What to do when doing the *Right Thing* feels hard

First, Happy Mother’s Day!

Second, I want to share a story from yesterday when it was really challenging to do the “right” thing. And at the end I’ll share my process for making choices in the moment when I feel challenged.

I don’t like to look at things from a right/wrong perspective. Instead, I choose to see things from a lens of what is aligned with my values and what isn’t.

Yesterday, it took all of my focus to reframe a situation – as it was happening – when a driver did something that was way out of integrity with my values. In the moment, I felt like I couldn’t do anything about it.

If you prefer to listen to this story, click below. It’s in 2 parts because I didn’t figure out how to combine them – yet! 😉

​Part 1 is here – 7min listen​.

​Part 2 is here – 5 min listen​.

We were leaving the college campus after my 18 yr old’s graduation. She entered the college at 15 as a high school student (proud homeschooling mama moment).

The parking lot looked like a Taylor Swift concert. When we finally got on the main road out, this black shiny Honda with blacked out windows was trying to get in front of my husband (husband was driving).

I don’t know about you, but I drive with the unspoken car etiquette that when in traffic, we let the car in front of us in, then we go, then the car behind us lets a car in and they go, etc…

Well, after my husband lets the car in front of us in, Mr. Honda wants to move in, too. So my husband moves up a tad in the still jammed lane.

But then Mr. Honda gets close enough to the car in front of him that he taps the bumper of it. Lightly. But still makes contact.

As soon as I see that, and my husband again starts to inch forward, I’m telling him to STOP because #1) it’s clear to me this guy doesn’t give a shit if he hits our car or not, and #2) it’s not worth getting into an altercation or accident over this. 

After much persuasion (and we had time to talk because, again, the lot was like a Swiftie concert), my husband lets the car in.

Mr Honda then rolls down his blacked out windows and makes direct eye contact with both of us in his mirror. He’s smiling, laughing and gesturing with his hands as if to say, “Haha – I got you. I got what I wanted” as his rap music blared from his souped up Honda Civic. That’s the nice version. He was probably saying something totally different!

What I didn’t know until we got home was that this punk (yes, I have total judgment) had rolled down his window and made faces and hand gestures to my husband while we were in the parking lot. But I didn’t see it because I was looking at my husband and trying to convince him to let it go, and let the guy in front of us. 

My husband left that part out, in the moment. And it’s probably a good thing he did, as I may have gotten out of my car and wanted to “educate” this young punk, and this story might’ve had a different ending.

Through his own rage, my husband was just trying to “do the right thing.”

This brought up a conversation around how difficult it can feel to do the *right thing* when others are acting in ways that are so out of alignment with our values.

We want to react. We want them to see how their actions aren’t showing respect or consideration for others. And tell them how their actions are impacting us. Or we want to scream at them to “Just just do the *right* fu#%ing thing!”

We realized it can seem like we don’t have another choice in these situations, or like we have to give up our values in order to do what’s right.

However, being “right” is subjective, so we have to find *our* right. We have to know what matters to us, and what feels important. And if we want any kind of connection with others, we want to find out what matters to them as well.

Questions to ask yourself when presented with a challenge like this:

  1. How would your 2-hours-later-version-of-you handle this?
  2. What matters most to you in this moment?

If something like this happens to you, I suggest you tune in to what matters to you in that moment. What would the 2-hours-later-version-of-you wish you’d done or said?

For me, I was concerned for our safety. I hadn’t seen the driver, so I didn’t know who was behind the wheel. Though, I’ll be honest, I expected it to be some young punk like it was (total judgment). But I was also thinking I don’t want the hassle of dealing with an “accident” if this turns into an altercation.

We’d just gotten our new car after replacing it with a previous new car that was totaled 6 days after we got it when a guy ran an intersection. I’m still dealing with the details of that.

So, I also valued my time and didn’t want to waste any more energy resulting from some kid that had zero respect for others.

My husband also wanted respect, and was feeling furious that he was having to step down and stay quiet because speaking up could cause a major issue. And I get it. He wanted to express his rage. So, on the way home I invited him to let the jackals run (In nonviolent communication we refer to our judgments as jackals since they’re judgy, critical and condemning).

My daughter, now frustrated with both of us for continuing our jackal show said, “Omg are you done yet?!”

But no, we weren’t. We were still processing and expressing.

I’ll end this by asking a question and offer a suggestion. Can you relate to this? 

What have you done in this kind of situation, and what do you wish you would have done? And what would the 2-hours-later-version-of-you have done if they would’ve connected to what was most important to them in that moment?

THAT’s the place I want to respond from. The place where I’m connecting to what matters most to me, so I know I’m in integrity with my values, with each choice I make.

Hope this helps you tune into what’s in alignment with you. It reminded me how I want to show up in the world. And it’s not like that little punk! Yes, I’m still in judgment. 😉

Would love to hear what comes up for you in reading or listening to this. Simply click reply and let me know!

