Pretending, Avoidance & Addiction – 5 Questions to Navigate Change

It’s 2005.  I’m sitting in circle with 15 women and the discussion is being led my long term mentor, Cheryl Richardson, who asks the question, “What are you pretending?”  Each woman answers in turn.  When it comes to me, my answer surprises me.   I respond with, “I’m pretending that my life is OK when it isn’t.”     Thirteen years and a 12-year old daughter later, my answer is similar.  This time though, there’s a slight but significant variation with my response.  This time, I’m not hiding in my discontent.  This time I’m not hoping things around me will change.   This time, I’m changing me.

Getting Unstuck…

How many times do you stay stuck in situations you don’t love?   You tolerate them; you pray; you wish for the people or the situation to change; you hope someone will see your perspective; or you hope the other person will “step-up” to communicate with you in a way that fills your need for connection and attention.  Then, when none of this happens, you stay in the same spiral of disconnect within yourself, ruminating over details and data, living in the same circumstances, wearing a façade of acceptance.  Pretending.

When we choose to stay, in anything that’s less than what we desire or require, we must ask ourselves what we’re getting by not making the changes we know we need to make.  We must acknowledge that we’re getting something or we wouldn’t do it.  Some need is being met, some benefit is coming from our action or we wouldn’t continue with the same pattern or behavior.

So what are you getting by not changing what you know you need to change?

Do you get to avoid discomfort?  Do you avoid exposure of a truth that’s too embarrassing for you, or that you think is too upsetting for others to hear?   Or maybe you get to tell yourself, it’s for “the kids?”  Let me clue you in.  The kids know what’s going on anyway. You’re not sparing them any pain by staying in a situation you’d rather not be in.   They see the upset, the disconnection, the hugs that aren’t happening, the conversations being avoided, the looks not being exchanged.  Even if they’re little, they sense it energetically.

Perhaps you get to stay on auto-pilot.  You get to do what’s familiar. You get to stay in your routines and habits which feels safer and more secure than changing.   You get to avoid feeling pain.  You get to numb out.   You get to say you “have to” do whatever it is, and you continue to not think, not feel, not process what’s really happening around you.   Maybe you get to not have to do the work in your relationships.  Or maybe you get to hide in your addictions.

Addictions

Addictions show up in all of us, not just in those drawn to alcohol or drugs.   We are addicted to alcohol, books, clutter, computer games, drugs, education, exercise, food, learning, Netflix, people, porn, sex, shopping, strategies, work, or even the recovery process.  Our addictions allow us to numb out and avoid the pain we don’t want to feel.

The strategy is avoidance.  The payoff is we get temporary relief by avoiding the pain of change.

What’s the cost of avoiding making the changes you need to make?

Costs of our Avoidance

Maybe it’s disconnection to those you really care about, drama, emotional pain and turmoil, physical pain in your body like arthritis, auto-immune disorders, colds, migraines, cancer or any multitude of other manifestations.   Whether it’s ruminating negative thoughts that dominate your choices and behaviors, one thing is certain.   We can be sure that our bodies will detox pain however they can.  They’ll take us out when we need to reset – I’ve learned this first hand more than once.  In physical form, unprocessed pain might come out as disease.  Emotionally, unprocessed pain is likely to come out sideways through our toxic behaviors and patterns having the potential to destroy relationships.  The question becomes, what are you willing to do about it?

Pain…

Here’s the deal.   We all feel pain.  We all feel sadness and despair at some point in our lives.   No one is spared from pain or change..  Change is the one constant we can depend on.

Change can feel hard and scary and messy.

Change brings up anger, discomfort, discord, fear, resentment, and vulnerability.   Even if you like change, it’s still awkward, especially when we don’t know what’s on the other side.

While I love ritual and routine, I also love freedom and spontaneity, so at times I feel in conflict with my own needs.  In the past I’ve seen myself pass by opportunities out of fear, and I’ve jumped impulsively into a heartfelt YES without knowing where it was taking me.  I’ve experienced situations where anything was better than were I was, so I jumped into the unknown trusting I’d be held in the uncertainty.

Life can be feel hard and impossible sometimes.  These past few months, I’ve learned when I show up as vulnerable and real, unseen doors open that allow more growth and more healing.  I’m learning to trust myself and speak my truths, even if it means people might leave, or not like me, and even if my words might land in someone else in a way I didn’t intend.  How my words land isn’t my responsibility, how I deliver them is.  I can only control my presence in which I offer myself.

You might be surprised at how others show up FOR you when you show up AS YOU.

My invitation to you is this:    Stop pretending your life is ok if it isn’t.  Speak your truth.  Say what you feel.   Ask for what you need.  Take off your mask.

