can do that here .  

By |2018-01-07T01:59:51-05:00November 26th, 2017|Uncategorized|0 Comments
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