PS- Photo credit is from johnhain.com

By |2024-05-12T16:35:39-04:00May 12th, 2024|Uncategorized|0 Comments

Joyous Outrage – Embracing Peaceful Intolerance

Joyous Outrage – not words that seem to go together, right?   Stay with me…

Last night I pulled an oracle card, and my card was, “Power of Joy. ”  The card invited me to consider that when we come from a place of joy, we connect to our purpose. Even though I believe this, I found myself questioning if embracing joy was the wisest choice when we’re living with so much injustice and fear in our world right now.

In the wake of covid19, George Floyd’s murder, and a multitude of other events, I was feeling challenged to embrace joy in the face of horrific injustices. Then I realized choosing joy is the wisest choice.   The events of our world are exactly why we need to stay connected to what brings us joy.

In the saying, “time flies when you’re having fun”, we’re reminded how we wish we could stop the clock, press pause, and savor the moment, right?  Here’s a few of my moments of joy…

  1. …when I held my sleeping infant daughter in my arms and digitally recorded her tiny sounds as she breathed.
  2. …the night I pulled my wet 3-yr old out of the tub and dressed her faster than a Ninja because Santa was coming on the fire truck outside.  Her high pitched squeals of excitement literally made me cry.
  3. …and then the simple beauty of seeing flowers in a vase I love, hearing the birds chirp, witnessing children play.

Just for a moment here, close your eyes and think about what brings you true joy.  Ok, got it?  Now, hold onto that for a minute.

George Floyd’s death has both, brought our nation together, and illuminated where we’re still grossly divided.  With our peaceful protestors there are also opportunistic looters. One blurs into the other as our nation splits into what’s right, what’s wrong, as we forget the entire point of the peaceful protestors.   I stand with the protestors.  I stand up for Peaceful Intolerance.   I stand for claiming justice and joy for ALL humans.

Have the hard conversations.  Act on the social injustices you witness.  As history continues to repeat itself, I’ve felt ashamed to be a white woman when I see the inequities around me.  George Floyd death is not an isolated incident; it’s a systemic reminder of what needs to change.   Our enraged country, and our world is screaming, “Enough!”

ENOUGH!  Enough to the injustice.  Enough to the divide.   Enough to rights for some, and not for others.

What can we do if we’re not able to physically protest?   How can we bring the change we want to see? That’s what I’ve been sitting with.  What can I actually do?

As trite as it sounds, I can embrace joy.  Even in my outrage.  I can be joyously outraged as I’m reminded all lives matter.  Black lives matter.  Trans lives matter.   Children’s voices matter. Elderly voices matter.  And right now more than ever, we need to stand in solidarity that #Black Lives Matter.

Hitler divided us. Hitler decided who was worthy to live based on the color of their skin, the size or shape of their head, or the name someone had.  And now our leader is dividing us with those same criteria. I don’t know what kind of pain our president is in, but I do know we cannot afford to let his wounds lead this country anymore.

We need empathy, not tweets. 

Action Challenge:

Here’s some steps I’m taking as I’m not able to physically protest right now.  Maybe this will spark some ideas for you, too.

  1. Create a Sign to display in your window or on your lawn that promotes Peace, Social Justice, that supports equality for all lives, particularly those whose lives are marginalized in our society.
  2. Join (or create) a group to embrace and embody Anti-Racism and Social Justice as you move into activism around how to end the divide.
  3. Join the Peaceful Protestors and be Peacefully Intolerant
  4. Read books to educate yourself on racism, especially if you’re white.   Ibram X. Kendi, How to be an Anti-Racist, is a great place to start, as well as Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg.
  5. Write to your state’s leaders, your governors, your congressman, or even to The White House.
  6. Sign a variety of petitions honoring the #BlackLivesMatter movement.
  7. Watch the film Just Mercy.
  8. Support Owners of Black Owned Bookstores.

Back to joy.   If it’s true that our joy leads to our purpose, then I want to focus on what brings me joy.   Beauty.  Nature.  Space.  Writing.  My daughter.  Yoga.  Practicing compassion. Empathy. Deep Listening. Connection. Health.   As I type this, here’s my view, and it brings me joy.

What brings you joy?  What connects you to you?    When I invited you to close your eyes earlier, what joyful memories sparked in you?  Do more of that!  I hope you’ll join me in using *YOUR* voice, to step into what matters most to you.

I hope you’ll be Joyously Outraged and Peacefully Intolerant of what you’ll no longer accept when you see injustices. Here’s a quote that reminds us that an injustice anywhere is injustice everywhere.

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” Martin Luther King, Jr.

I’ll be launching an online series on Compassion, Listening and Empathy, a way to Connect You to You.  If you’re not already in my community and want to be notified of upcoming workshops, talks or events, join my community here.

I’m grateful to have you as part of my tribe.  Until we meet again…

~Chris

 

By |2020-06-07T16:43:00-04:00June 7th, 2020|Uncategorized|0 Comments
Go to Top