Action Challenge:

This week, take 5 minutes to close your eyes and ask yourself these five (5) questions.

  1. Where are you hiding?
  2. What are you pretending?
  3. What’s one change you’d like to have made 3 months from now?
  4. What’s one doable, small, achievable and realistic thing you can do this week, to take a step toward that change?
  5. Are you willing to make this commitment to yourself? If so, when?

Did you like this article and challenge?   Let me know what shifted as a result of this challenge or even just from reading this article.  I love hearing from you.  Email me here, or leave a message in the comments below.

Sending you so much love…

xo

Chris

Sharing is caring!  If you know someone who would love this article, please share it with them.  🙂

Want to stay connected?   Join my community of change makers here.

By |2018-12-15T22:55:03-05:00December 15th, 2018|Uncategorized|3 Comments
Read More

Retrogrades, Relationships & Resetting Priorities

Are the retrogrades messing with your relationships? Do you feel like you and your partner might actually be on different planets?

Considering six, yes, SIX planets are in retrograde right now, it’s a good time to press pause on the panic button.

So what exactly is happening?

Right now, Mercury, Mars, Jupiter, Neptune, Saturn & Pluto are in retrograde.  In a retrograde, things come up for review, processing, digesting and completing.  It’s a time for tying up loose ends and details, and not necessarily a time to start a slew of new projects.   You’re invited to complete those incompletions once and for all.  When one planet is in retrograde, we can feel off, rushed, like things are more out of control than we’d like, but when six are in retrograde, it’s even more important to pause.

Even if you don’t believe in astrology, it may be hard for you to ignore some of the events that have been transpiring for the past few months. Things might feel more amped up or intensified than usual.

Personally, I’ve found it increasingly difficult to feel productive, clear, to stay on task with projects, or to have any type of communication with my partner that doesn’t end with us walking away frustrated and frazzled, and feeling unheard.

Here’s a little scoop on each of the planets and how they might be affecting you:

  • Mercury Retrograde – (6/26 to 8/19/18)  Since Mercury is the ruler of communication, it’s definitely a great time to double check details.  Have a spare key in your wallet, fill your gas tank, check your oil and fluids in your car, make sure you have a few bucks cash on you, etc.   Just the other day, I walked out of the house without my keys, left the house with $1 in my wallet, and got to a show without tickets I already purchased, and it was “cash only” at the door.  (Thankfully, I had a spare key in my wallet, and the girl at the desk knew and trusted me when I told her I purchased tickets, and she let me in.)
  • Mars Retrograde (6/26 to 8/27/18)   When Mars is direct, we typically can communicate more clearly, take direct decisive action and more fully trust ourselves.  But when in retrograde, we can doubt, not trust our instincts, and internalize emotions and events, feeling more pressure.  Be gentle with yourself if you need more rest than usual, if you need more time to think about things and process what’s happening around you.   Good self-care is critical right now.    Here’s a little more on the Mars Retrograde.
  • Jupiter Retrograde – (3/9  to 7/10/18)  Consider this to be the Yin/Yang for change.   Change can be scary, especially when we don’t see it coming, yet, change is often the very thing we need to get us to our next level.  Since everything is energy, and energy is always changing, it makes sense to surrender a bit and go with the flow.  With Jupiter in intense Scorpio, you may experience your own upleveling so just observe what’s here for you, change what you can, and let go of what you cannot.  There’s no rule that says change has to be painful.
  • Pluto Retrograde – (4/22 to 9/30/18)  Pluto is all about looking at what needs to be healed, what’s lurking beneath what’s really going on, and what needs to be transformed.   Pluto is the peeling back of our subconscious layers.   Since retrogrades are a review of the past events, when Pluto is in retrograde, we’re invited to look at all those subconscious behaviors, shadow beliefs, choices, and patterns that are calling us to change.  You may feel challenged beyond your comfort zone.  That’s ok.  It’s a time of review.  So, Review, Re-Evaluate and if needed, Re-direct your energy and focus.
  • Saturn Retrograde – (4/18  to  9/6/18) As a Cappy (Capricorn), this is my ruling planet.  Saturn is all about perseverance, tenacity and growth, and setting things right on the karmic path.  What we put out is what we get back, so this lesson is amplified during a retrograde.  We’re given the opportunity to really set things right if we’ve been off course.
  • Neptune Retrograde (6/19 to 9/26/18)  Emotions may seem to be too intense for you right now.  Neptune is one of the rulers of Pisces, a water sign that can be emotionally charged.  During a retrograde, and especially if this happens to be your ruling planet or your rising sign, you may feel a bit more pressure to dive into the uncomfortable waters of the unknown.  Trust.  Stay with it. There’s growth here.  If you feel the urge to run from this intensity, understand what’s here for you is an invitation to go a little deeper to resolve what’s been hidden.  It’s also an excellent time to call on your creativity and intuition which may feel heightened.   Trust your gut by going within and making the changes you need to make.

Action Challenge:

Two steps to prepare yourself physically and emotionally during the retrograde

  1. Take 20 minute power naps to reset yourself as you need to. I can hear you saying, “But I don’t have 20 minutes….”, so I challenge you…Instead of surfing social media for 20 minutes, or eating when you’re not hungry, or starting a “conversation” with your partner when you’re already tired or spent, excuse yourself.  Set your phone timer for 20 minutes and nap. I guarantee you’ll feel a new perspective when you re-engage.   Just notice if you start to spiral, if you’re not breathing, or if you feel particularly uneasy with the changes happening around you.  If so, nap, nap, nap.  Every day.  20 minutes.  And let me know what shifts you notice.
  2. Take Action with any or all of these. Put an extra spare key in your wallet.  Allow plenty of time for travel. Double and triple check details before clicking “send”.  Have back up directions printed before going on the road to a new destination.  Make sure you have at least $5 to $10 in your wallet of cash before leaving your house.  Charge your phone or devices before leaving the house.  Purchase a charger for your car and keep it there.    Press the mental pause button before replying to a heated conversation.  Let go of something you’ve been holding onto (a grudge, a personal belonging, an issue that’s causing you anguish, a belief that’s not serving).

Leave a comment below or email me telling me what you did, and what happened as a result.  🙂

Like this article, and want more like it?  Follow me here. 

Until next time, Press Pause on the panic button.   Breathe.  And trust.  You’re right where you need to be.

x’s and o’s

Chris

Sharing is caring!   If you know someone that would like to read this, please share it out.

Want to learn more about this particular retrograde cycle?    You can do that here and here.

By |2018-07-01T21:53:59-04:00July 1st, 2018|Uncategorized|0 Comments
Read More

What’s your New Year’s Eve Ritual? Instead of [Resolutions], try this!

The past few days, I’ve been thinking about how we can enhance our family’s “reflection rituals” for New Year’s Eve.  In the past, we’ve done vision boards at our dining room table, each equipped with magazines, poster board, scissors and glue. We play music we love, we chat, and we enjoy the creation process.  Additions for this year are:  reading through all the messages of thanks from 2017 from our gratitude jar (shown below), and answering a new series of questions I created as we exit 2017 and welcome in 2018’s peaceful energy.

If you’re tired of making resolutions and not following through, join me in reflective ritual by asking yourself the questions below. (If you need to pull your 2017 calendar off your wall, or look in your phone’s calendar to recall how you spent your time, by all means, do it!)  Pour a cup of tea, light some candles, put on some quiet music and enter 2018 with awareness around our choices.  (Here’s just one of my favorite CD’s for reflection):  The Essential Snatam Kaur: Sacred Chants.

Grab a journal, or some paper and answer these reflective questions:

  1. What worked in 2017? What didn’t?  Make a list.
  2. What do you want more of in 2018? What do you want less of?  Make a list.
  3. What activities did you do, what actions did you take, or what choices did you make that drained you, leaving you feeling depleted?   Write them down.
  4. Which activities or actions lit you up, excited you, leaving you feeling inspired, motivated and unstoppable?
  5. Looking at your list for what excited you, what’s the common theme or feeling that’s present?  Next to each activity, just make a note of the feeling that was present from doing that activity.  Was it happiness? Confidence? Freedom?  Look for the most common theme for 2017.  Choose the feeling that’s the strongest from your list. This is what you want to create more of in 2018.
  6. Knowing that in order to feel those feelings, there’s likely an action you’ll need to take or a structure you’ll need in place in order to feel inspired and create change.  What’s one thing you could do this week, and potentially continue, so you could feel those feelings now, instead of in the future?
  7. Lastly, what kind of support do you need in place to accomplish this? Is there something you need to let go of?  Something you need to add?  Someone you need to help hold you accountable?

My hope is these questions bring you closer to your dreams for 2018!   If you’d like a list of feelings to help you tap into your desires, you can find that here.  If you liked this exercise and would like some deeper introspection, I’ve included a PDF of Debbie Ford’s, “A New Year’s Ritual here.

Like this post and want to see more like it?    You can follow my blog and receive my newsletter by clicking here.

I’d love to hear if this helped you.  What did you love?  What did you resist?  What are you creating more of (or taking away) as a result of doing this exercise?

Sending you wishes for a powerful and healthy 2018!

Chris

xo

By |2018-01-07T01:46:11-05:00December 31st, 2017|Uncategorized|0 Comments
Read More
Go to Top